12 Commandments for Promising Athletes

Jeff Passan at Yahoo Sports wrote a funny, and truthful, article about things for athletes to avoid. It's a fun read.

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Strasburg’s commandments: the dirty dozen

The Syracuse Chiefs’ schedule includes only one off day the rest of the month, so if Stephen Strasburg(notes) wants to take the sojourn to the place where many expect him to end up five years after he retires, he’ll have to do it May 26.

The National Baseball Hall of Fame isn’t too busy on Wednesdays. Strasburg can enjoy the leisurely 100-minute drive to Cooperstown, N.Y., without worrying about lines or gawkers. He’ll be just another guy, anonymous for about a week more, until he gets his expected call-up to the Washington Nationals in early June.

For now, the 21-year-old bides his time in Syracuse, his first start with the Triple-A Chiefs on Friday. Those averse to snow have called the burg a purgatory, and it’s exactly that for Strasburg, whose triple-digit fastball comes with hoopla unseen in baseball for nearly two decades. Even Jason Heyward(notes) can’t compete with him.

And so with the anointing underway and the arrival a month away, it is time to warn Strasburg of the minefield into which he soon will wander. Being a professional athlete is a privilege, one abused by far too many. Athletes are stupid and they are inconsiderate and they flout not just common sense but decency. Some of the best – the highest draft picks and highest paid, like Strasburg, who went first overall and signed for $15.1 million – come into their sports with unnecessary senses of entitlement

Since nobody (except perhaps National League batters) wants to see Strasburg fail, we put together a list of rules every professional athlete ought follow. They are more like commandments, actually, a dirty dozen’s worth that represent the greatest failures of athletes everywhere. Each commandment comes with an athlete who broke it and suffered accordingly.

The road to Cooperstown is pocked with potholes. Here’s a TripTik to avoid them.

Commandment No. 1: Thou shalt not act like a loutish ass
Culprit: Ben Roethlisberger (1st round, 11th pick)

This is something of a catch-all rule, as Roethlisberger, the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, allegedly let the Big Ben persona rule his existence. Between his treatment of women, strangers, teammates and others, he is the new standard bearer for bad guy.

Commandment No. 2: Thou shalt guard thy pants like Fort Knox
Culprit: Tiger Woods

And remember, Tiger is the rule, not the exception. Athletes make a living out of behaving like idiots with women. Roethlisberger and two sexual assault allegations. Rick Pitino and an alleged abortion cover-up. Travis Henry with 11 kids by 10 women. Franck Ribery, the French soccer player, sleeping with a 17-year-old prostitute. England’s soccer captain, John Terry, shagging a teammate’s girlfriend. Steve McNair’s death. Do what they didn’t: Think with your brain.

Commandment No. 3: Thou shalt not blow thy fortune, especially gambling
Culprit: Antoine Walker (1st round, 6th pick)

During his career, the former Boston Celtics forward was paid about $110 million, according to the Boston Globe. By last year, he owed a casino $1 million for bad checks written to cover markers and had unpaid debts of $4 million. Part of it was excess; Walker enjoyed luxury everything. He was overly generous, too; five people were authorized to use his credit card. Mostly, though, Walker was abjectly stupid with his money, and as he attempts an NBA comeback, people shake their heads, fully aware that it’s not for love of the game. The guy is just broke.

Commandment No. 4: Thou shalt not trifle with firearms
Culprit: Plaxico Burress (1st round, 8th pick)

Just don’t shoot yourself in the leg and end up in jail.

Commandment No. 5: Thou shalt not get fat
Culprit: Bartolo Colon(notes) (Signed as free agent out of the Dominican Republic)

When he arrived in Cleveland, Colon was listed at 6-foot, 185 pounds. He was also said to have a 1975 birthday, when, in reality, he was born in 1973, and so the fudging of Colon’s personal details is indeed well-hewn. By the time he last pitched, Colon weighed at least 300 pounds. He made CC Sabathia(notes) look waif, David Wells(notes) lithe, Jumbo Brown look unjumbo.

(This is the commandment Strasburg is perhaps likeliest to break. At San Diego State, coaches nicknamed him Slothburg as a freshman for the paunch he carried. He shaved himself down to 6-foot-4, 220 pounds. Still, at his first stop this year, Double-A Altoona, a kid asked Strasburg about his favorite burrito. His reply: carne asada – with french fries stuffed inside the tortilla as well. He was serious. Note to the Nationals: Go to Dinosaur BBQ, hand the staff a picture of Strasburg and bribe them so they don’t serve him.)

Commandment No. 6: Thou shalt listen to the lessons taught in D.A.R.E.
Culprit: Dwight Gooden (1st round, 5th pick)

Only a handful of pitchers can claim to have generated Strasburgian hype, and Doc is one of them. His 1985 season remains the standard by which not only all young pitchers are measured but among the greatest, period. And so it’s sad to just wait for another headline detailing the latest misdeed. In March, he was arrested for DUI and leaving the scene of an accident. A child was in the car. Drug addiction is crippling. Don’t fall prey to even the first temptation.

Commandment No. 7: Thou shalt not use anything thou can’t spell
Culprit: Barry Bonds(notes) (1st round, 6th pick)

This goes without saying. Steroids ruined Bonds and Mark McGwire. They sullied the reputations of Roger Clemens(notes), Alex Rodriguez(notes), Manny Ramirez(notes), Rafael Palmeiro and David Ortiz(notes). For someone of Strasburg’s extreme talent, it’s totally, unequivocally not worth it.

Commandment No. 8: Thou shalt not place too much pressure on thyself
Culprit: Ben McDonald (1st round, 1st pick)

The Baltimore Orioles chose McDonald with the first pick in the 1989 draft, signed him to a record bonus, rushed him to the major leagues and watched as veterans such as Mickey Tettleton razzed him as the “$900,000 pitcher.” Then the Orioles’ manager, Frank Robinson, said he hoped McDonald could win 20 games – in his second full season. “Potential and expectations can eat you alive being the No. 1 pick,” McDonald told USA Today. “And I’m sure Strasburg is going to go through the same thing.” McDonald threw his last major league pitch as a 29-year-old.

Commandment No. 9: Thou shalt check thyself before thou wrecks thyself
Culprit: Ryan Leaf (1st round, 2nd pick)

This is a companion to the Roethlisberger commandment. It has more to do with maturity than anything, and Strasburg seems to have that in spades. Still, it’s worth noting the importance of being a good teammate – of being respectful, listening to coaches, realizing you always have something to learn, whether you’re Tim Lincecum(notes) or Peyton Manning or LeBron James. Leaf never learned that, never treated his teammates and coaches with anything but derision, and until the release Thursday of JaMarcus Russell – breaker of Commandment Nos. 1, 5, 8 and 9 – he was the biggest NFL draft bust of all time.

Commandment No. 10: Thou shalt not put thyself in a position to be disliked
Culprit: Alex Rodriguez (1st round, 1st pick)

In other words, do not pose for a photo shoot kissing yourself, sissy-slap the ball out of a first baseman’s glove, yell to distract an infielder on a pop-up, sleep with Madonna (Commandment No. 2!), run across the mound when Dallas Braden(notes) is pitching, take steroids or, as an adult, lament your lack of sleepovers with Derek Jeter(notes).

Commandment No. 11: Thou shalt stand up for thyself – and thy arm
Culprit: Mark Prior(notes) (1st round, 2nd pick)

If Gooden is a reasonable facsimile of Strasburg, Prior is a color copy. They are both right-handed. Same size. Each from San Diego. Dominant in college. Smart. Well-spoken. Big fastball. Nasty breaking ball. Excellent command. High strikeout total. Can’t miss, can’t miss, can’t miss. Prior didn’t … until September 2003, his second season, in which his pitch counts were: 131, 129, 109, 124, 131, 133. Dusty Baker, his manager – a term used loosely – then threw Prior for 133, 116 and 119 in the postseason. The next year, he missed 13 starts, and the year after seven. Prior last threw a pitch in 2006. He was 25.

Commandment No. 12: Thou shalt not allow politics to eat thyself alive
Culprit: Bill Clinton (Avoided)

Perhaps this doesn’t apply to athletes outside of the Beltway, but Washington is a nasty place, capable of ensnaring even the president. It may not have the gossip pages of New York, or the wild fans of Boston or the depravity of Philadelphia. It does, however, have people who habitually break the majority of the commandments. Enough that Roethlisberger, according to Sports Illustrated, said he wanted “Clinton sex” the night of his accused sexual assault in Georgia. Washington, D.C.: Not only the nation’s capital, but a place where a president gets a sex act named after him like any other celebrity does a dish at a local diner.

It’s a brutal city. It’s a brutal business. So follow these commandments. Perhaps the next trip to Cooperstown won’t be as a visitor.

Fun read!