Laughed my ass off at this assessment. Some of it because it's true, some of it because it's authored by a Viking fan. Still, interesting to see things from his view.
Also, hilarious comments in the "Hear it from Packers Fans" section. So many comments so true LOL.
http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...ers-1627477893
Some people are fans of the Green Bay Packers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Green Bay Packers. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: Green Bay Packers
Your 2013 record: 8-7-1. For some reason I thought they had a better record than that, even with Aaron Rodgers hurt, but nope. That was their weird record. They were the only division champ last year with a negative point differential.
Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Green Bay Packers
Your coach: Mike "The Beav" McCarthy, still reeling from those bad reviews he got for his lead role in Tammy. Anyway, the Beav's main job is to stand there while Aaron Rodgers does everything, and to let Dom Capers call 500 ill-advised blitzes per game. Dom Capers is the guy who thinks it's a brilliant idea to run the PUNT BLOCK as a defense in Madden.
What's new that sucks: Say hello to the aging Julius Peppers, forced to play out of position in a 3-4 defense because Dom Capers isn't the sort of fellow who enjoys tailoring a scheme to talent. Why have Peppers rush the passer when you can surprise the offense by having him cover Megatron while sending the towel boy to rush the passer? NOW THAT'S ONE EXOTIC BLITZ. Also, the Packers just lost BJ Raji for the entire season thanks to a torn bicep (Note to self: tear Aaron Rodgers' bicep). Clay Matthews says tearing your guns is the greatest tragedy of all.
What has always sucked: Kuhn. Fucking Kuhn. He's still there! What, did they give him a lifetime contract or something? Can't he die? At least Wes Welker is a productive whiteboy favorite. But the fucking Kuhn lumbers for a two-yard gain the stadium erupts as if locals have just been told that one Latino family has decided to move out of town. Meanwhile, Eddie Lacy is right there! Chant EDDIE, man.
God, these fans. These fat, slovenly rubes with their goddamn cheeseheads. Look at those things.
You should be embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for you. That's the sort of thing you wear because you lost a bet. There's no PRIDE in rocking an ugly piece of headgear that screams I'M FAT BECAUSE I EAT TOO MANY DAIRY PRODUCTS. In addition to hoping Aaron Rodgers gets hurt, I hope a race of giant alien mice descend upon Wisconsin. And then, I hope those alien mice overlords see your cheeseheads and go the fuck to town on you. That's what you suckers deserve.
The stockholders own 4,750,937 shares outstanding, but dividends are not paid and the stock can never appreciate in value. The shareholders don't even get tickets for games at Lambeau Field. The only benefits shareholders actually receive are a vote for the seven-member board of directors election and a stock certificate. Packers spokesman Aaron Popkey equates share ownership to making charitable contributions to the team. According to Popkey, instead of a financial return on investment, the appeal of owning shares is validated through emotional support of the franchise.
What might not suck: If Rodgers stays healthy, the Packers are again a mortal lock for the division title and a loss at home to San Francisco in the playoffs.
Hear it from Packers fans!
Nathan:
Mike McCarthy sucks and we all hate him. I'm not even going to get into the fact that he hasn't put Dom Capers out of his misery; that's low-hanging fruit. I would rather trust "Ask the Coach" on Madden to be more contextually aware when it comes to play-calling than McCarthy.
Pete:
The sheer isolation of the Green Bay Area from other metropolitan areas has made an invincible echo chamber of stupid. I could go into endless examples of this, but probably the best ones would be people who still either A) think Favre was pushed out of town by Ted Thompson or B) plan to boo Favre when he comes back to retire his number.
R:
Smug fatties.
Chris:
The fans are incredibly entitled and prone to overreaction. Brett Favre was the franchise for sixteen years, played his last game almost four years ago, and there is still debate whether or not he will get booed at his number retirement ceremony, all because a bunch of adults had their feelings hurt that he wanted to continue playing after the organization moved on. Packers fans don't have the slightest idea how good they've had it for the last twenty plus years.
The Lambeau Field sound crew have never left 1994. If you go to a game you will hear "Crazy Train" at least 4 times alongside multiple Van Halen songs and all the "Jock Jam" favorites. This is probably so as not to offend the sensibilities of the fan base.
I once was tailgating in Green Bay before a game. I had a buddy in college who knew a girl that lived in GB; she and I got connected prior to my trip to see the Packers-Saints in 2011. She was interested in me and interested in meeting up for a beer or two before the Packers beat up on the Saints. Keep in mind, this was an opening night game on a Thursday. Upon meeting her in the parking lot, completely shit-faced (with spittle from an earlier vomit on her shirt), this girl was standing up and incoherently blabbering about needing to really go pee. Well, she did. She pissed herself right down her legs and out from under her skirt. Soon after she finished, she looked at me said with a wink: "My house is around the corner. I need to change my gameday panties, want to help me take them off?" This happened at noon; 7 hours before the game was to begin.
BJ:
I get caught every year in the same trap when talking football with other Wisconsin residents. I always forget that I have at best a 1 in 10 chance of not talking to a complete moron, because no matter how stacked the team has been since Ted Thompson took over, the majority of Packer fans out in the wild will find whatever weakness they can and point to it as the reason to fire everybody.
Shaun:
I was in a bar a few months after the Packers 15-1 season and there was a man in his late 30's bitching about how Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy needed to shake things up. He stated that "Thompson hasn't drafted anybody good". I casually mentioned he drafted Aaron Rodgers and Clay Matthews. He was unimpressed with those 2 draft picks.
Give us like three bad seasons with no QB play, and 90% of this fanbase is GONE.
Thad:
On a team full of elite, fantastic black athletes you see . . . AJ Hawk jerseys.
All of those shots of completely empty streets and malls during a broadcast of a Packers game? It's because it's fucking Green Bay, Wisconsin. 355 days per year there's absolutely nothing to do, but ten days per year (including preseason) the Packers are on so, yeah, OF COURSE people are watching the game. There are no shots of a deserted Brooklyn during Giants games because there's other stuff that's interesting.
Mark:
Fans drink from 8am gameday, through the game, back to parking lot after game for another few and then drive home and brag how they were almost blackout drunk driving home on the highway.
My son is tall for his age. He turned 6 and was at a birthday party for a classmate at a friend's home. Another father asked if my son liked football, as he was a coach of a Pop Warner team. I said he likes the Steelers. This caused him to recoil in horror. I then told him he doesn't want to play, since his friend who plays Pop Warner now gets bad migraines from a concussion he got in football.
The coach said, after sipping a beer (7yr old's birthday party mind you) "Oh, so you are raising a queer." I was shocked. He said that PCS is a myth and my son's friend was probably going to be gay as well.
Ryan:
There are two types of Packers fans . . .
1) Those who think Brett Favre is a traitor who should be tried for war crimes, and . . .
2) Those who own Vikings jerseys with #4 on the back and want Ted Thompson burned at the stake . . .
Both are assholes.
Alec:
Lambeau Field is one of the worst venues in sports for a single reason: bleacher seating. Bleacher seating is fine in most venues: college football, baseball, etc. But this is the fattest fan base in pro sports. In northern Wisconsin, your average fan is simply too obese for bench seating. When combined with a native population that consumes (almost exclusively) cheese curds and encased meats, bleacher seating is like watching football in the NFL's version of cattle car. Boundaries between individual seats are merely theoretical. Fat overflows at Lambeau.
Every winter game at Lambeau will feature at least 15 cutaway shots of a group of idiots with their shirts off. This will lead the announcers to comment on how people from Wisconsin are more accustomed to the cold. When you are carrying 300 pounds of fatty insulation and your heart is generating heat from beating 4000 times per minute you tend to stay warmer.
David:
We have a very good team, but I can't help but think that we can't get any further than the first round of the playoffs because our fucking team doctors are busy applying leeches to our players to try and remove the "bad humours" that are afflicting them.
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