Pat:

Say what you will about the ineptitude and criminality of other teams’ owners, the Packers pretty much have the market on owners who have received OWI citations while driving riding lawnmowers.

Parker:

Thompson cut one of the best guards in the league in the middle of camp last year, saying they needed the money to secure contract for others like T.J. Lang, and then didn’t pay Lang and let him do pretty much the same thing as Josh Sitton and go strengthen a divisional rival.

Ryan:

I’ll give you some problems the Packers have faced and you tell me what season this happened:

-inside linebackers where nonexistent

-lack of a run game to provide any balance for Aaron Rodgers

-somehow Dom Capers kept his job

-Clay Matthews was injured half the season

-Aaron Rodgers makes some great statement about how the team is fine even after all the listed problems above

It was a trick question. This is every Packer season.

Fuck every Packer fan who thinks Jeff Janis is the second coming of Jordy Nelson because he’s tall, white and fast.

(another) Ryan:

For decades I’ve been telling people that they should root for the Packers because they don’t have some asshole narcissist owner who will threaten to move the team and charge $50 for parking. Rather, it’s an idealistic cooperative among kind-hearted Midwesterners who ask for neither profit nor real ownership rights.

But every fucking January I find myself begging for a narcissistic asshole owner who would fire Mike McCarthy and Dom Capers in a fit of drunken blind rage after the team sets yet another new playoff record for a squandered second-half lead. I’ve been a share-holder for six years.

Also, sign a goddamn free agent, Ted Thompson.

Pedro from Brazil:

As an inhabitant of the Third World, it’s not often that I get to have First World Problems, but being a Packers fan would qualify.

It’s been three years running that my soul has been punched in the dick by the defense and special teams, who seem to be unaware you’re supposed to cover receivers or even tackle them. As much as I like him as a player, there’s no bigger evidence that our secondary is an elaborate troll job than the fact one of our safeties is actually named HAHA. Dom Capers is a senile old fart that couldn’t orchestrate a DE-FENSE chant, let alone an actual defense.

Valerie:

Remember when the Packers didn’t know what to do with Ty Montgomery and then tried to spin it as “strategy”? Yeah, that rocketed me into my Fantasy finals and then swiftly destroyed me.

I am 99% sure I will spend another season watching McCarthy ruin us with his play calls while I stand crushed up against a brat-stuffed man in a shitty bar somewhere that plays “The Bears Still Suck” during every commercial break because we apparently only have one song. I hate that I have to watch because I am still only 99% sure in any given season that we will be aggressively mediocre despite having a human rocket-launcher with supernatural accuracy at quarterback.

David:

Packers fans honestly believe that the team is not just some multi-billion dollar conglomerate, but some rugged mom-and-pop NFL team surviving against all odds in the cut throat world of city stadium deals. The little team that could. The fact that we have had back-to-back Hall of Fame QBs over a 24-year span isn’t seen as shit lucky, it is seen as some sort of divine gift for the truly righteous.

Oh yeah, we are also so incredibly humble, considering our 13 NFL CHAMPIONSHIPS! This includes, for example the 1929 season, where the Packers played 13 games against teams such as the Frankford Yellow Jackets, who somehow played 18 games, and the Staten Island Stapletons, who played 10 games. IT COUNTS!

Mike:

Dom Capers and Mike McCarthy’s combined fecklessness means that when I’ll never fully recover from the traumas inflicted upon me by spending $400 CAD to travel from Victoria to Seattle to see the Packers’ braintrust shit all the beds in the greater SeaTac area on one fateful January day in 2015. Fire them both to Jupiter.

(Hilariously, the only other Packers game I’ve been to was the Fail Mary debacle. I’m banning myself from all future Packers games on the West Coast.)

Nic:

Also, all our fans are fat assholes who don’t pay any attention to football unless the Packers are on. The only other franchises I can say this about are the Patriots and the Steelers. This may be a petty gripe, but Packers fans call it Kielbasa instead of Kovbasa, and as a Ukranian, that really rankles with me.

Mark:

Aaron Rodgers is the only reason this team is consistently competitive. Every game last year, McCarthy hurp derred his way through the “game plan”, the defense gave up 500 yards passing, and our wide receiver ran for 43 yards on 20 carries.

Super motherfuck with a cheddar-filled bratwurst LaDarius Gunter who is the worst god damn excuse for a #1 CB I have ever seen a team roll out, even if our entire secondary was on IR last year.

Grant:

Two years ago the Packers played a road playoff game without their top four wide receivers after Randall Cobb got hurt in the first quarter of the game. Aaron Rodgers miraculously willed this team to overtime with not one but two last ditch hail-marys to a 5th string WR. The defense then gave up the winning score in OT in about 38 seconds and Rodgers never saw the field again.

The events of this one game epitomize the entire Aaron Rodgers Era.

Victor:

The fact that the Packers have squandered the best years of the best QB of the 2010's (Career leader in Passer Rating, Adj YPA and INT rate and Active leader in TD rate) is going to haunt all thinking Packer fans (all 10 of us) for the rest of our lives. We are going to look back 20 years from now and wonder how was it that the Packers lucked into the best QB of his generation; and have one SB to show for it.

The regular season is almost meaningless because McCarthy and Capers WILL screw it up in the playoffs. Why watch?

Kellie:

We finally picked up an exciting free agent in the form of Martellus Bennett. But I now live in a state of perpetual dread about how the large I Don’t See Race (Because I Literally Don’t Interact With People of Color Ever) contingent of our fan base will react the first time he speaks out on any political issue.

Also: dom capers retire bitch

Elijah:

Fuck Brandon Bostick with a rusty tailpipe from Avery’s Auto Salvage.

Luci

I’m 30, single, have two cats, and haven’t spoken to my immediate family in years. Green Bay’s incompetent defense has made me cry more than all of these things combined. My friends say I need hobbies. What I actually need is for the Packers to quit giving me blue balls in the playoffs.

Mickey:

I have the deal of a lifetime for you. Are you ready for this? This type of opportunity only comes around once every 15 or 20 years, so read carefully.

For a limited time, I am going to offer you, Drew Magary, a chance to purchase stock in Mickey’s New House. For only $300 per share you can enjoy the bragging rights and haughty shitheadedness that comes with telling your friends that you are the partial owner of a second home. In return for your investment, I will send you a beautiful, glossy, ribbon-lined, 10x12 certificate verifying the authenticity of your stock purchase.

Before purchasing, I am required to inform you that your shares will have no cash value. They will neither appreciate, nor depreciate in value; they cannot be resold on any existing market, and you will not receive any type of dividend or fixed income payout at any time. I realize it’s called “stock”, but it’s not really, you know, “stock”. If you want to “pass it down” to your kid after you die, fine, whatever, I’ll redo the certificate and send him a new one. You will not be afforded any decision-making or opinions in the financing, function, décor, day-to-day operation, or long-term planning of Mickey’s New House. These decisions are strictly the responsibility of the Mickey’s New House Board, which consists of me, my wife, and possibly the dog since he really likes the backyard.

So, what do you get for your stock purchase? So glad you asked! As a premier investor in Mickey’s New House you will have the ultra-rare opportunity to come out here once a year (travel expenses not covered, of course) to the Mickey’s New House shareholders meeting and hang out for an ENTIRE AFTERNOON. That’s right, you can hang out with me on my couch, drink some beers (bring your own or purchase for $8.50 each), watch some football or whatever else is on TV, and just relax with myself and the family. At 5:00 PM that day, you can cast your vote for the Chairman of the Mickey’s New House Board (don’t stress about it, man, I have more shares than you and I’m the only one on the ballot), and then kindly get the fuck out.

I await your response and your check.[/QUOTE]