Rd/Player/Comment/Grade
1a. Quay Walker: With no Wu-Tang, prima donna rock catchers left to plug, the German Shephard opted for this poor man's Micah Parsons. One hit wonder at Georgia whose kung fu includes blitzing, covering and shedding blocks. Appears to be the antithesis of the last great white hope, AJ Hawk. Draft day party included a mix of blacks and whites. If the pop star Halsey is Black, then this guy is white. Grade: A
1b. Devonte Wyatt: NFL GMs are incompetent. Drafting Yokozunas - fat offensive linemen and fat defensive linemen - in round 1 is an utter waste of draft capital. Since 1973, 97% of all Yokozunas drafted in the 1st round failed to live up to the hype. Wyatt's kung fu ain't that different from that of, say, Jonathon Ford's, the Yokozuna the German Shephard took in round 7. Poor man's Justin Harrell. Shutdown corner Andrew Booth, a distant relative of John Wilkes Booth, was available. Grade: F
2. Christian Watson: Tall, slim and relatively fast rock catcher. Cut by the Wisconsin-Stevens Point football team. From afar, looks like a rare sparkling white light, ala Jordy Nelson. Upon closer looks, just another mysterious black matter in a universe full of mysterious black matter. Son of Tazim Wajid Wajed, aka, Tim Watson, a former 6th rounder of the Packers whom Ron Wolf terminated upon the recommendation of LeRoy "get those bums off the field" Butler. The opportunity cost of drafting this guy is Ty "4.28" Thornton, a poor man's Randy Moss. Grade: C
3. Sean Rhyan: A Yokozuna. We give zero fuck about this pick. Upon further review, we actually do give a fuck. In fact, looks like the man himself, the great Japanese wrestler, Yokozuna. In a predominantly black and somewhat white realm, it's always soothing to witness a dash of yellow (and brown) in the rye. Grade: D
4. Romeo Daubs: Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? Straight outta Compton. Average speed. Average route runner. Finds ways to burn DBs. Can do the back shoulder. Mentored by Snoop Dogg. Will be useless on Madden, but might outplay Watson. Poor man's Marvin Jones. Grade: B
4. Zack Tom: Zero fuck. We don't scout Yokozunas.
5. Kingsley Enagbare. Sloth. More proficient at singing than rushing quarterbacks. Along with current teammate, Keke Chism (UDFA-22), founder of the country band, The Kingsley Keke Project. Grade: D-
7a. Tariq Carpenter: Mother was a GI Jane. Due to male baldness, we refuse to take off our hat at Lambeau while the Anthem plays. This guy, however, proudly sings the Star-Spangled Banner prior to each game - hand to heart, helmet off, upright and all that shit. Hard-hitting mofo who will get annihilated at safety in the NFL. A diamond in the rough at ILB? Poor man's Kentrell Brice. Grade: D
7b. Jonathan Ford: Zero fuck.
7c. Rasheed Walker: Zero fuck.
7d. Samori Toure: If there's an argument against Jim Leonhard coordinating the Packers D, this guy is it. Annihilated that fraudulent Badgers D to the tune of 18 rocks, 258 yards and 4 TDs in Nebraska 35-28 upset of #4 Wisconsin. Grade: C+
Overall grade: C
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