Tyrone Bigguns
01-21-2008, 03:31 PM
As many of you know, I struggle daily with my addiction to crack. That addiction started after the 98 superbowl loss. Though, to be honest, Tyrone has always had an addictive personality.
My first addiction was a two pack a day habit. No, not cigarettes. Gummi Bears. Damn the German club for selling the devil’s candy in high school. Took me 2 years to finally kick the habit.
Anyway, many of you know that I was desperately fearful of the pack going to the super bowl and getting blown out. This could cause a full-blown relapse. My sobriety is the most important thing in the world, right after taking a good hit of crack. If I don’t have any crack then sobriety is how I want to live.
So, I decided to do something to ensure that I could maintain my sobriety. I knew I must talk with TT. So, last Thursday I crawled outta my cardboard box and stumbled to the lovely Scottsdale Public Library. The library is one of the favorite places for crackheads. We appreciate the fine selection of books and free internet access.
After perusing some porn and checking out my 401K (Are you laughing? Tyrone wasn’t always a crackhead.) I headed over to packers.com. I quickly found the phone # for community outreach and called it on my new iphone. Tyrone has an affinity for over priced electronics, really likes the GUI, but isn’t sold on AT&T’s network. Most of my other crackhead friends are sold on the blackberry. I say they’ve been smoking too much crack.
Anyway a lovely white women answered and asked what could she do for me. I said, “baby, you sure do sound fine, how about I sop you up like a biscuit with gravy.”
Somewhat reluctant to my pitching of woo, she remained polite but firm in her determination to help me, but not sexually. I couldn’t understand it. What better way to reach the community than to really TOUCH the community? Fo shizzle my nizzle.
I explained my dilemma and just like most white folks, felt she could help me. I said, “no, only TT can help. I need to speak with TT.”
She told me to hang on, she would check to see if TT was still in the office.
While I waited on hold I pulled a few bong hits (strictly medicinal purposes) and listened to the onhold music. The packers have excellent taste in on hold music. I was completely surprised to be humming along to Celine Dion. She is the best. If you get a chance to catch her in Vegas…run, don’t walk. I’m getting misty just thinking about it. “NEEEEEEAR, FAAAAAAAAAAAAAR, WHEREVER YOU ARE..sniffle.”
Suddenly a voice spoke to me.
“God?”
“No, it is TT”
“Really, it is you TT.”
“Yes, my son, it is I, TT”
I started sobbing. TT just listened and occasionally said, “there, there, it will be alright.”
I told TT that I couldn’t take another Packer loss in the Super Bowl.
“Don’t worry Tyrone, it is all taken care of. Nothing to worry about.”
“You mean the pack is going to win the super bowl?”
“No. I said it is all taken care of,” TT chortled.
“But, TT, how can you be sure?”
“Relax, Tyrone. The die has already been cast. You can feel confident in maintaining your sobriety. Do you think it was by accident that I didn’t drive off Brett? Do you think it is by accident that we didn’t sign moss? I knew about your problems and I knew exactly what to do.”
“You knew about my problems, but how”
“I’m TT. I have a solemn responsibility to all Packer fans. I know your pain. I talked to the big guy.”
“You mean you talked to Woodbuck or Merlin?”
“No, tyrone, I was referring to the his noodly appendage (http://www.venganza.org).”
“Wow, TT, you speak with His Noodly Appendage. That is impressive. What does His Noodly Appendage have to say about running the pack?”
“Well, Tyrone, His Noodly Appendage says that running the pack is harder than being His Noodly Appendage. More critics, more idiots.”
“But, TT, surely His Noodly Appendage has some insight into turning the pack into winners.”
“You would think so, Tyrone, you would think. But, you would be wrong. His Noodly Appendage is a really bad talent evaluator. He is always talking about high character or giving a guy a second chance. You thought Bart was bad at drafting, His Noodly Appendage makes him look like Sherman. Geez, His Noodly Appendage wanted me to draft Chad Jackson. What type of God doesn’t even know the fundamentals of the draft: never draft a florida wideout, florida state defensive lineman, or a Penn State running back.
And he is always going on about how he created the world in 7 days, yet I haven’t put the Pack in the Super bowl in 3 years. I mean, get serious. He creates the world in 7 days, but c’mon, the duck billed platypus. You think I could get away with that? I draft Jennings in the second round and I’m taking heat.”
“C’mon TT. Surely His Noodly Appendage has given you some good advice.”
“Well…I guess you could put Ryan Grant in that category.”
“His Noodly Appendage told you to get Grant”
“Don’t be an idiot Tyrone. His Noodly Appendage wanted me to pick up travis henry. No, His Noodly Appendage told me to use a 6th round pick to get him. I was just gonna wait till he hit the waiver wire. His Noodly Appendage told me that a 6th was worth risking. I’m still not convinced we couldn’t have got him for a 7th or off the waiver wire, but sometimes you gotta listen to His Noodly Appendage. He gets kinda touchy when you don’t listen to him.”
Well, that was basically the end of conversation. And, suddenly a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The weight of a jumbo sized rock. A jumbo sized rock that I intend to smoke.
My first addiction was a two pack a day habit. No, not cigarettes. Gummi Bears. Damn the German club for selling the devil’s candy in high school. Took me 2 years to finally kick the habit.
Anyway, many of you know that I was desperately fearful of the pack going to the super bowl and getting blown out. This could cause a full-blown relapse. My sobriety is the most important thing in the world, right after taking a good hit of crack. If I don’t have any crack then sobriety is how I want to live.
So, I decided to do something to ensure that I could maintain my sobriety. I knew I must talk with TT. So, last Thursday I crawled outta my cardboard box and stumbled to the lovely Scottsdale Public Library. The library is one of the favorite places for crackheads. We appreciate the fine selection of books and free internet access.
After perusing some porn and checking out my 401K (Are you laughing? Tyrone wasn’t always a crackhead.) I headed over to packers.com. I quickly found the phone # for community outreach and called it on my new iphone. Tyrone has an affinity for over priced electronics, really likes the GUI, but isn’t sold on AT&T’s network. Most of my other crackhead friends are sold on the blackberry. I say they’ve been smoking too much crack.
Anyway a lovely white women answered and asked what could she do for me. I said, “baby, you sure do sound fine, how about I sop you up like a biscuit with gravy.”
Somewhat reluctant to my pitching of woo, she remained polite but firm in her determination to help me, but not sexually. I couldn’t understand it. What better way to reach the community than to really TOUCH the community? Fo shizzle my nizzle.
I explained my dilemma and just like most white folks, felt she could help me. I said, “no, only TT can help. I need to speak with TT.”
She told me to hang on, she would check to see if TT was still in the office.
While I waited on hold I pulled a few bong hits (strictly medicinal purposes) and listened to the onhold music. The packers have excellent taste in on hold music. I was completely surprised to be humming along to Celine Dion. She is the best. If you get a chance to catch her in Vegas…run, don’t walk. I’m getting misty just thinking about it. “NEEEEEEAR, FAAAAAAAAAAAAAR, WHEREVER YOU ARE..sniffle.”
Suddenly a voice spoke to me.
“God?”
“No, it is TT”
“Really, it is you TT.”
“Yes, my son, it is I, TT”
I started sobbing. TT just listened and occasionally said, “there, there, it will be alright.”
I told TT that I couldn’t take another Packer loss in the Super Bowl.
“Don’t worry Tyrone, it is all taken care of. Nothing to worry about.”
“You mean the pack is going to win the super bowl?”
“No. I said it is all taken care of,” TT chortled.
“But, TT, how can you be sure?”
“Relax, Tyrone. The die has already been cast. You can feel confident in maintaining your sobriety. Do you think it was by accident that I didn’t drive off Brett? Do you think it is by accident that we didn’t sign moss? I knew about your problems and I knew exactly what to do.”
“You knew about my problems, but how”
“I’m TT. I have a solemn responsibility to all Packer fans. I know your pain. I talked to the big guy.”
“You mean you talked to Woodbuck or Merlin?”
“No, tyrone, I was referring to the his noodly appendage (http://www.venganza.org).”
“Wow, TT, you speak with His Noodly Appendage. That is impressive. What does His Noodly Appendage have to say about running the pack?”
“Well, Tyrone, His Noodly Appendage says that running the pack is harder than being His Noodly Appendage. More critics, more idiots.”
“But, TT, surely His Noodly Appendage has some insight into turning the pack into winners.”
“You would think so, Tyrone, you would think. But, you would be wrong. His Noodly Appendage is a really bad talent evaluator. He is always talking about high character or giving a guy a second chance. You thought Bart was bad at drafting, His Noodly Appendage makes him look like Sherman. Geez, His Noodly Appendage wanted me to draft Chad Jackson. What type of God doesn’t even know the fundamentals of the draft: never draft a florida wideout, florida state defensive lineman, or a Penn State running back.
And he is always going on about how he created the world in 7 days, yet I haven’t put the Pack in the Super bowl in 3 years. I mean, get serious. He creates the world in 7 days, but c’mon, the duck billed platypus. You think I could get away with that? I draft Jennings in the second round and I’m taking heat.”
“C’mon TT. Surely His Noodly Appendage has given you some good advice.”
“Well…I guess you could put Ryan Grant in that category.”
“His Noodly Appendage told you to get Grant”
“Don’t be an idiot Tyrone. His Noodly Appendage wanted me to pick up travis henry. No, His Noodly Appendage told me to use a 6th round pick to get him. I was just gonna wait till he hit the waiver wire. His Noodly Appendage told me that a 6th was worth risking. I’m still not convinced we couldn’t have got him for a 7th or off the waiver wire, but sometimes you gotta listen to His Noodly Appendage. He gets kinda touchy when you don’t listen to him.”
Well, that was basically the end of conversation. And, suddenly a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The weight of a jumbo sized rock. A jumbo sized rock that I intend to smoke.