Jokes

[Tarlam!]

Thought we should have a joke thread....

[Tarlam!]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

[Iron Mike]

The man that invented the "Hokey Pokey" dance died last week.

Funeral Directors had to re-schedule his showing several times, as there

was a problem after he was embalmed. While moving the corpse from the

embalming table to the casket, they'd put his right foot in.........he'd take

his right foot out, etc..... :mrgreen:

[Tarlam!]

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Look, Bartender, I aint got no money, but I wanna drink. I aint got no money, but, I have a mouse that can play the piano. Will that do for payment?"

The Bartender looks pretty amazed, but says "Sure, Mate, if the mouse is any good, you can have a few on the house"

So, the drunk walks over to the piano over in the corner, pulls a cute little white mouse outta his pocket and places it on the piano keys. He leans down and whispers "Beethoven's 5th if you don't mind"

With that, the mouse launches into a beautiful rendition of Beethoven's 5th Symphony! He's perfect and all the guests and the Bartender are absolutely amazed. The drunk gets paid in liquids all night and the mouse plays anything anybody requests.

Everybody's Happy!

Next night, the drunk walks into the same bar. Says, "Look, Bartender, I aint got no money, but I wanna drink. I aint got no money, but, I have a mouse that can play the piano. Will that do for payment?"

The Bartender says, "Sorry Mate, but we've seen that mouse. We think he's a great talent, but, well, come back next month"

But the drunk wants to drink tonight, so he says, "Well, what about if I let my frog sing for ya?"

The Bartender says "You have a singing frog?" The drunk nods. The Bartender says "O.K. well, if the frog's as good as the mouse, let's give it a go".

With that the drunk walks over to the piano over in the corner, pulls his cute little white mouse outta his pocket and places it on the piano keys. He then pulls outta his other pocket this big green tree frog and sits it on top of the piano. He leans down and whispers "Boys, how about a bit of 'old Blue Eyes?"

The mouse jumps into action on the piano and the frog croons out his version of "I Did It My Way" far better then even Frank Sinatra!

The mouse and the frog are perfect and all the guests and the Bartender are absolutely amazed. The drunk gets paid in liquids all night and the mouse plays anything and the frog sings anything anybody requests.

Everybody's Happy!

Anyways, there's this bloke leaning on the bar next to the drunk and he says to the drunk "How much do ya want for the frog". The drunk says, "Awe, it's a pretty special frog, I couldn't sell him for less than 20 bucks."

The bloke can't believe his luck and says "Done!" He pays him the 20 bucks, stuffs the frog in his pocket and scurries on out.

The Bartender walks over to the drunk and says "Mate, are you stupid? That frog was worth maybe millions, and you just sold it for a measly 20 bucks?"

The drunk says, " Nah, the frog wasn't worth much. Y'see, the mouse is a ventriloquist!"

[Badgepack]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna
start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was
gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your
fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around
like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started

[Deputy Nutz]

Where do you find a dog with no legs


Right where you left it.

[Mazzin]

May be old.....

A drunk man staggers into a Church and sits down in a confessional box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs a few times to attract his attention, but the man still says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking man, there's no paper on this side either."

[Mazzin]

May not be PG...but Damned funny





A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

[Mazzin]

Bit longer






One day Pete was complaining to his friend 'my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor'. His friend said 'Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.' Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks. Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!

[Mazzin]

Last one than I'm gone till later tonight.




The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[jack's smirking revenge]

Funny stuff all. Keep up the chuckles!

tyler

[hurleyfan]

A Little "immigration" humor

A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the
exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must
have it.

He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back,"
said the owner.

The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I
won't be bringing it back."

As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a
few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following
him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a
little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind
him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.

He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and
saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and
they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as
far out into the Harbor as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and
were drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the
owner,
"You're bringing it back !"
"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for
that little bronze Mexican over there."

[hurleyfan]

Where do you find a dog with no legs


Right where you left it. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?



Matt

[Joemailman]

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day. Clinton goes to heaven and the Pope goes to hell. The Pope can't believe it. After a while, he sees Satan come walking by. He asks Satan, "What's going on here? Clinton goes to heaven and I go to hell?" "Hmmm... that does seem strange. Let me look into into it, and I'll get back to you", says Satan. After a while, Satan returns. "Yeah, you were right", he says. "We got the paperwork screwed up. You're supposed to go to heaven and Clinton's supposed to go to hell. We'll have you switch places this afternoon." Later, as they are about to switch places, the Pope says to Clinton, "I'm sorry about your ultimate demise. But, I mean, I'm the Pope! I've waited all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." Clinton says, "Well, you're about 15 minuted too late!"

[Iron Mike]

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

--Right where you left it.

Oldie but goodie--What do you do with a dog with no legs?

--Take it for a drag.

What do you call a dog with only two legs?

--Tippy.

[Joemailman]

What do you call a guy with no legs or arms floating in a swimming pool? Bob

What do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen

What's an Irishman's version of foreplay? "Brace yourself Bridget!"

A woman runs into a police station and yells "Help me, I've been raped by an Irishman!" "How do you know it was an Irishman?", asks the officer. "Because I had to help him", she exclaims.

What do Jews do during the St. Patrick's Day Parade? Walk over to the window and watch their employees march.

What do an elephant and a plum have in common? They're both purple except for the elephant.

[pacfan]

Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean.

So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[pacfan]

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused! and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute

[Homer Jay]

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he aint coming anyway.

What do you call a dog with no rear legs and brass balls? Sparky.

What do you call a dog with no rear legs, brass balls and a urinary problem? Rusty.

[Tarlam!]

Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies...

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

[GBRulz]

That was good, tarlem!! They could also have one that says "In the Friday the 13th movies, no matter how fast a person runs, Jason is walking calmly behind them, yet seems to only remain just 4-5 steps away"

I almost think this thread could have a sticky or whatever. I started a joke thread and it's all the way back like on page 3. So, I'm just going to copy and paste a couple things that I've shared before.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

[hurleyfan]

After numerous rounds of "we don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama
himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to
let him know he
was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of a
coded message:

37OHSSV-0773H

Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one there could
solve the code so on it went to the CIA, and then to NSA. With no clue
to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within 1 minute MI-6 cabled back with this reply. "Tell the FBI that
Kennedy's holding the message upside down!"

[Tarlam!]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.


These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and
have been given only the following facts about terrorists:


1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

6. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."


We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

[pacfan]

After numerous rounds of "we don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama
himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to
let him know he
was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of a
coded message:

37OHSSV-0773H

Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one there could
solve the code so on it went to the CIA, and then to NSA. With no clue
to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within 1 minute MI-6 cabled back with this reply. "Tell the FBI that
Kennedy's holding the message upside down!"

Thank god Cheney leaked it to the press or we wouldn't have heard about it...... :lol:

[hurleyfan]

Man I wish Tex was here!

[AtlPackFan]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.


These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and
have been given only the following facts about terrorists:


1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

6. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."


We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

I believe this could actually work. Especially if you tell them the "Brokeback Mountain" part...sure have been a lot less cowboy hats around here since that movie came out. :mrgreen:

[Tarlam!]

An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to
draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Irishman . "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when do I start?"

[Tarlam!]

Probably should be a woman's pages thread somewhere. This would normally go on there....


TWO YEAR DEGREE COURSE
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in:
Becoming a Real Man. That’s right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree. (Male Arts)

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What’s Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120: How NOT to Act like an arse when you’re Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How To Put the Toilet Seat Down


(Elective)
(See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say “Yes, Dear”
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there.
MENtal Illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)
Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with men?

Send this to all women you know (and men with a sense of humour) and brighten up their day!!…. and when we have real trouble, it’s a HISterectomy!!!

[GBRulz]

Yes Tarlam...another fine example of why you are one of my favorite posters!!!

Here's another one...need sound...

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

[GBRulz]

I admit, I am a dog lover, but don't care too much for cats, so of course I love this video!

http://media.putfile.com/Pepsi-Cola

[Tarlam!]

great stuff! Personally, I love to play ball with cats:





http://www.goatpod.co.uk/going%20up/cruel.jpg

[GBRulz]

LOL - ok, I don't dislike them that much!

[hurleyfan]

Wal Mart Greeter:

A very unattractive, nasty, mean actin' woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.!

The Wal-Mart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?

The ugly woman says "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's7.Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"Hell no", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. :razz:

[hurleyfan]

Broke Back Spider:

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"
the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and
innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them
are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment ......... then took her foot and stomped them flat and said,

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

[Joemailman]

Top Ten Signs Your Mailman Has Been Working Much Too Hard


10. Announces that he just married a sheet of Marliyn Monroe stamps

9. It's been over three weeks since he cleaned his gun

8. Delivers the mail wearing nothing but bubble wrap

7. Announces his new system: reach into his bag, and whatever you can grab is yours

6. He's stopped having sex with half the housewives in the neighborhood

5. Just sits on the curb, tearing pages out of a "Victoria's Secret" catalog and eating them

4. He's been leaving most of the driving to his pet monkey, Earl

3. His wife complains that in the bedroom, he's not exactly "Mr. Zip"

2. Claims he's Elmo; demands that you tickle him

1. Walks down the street shouting, "Lick this!"

Back

[GBRulz]

Hey Joe, I'd love to see the bubble wrap outfit...are you willing to model it for us? :twisted:

[Joemailman]

No way. You'll take a picture and I'll end up being Nutz' new avatar. :oops:

[Harlan Huckleby]

No way. You'll take a picture and I'll end up being Nutz' new avatar. :oops:

hey, happened to GBM, can happen to you to!

[Joemailman]

No way. You'll take a picture and I'll end up being Nutz' new avatar. :oops:

hey, happened to GBM, can happen to you to!


This could get really ugly. :shock:

[Joemailman]

Durst Quotes

Bush is like if Reagan and Quayle had a kid. He's Quagan.


John Kerry. Worst campaign ever. And that includes France in 39. Who ever thought we'd fondly reminisce about the charismatic Gore Lieberman campaign. Stiffer than Rick Santorum on a Gay Pride Parade Float.


I'd accuse the Democrats of being afraid of their own shadow, but I have yet to be convinced they actually cast one.


Pope Benedict XVI admits he used to be a member of the Nazi Party, but he didn't want to be. He was forced to join as a youth and got out as soon as he could. And I can relate, because that pretty much mirrors my experience with the Catholic Church.


Bush claims he wants to work with the Democrats. Yeah, right. The same way a 5 year old with a magnifying glass wants to work with ants.


Q. Why are there no Democrats on Star Trek? A. Because it's set in the future.


Bush says he looked into Putin's eyes and saw his soul. Fortunately, Putin was gracious enough not to mention he looked into Bush's ear and saw daylight on the other side.


Dubyah's Healthy Forests Initiative encourages logging, his Clear Skies Bill allows for more pollution. You can understand why seniors are afraid his Social Security Reform might legislate a quota of old people.


The President says he doesn't read, and the problem is, I believe him.


Bush's nickname is Dubya. Clinton was Bubba. Bubba and Dubyah. The hell is wrong with us? Why can't we elect some guy known as "The Little Professor?" Where's President "Brainiac" or "Einstein?"


Cheney has a pacemaker the size of a garage door opener. The first Vice President susceptible to assassination by microwave.


The NRA continues to argue assault weapons can be used as legitimate hunting rifles. OK. I can buy that. I mean, you can also use a chain saw to cut butter. Just going to get a little messy around muffin time.


PETA says we shouldn't eat fish because they have feelings too. The hell are we supposed to eat? Fruit? Vegetables? What's next? "Please don't agitate the Brussel Sprouts' self-esteem?"

If Hillary becomes President, that makes Bill the First Lady. And knowing his sexual proclivities, that means he's the first First Lady to be a lesbian. Okay. Maybe not.


Newt Gingrich has not ruled out a run for the Oval Office in 08. President Newt. That's scarier than the Dennis Hastert Swimsuit Calendar.


Clinton got 12 million dollars for his memoirs. Hillary got 8. That's 20 million dollars for the memories of two people who for 8 years continually testified under oath they couldn't remember a single thing. Is this a great country or what? I want that book deal. Chapter One: "I Can't Recall." Chapter Two: "It's All a Blur." Chapter Three: "I Hear Humming."


Still can't find Osama. The six foot nine inch Arabian guy traipsing around the Khyber Pass dragging behind him a solar-powered Kidney Dialysis Machine from Sharper Image.


I'm glad Schwarzenegger is Governor of California. We have once again wrestled the mantle of madcap away from Florida. We are Colliephonia: The state that put the "mock" in Democracy.


What's the deal with his marriage to Maria Shriver? What is that: phase one in a genetic experiment to breed a bullet-proof Kennedy? Have you seen her lately? She looks like Skeletor's great aunt. Those cheekbones, you could slice open envelopes with those puppies.


Can someone tell me what this gay marriage is all about? How does 2 people's happiness make me miserable? "Well, I don't think people should marry a person of the same sex." Well then, don't. You really want to piss them off? RSVP for the reception, then don't show.


Besides, I thought the whole idea was to keep gays from having sex. What better way than marriage do you know...?


I think what Gavin Newsom, mayor of San Francisco, is trying to do is piss Bush off so much that the President calls in an air strike on the 415 area code...then we're eligible for new schools and roads and universal health care.

Condi Rice said we have no plans to invade Iran. So if I were Iran, I'd be digging a bunker near hell, because the last time we had no plans to invade somebody, we invaded the crap out of them. Besides. What BS. Of course we have plans to invade Iran. We're America. That's what we do. We make plans. I bet we have multiple plans to invade Martha's Vineyard..



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will Durst is our greatest political comic.

[GBRulz]

damnit Blue... I was going to keep your photo a secret, but you pissed me off....

http://neir0mancer.ru/pics/jornal/17/penis-man-big2.jpg

Harlan dancing at the annual Festival of Dolls convention in downtown Pulaski

[Deputy Nutz]

How did that African get circumsized?

[Harlan Huckleby]

funny thing is, i just offered idea for tank that he start infomercial for penis reduction. This guy might be a customer. Well, if he watches late night TV.

[ranks66]

Thought we should have a joke thread....


Did you hear the Pope has the bird flu ?

He got it from on of his Cardinals...........

[BigDmoney]

what's helen keller's dog's name?............................................





uuugghghuuuuuggggghhhugghhhhaaahhhhhhhuuugghheee!

[hurleyfan]

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.

[GBRulz]

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself:

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they open!"

[K-town]

Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make
our days
interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went to a
small shop
down on High Street.

I was only in there for about 10 minutes.

When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said,

"Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He looked up, then ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a heartless Nazi bastard.

He glared at me an d then started writing another ticket for worn
tires.

So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first.

I called him an asshole and a pig.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

I called his mother a slut and a whore.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I verbally abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a shit.

I came downtown by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important at my age.

[Tarlam!]

One for my good friend, Harvey:

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you Get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on your privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital.

[the_idle_threat]

K-town: That was my car you bastard! :mrgreen:

[Bretsky]

AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING
HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE
ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE
YEARS
OLD,UNMARRIED,AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL
EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME
ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ
COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY
AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A
SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN
COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM,
OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA
AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE
VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE
CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED:
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

THE
HUSBAND REPLIED:
"I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.

[Bretsky]

Apartment Rental


A married businessman meets a
beautiful girl and

agrees to spend the night with her for $500.



He spends the night with her but before he leaves,
he tells her that he does not have any cash with him,

but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to
her,

calling the payment....

"RENT FOR APARTMENT."



On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,

realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.

So he has his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclosed the following typed note:



Dear Madam:



Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;



1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at
home.



However, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

**

Upon receipt of the note,

the girl immediately returned the check for $250

with the following note:



Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you
expect a

beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it,
if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,

but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,

please don't blame the landlady.



Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady

[Bretsky]

NBA OR NFL?






36
have been accused of spousal abuse






7
have been arrested for fraud







19
have been accused of writing bad checks








117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses








3
have done time for assault




71,
repeat
71 cannot
get a credit card due to bad credit




14
have been arrested on drug-related charges












8
have been arrested for shoplifting







21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and







84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year

















Can
you guess which organization this is?

























Give
up yet? . . . Scroll down,




























Neither,
it's the 535 members of the United
States Congress.







The
same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.

[Bretsky]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
> Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
> " Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
> intelligence come from?"
> The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause
> I still have mine"
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court
> Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
> "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then
> I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like
> the looks of your wife at all."
> "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good
> with the kids.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
> been living with for the last 40 years.
> The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
> were used to put the curse on you."
> The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
> 1.. All the DNA is the same.
> 2. There are no dental records.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take
> to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
> The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
> "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How
> was he killed?" asked one detective.
> "With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
> "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
> "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
> Joe: "Really?"
> Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
> "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
> surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse.
> "OOPS!"
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
> bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
> even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
> "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
> "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one
>

[Harlan Huckleby]

Lena was feeling poorly, so her husband Ollie took her to the doctor.
When the doctor came out, he said, "Lena's got an acute angina".
Ollie says, "I know that doc, what the heck's wrong with her?"


(This joke is terribly unfunny written down. You have to say it in a Swedish accent, then big belly laughs.)

[CaptainKickass]

These are terrible jokes.....


Here's another one:

Q - Why is there always a southerly wind blowing out of Milwaukee?
A - Because Chicago sucks!

[Scott Campbell]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled ook by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[woodbuck27]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.


These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and
have been given only the following facts about terrorists:


1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

6. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."


We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

All the jokes are good but I loved that one Tarlam. :mrgreen:

The one on things we should know fr. the movies, was also special and so Dam true.

[woodbuck27]

"THE
HUSBAND REPLIED:
"I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW." Bretsky

I really laughed at that one. :lol: X 100 !

[woodbuck27]

George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

[woodbuck27]

GUTS or BALLS ?

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ..

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[woodbuck27]

Questions of the day

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

10. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

11. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

12. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

13. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

14. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

15. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

16. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[woodbuck27]

(For those Americans reading this, a "newfie" is what we call our far Eastern Province Newfoundland brethren. here in Canada)

Two Newfies, Ned 'n Jarge, decided they aren't going anywhere in life and think they should go to college to get ahead.

Ned goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Ned.

The professor answers, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a sno-blower?

"I sure do," responded Ned.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a driveway," replies the professor.

"That's real good." The Newf responded in awe.

The professor continues: "Logic will also tell me, that since you have a driveway you also have a house."

Impressed, the Newf shouts, "Darned tootin!!"

"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"HOLY SMOKIES!! This is incredible!" Ned exclaims. "You's so smart."

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual," says the professor.

"Lord thunderin Jesus. You're right on bye! Why dat's the most fascinatin' ting I ever heard of. I caint wait to take dis 'ere logic class."

Ned, right proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where Jarge is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin?" asks Jarge.

"Math, history, and the logic." replies Ned.

"What da 'ell is the logic, Ned?" asks Jarge?

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a sno-blower?"

"No." answers Jarge.

" Then you're a queer Jarge, h'ain't ya?"

Now . . . not everyone in Newfoundland is so stupid.

It's been reported that this is an actual transcript of a radio conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

U.S. Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Canadian reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

U.S. ship: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadian reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

U.S. ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE U.S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

Canadian reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[woodbuck27]

It was the end of the Gulf War. The Arabs stared over at the oil fields and watched them burning. Day and night the flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they call 'Red O'Dare'. Red O Dare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red O'Dare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O'Dare from Co. Mayo in Ireland.

The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the oil fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied, "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost? Paddy replied, "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000". "Great", said the Arab and hung up the phone.

The Arabs waited in the Desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four red-haired Paddy's comes roaring over the sand dunes and heads straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their denim jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the oil rig fire was out. The four Paddy's walked over to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus, that was rough!"

The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy,

"And what are you going to buy with all this money"?

"Paddy Replied,

"Well, the first thing I'm going to buy is a set of brakes for that truck!!"

[woodbuck27]

O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?"

O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said. . .

"After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said. . .

"No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."

another Irish one:

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to Dublin, I came upon a gang of ruffians who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. I approached the largest of them, smacked him on the head, and told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. " When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

[woodbuck27]

Ahhhh bejaysus, what the heck but one more:

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.

Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.

As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up your drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye!"

Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?"

To that the Missus replied, "I'm the devill ya' damned old fool".

To which Flaherty remarked,

"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

and for all you who might tip too many pints the odd time:

A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and talking with the barkeep. Another young man walks in and sits besides him. He says, "How you do?", hears the lilt in his reply and says, "You be Irish"? "Yes I am", the second man replies.

The first man yells, "Barkeep, give us another round and one for my friend here, he’s from the mother country as well". The second man asks, "So where in the old country ye from?" "Dublin", responds the first. "Dublin you say - so am I". The second man hollers, "Barkeep, bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here".

Afterwards the first man asks, "From where in Dublin do you come from?", the second man responds with the name of the street that he lived on. The first man says, "Well I’ll be - so am I" and yells barkeep, "Another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the two of us".

The phone behind the bar rings, the barkeep answers it – it’s the Owner of the Pub on the phone.

The Owner asks, "How is business?" The barkeep responds,

"Not bad, the O’Malley twins are here getting drunk again".

[woodbuck27]

This one is for Guiness:

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands. At the end of the day, all of the presidents, of all beer companies, decide to have a drink in a bar together.

The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

[woodbuck27]

SUBJ: College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version

Time Limit: 3 WKS

Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

[woodbuck27]

One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed.

"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"

"Did I say I was 64?"

"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"

"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"

"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"You mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"

"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"No! You can't mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"

"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!"

"Did I say he wanted to get married?..."

[Harlan Huckleby]

I am heading up to Canada with a giant net!!!

[ranks66]

I am heading up to Canada with a giant net!!!

Did you hear about the blond inspector that was fired from he M&M factory for throwing out all of the W's?

[Harlan Huckleby]

I don't know, Ranks, makes sense to me. If they print it upside down, it's defective. Then again I have blonde hair, or traces thereof.


I like the joke about the husband with balls.

[Iron Mike]

The Wal Mart-Greeter

An extremely mean acting and unattractive woman walks into Walmart with her two children.

The Walmart Greeter does his thing and then asks, "Are they twins?"

The woman, now making a face that makes her look even uglier, says "No
Jackass, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. "Why?........ Do you really think they look alike, you idiot?"

"No, replies the greeter, I just can't believe you got laid twice."

[K-town]

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his
tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything
looks great. How are you doing mentally and
emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have
poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in
the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!
the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine!

But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with
God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and
poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's
done, poof! the light goes off?"


>"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[woodbuck27]

Guilty from Over Thinking

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WHO WAVES AT HIM AND SAYS HELLO.

HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER.

SO HE SAYS. . . " DO YOU KNOW ME ? "

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES, "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY
CHILDREN.

NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL AND SAYS...

" ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I HAD ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY BUTT WITH WET CELERY ? "

SUDDENLY LOOKING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE, SHE SAID. . .

" NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER. "

[woodbuck27]

If you know any Canadian Geography it will help here.

Some Canadian sayings: ** ones that we hear more than other's:

** It’s so flat in Saskatchewan, you can watch your dog run away from home for a week.

Saskatchewan is the only place in Canada where a woodpecker has to pack a box lunch.

You can always tell people from Saskatchewan. When the wind stops blowing, they fall over.

Crop’s so short this year in Saskatchewan, gophers have to kneel down to eat.

Talkative? That dude’s got more tongue than a mountie’s boot.

So dry last week around Virden, Manitoba, that frogs were poundin’ on the screen door, askin’ for a dipper of water.

So happy she had a grin as wide as the St. Lawrence.

Rain cleared up quickly this morning in Vancouver. Disappeared faster than a B.C. premier.

So dumb he thinks Medicine Hat is a cure for head lice.

** He was sowing his wild oats, but hoping for crop failure.

She’s been married so many times, she’s got veil rash.

She was pure as the snow, but she drifted.

La rondelle ne roule pas pour lui. The puck isn’t going his way.

** She had a smile on her like poison come to supper.

** She’s like CPR railway track. Been laid right across the country.

Far as ever a puffin flew. (A long way in Newfoundland)

How cold was it last night in southern Ontario? I saw a squirrel towing a blue jay to get it started south.

[Harlan Huckleby]

** It’s so flat in Saskatchewan, you can watch your dog run away from home for a week.


that one was stolen from Kansas. Damn Canadians. 54-40 or fight!

[Harlan Huckleby]

O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the


After mass, Timmy O'Leary went to confession, and he said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I committed adultry."

Father said, "I see, son. Was it the Shaunessy woman?"
Timmy: "No Father. And I just can't tell you."
Father: "Come now Timmy. I can't absolve you if you won't tell who it was. Was it Mrs. O'Reilly?"
Timmy: "Father, I promised. I just can't say."
Father: "Was it the Flanagan girl? You must say or I can't absolve you."
Timmy: "Sorry Father, guess you won't be able to absolve me. But thanks for the leads!"

[woodbuck27]

** It’s so flat in Saskatchewan, you can watch your dog run away from home for a week.


that one was stolen from Kansas. Damn Canadians. 54-40 or fight!

OK HH. Ever check out the Canadian Band 54-40?

I really like this band.

[Harlan Huckleby]

I see they are compared to REM, so I gave a listen. Not bad, but no Michael Stipe vocalist there.

[CaptainKickass]

Q. What do the Cleveland Browns and the Pittsburg Steelers have in comon?

A. They both have star players that don't know how to ride a motorcycle.



:mrgreen: :D

[woodbuck27]

I see they are compared to REM, so I gave a listen. Not bad, but no Michael Stipe vocalist there.

54-40 has a similiar style to REM.

I was very into them about 4 years ago.

My hands down favourite is John Mellencamp, and sometimes I have to get a full platter of AC/DC on.

After that - I have a really decent Blues collection.

[Green Bud Packer]

what did the blonde mom say to her blonde daughter on the daughters first date? if your not in bed by 11:00 come home.

[Green Bud Packer]

a gal walks into a bar and the barkeep says "i haven't seen you in here for a couple of weeks." the gal responds "thats cuz the last time i was in here i got so hammered i went home and blew chunks." the barkeep says "thats nothing last nite a guy left here so drunk he crashed his car into a pole,crawled the rest of the way home and when he opened the door his wife took a swing at him,knocked over a candle and burned their house to the ground." the gal looked at the barkeep and says "i don't think you understood,chunks is my dog."

[Tarlam!]

Although this is not a joke, strictly speaking, y'all should check out this link. Miss Universe Pagent (http://theync.com/h072106leno.shtml)

[woodbuck27]

Right On !

[MJZiggy]

4and12, Don't know if it stayed a joke thread, but it did start as one...

[MJZiggy]

Man I wish Tex was here!

How come?

[gex]

Mom's Obsession



A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get some dinner. :lol:

[gex]

This is better as an email when you scroll down.
:lol:



6 Truths of Life





1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.






2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.






3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.






4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.










5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.







6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this .

I'm an idiot and I needed company ... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Partial]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjZSneyY8Ro&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mg3zesVdhSY

[Partial]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VntVac0iWUg