We need a bit of levity........joke time

[packinpatland]

Someone just sent this to me.......it's probably been posted before, but still....it's funny. :lol:

Grandmas Don't Know Everything:

Tony had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he
came into the house and asked, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when
two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the
truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the
other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunkbeds, and Jimmy's mom
wants to talk to you.'

[Freak Out]

Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees'!

'What powerful rivers'!

'What beautiful animals'!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent .

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don'texist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

[Freak Out]

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

[Freak Out]

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

[Freak Out]

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

[Freak Out]

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

[Freak Out]

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgot his watch. He searches for someone who could give him the time.

He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. "Excuse me, sir," says the young man "Do you know what time it is?"

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.

"Mmmmm, it is about 3:00," the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, "How did you know that?" The zoo keeper looks back at the man, "I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you."

[MadtownPacker]

http://www.packerrats.com/ratchat/images/prime.jpg

[3irty1]

A vampire walks into a bar and asks for a cup of hot water.

The bartender says "No problem, but don't you guys usually drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."

[gex]

Freak Out Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"


What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's "G-spot"?


.......................Men will actually search for a golf ball! :lol:

[Tyrone Bigguns]

Freak Out Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"


What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's "G-spot"?


.......................Men will actually search for a golf ball! :lol:

Question: How do you know when a woman has had an orgasm?

Answer: Who cares!

[MJZiggy]

And men wonder why they don't get laid more...

[Tyrone Bigguns]

And men wonder why they don't get laid more...

Let them wonder.

Ty profits from their stupidity.

[Tarlam!]

A homeless man enters a bar. He is dressed in shoddy clothes and has clearly not seen a shelter in days. Ambling up to the bar, he demands to see the manager.

"See here, my good Sir, I have a business proposition for you." The manager is a kind soul and asks what's on the drunk's mind.

"I have a white mouse in my pocket. My mouse can play the piano. If my mouse plays for the house, I would want to drink myself stupid as compensation".

"A piano playing mouse? You're on!" said the manager

The drunk hobbles over to the piano, dives into his pocket with his hand and produces a white mouse. He carefully places the mouse on the keys and whispers "Beethoven's 5th".

Immediately thereupon, the mouse starts running up and down the keys and pounded out the 5th Symphony. Then, the mouse played blues, jazz, rock and requests from the swelling audience. All the while the mouse's owner sat at the bar and indulged himself gleefully.

The next day, the patron with the mouse entered the establishment anew and demanded to speak to the manager.

"We've seen the mouse and, well, the show is old, no deal".

The patron said "Ah, but I have a frog. My frog can sing like Frank Sinatra".

Hobbling over to the grand piano, he pull the mouse from his pocket and placed it on the keys. He then pulled a green frog from his other pocket and propt it up on the piano.

He spoke softly "Boys, I did it my way". The mouse thumped out the melody and the frog belted out the tune in a way that brought tears to the eyes of every witness. It was a gala performance, as if "Ol' Blue Eyes" himself were present. Any description would lack authenticity.

All the while the mouse's and Frog's owner sat at the bar and indulged himself gleefully

Seeing a business opportunity, a man in the audience approached the patron "I'll give you $100 dollars for that frog".

The drunk eyed the man from top to bottom. Finally, he said "Done" and the frog was sold.

The bar manager witnessed this. He had said nothing, but, his conscience finally forced him to react. "How could you sell that frog for a lousy hundred bucks? That frog sings like Frank Sinatra. That frog is worth millions!"

To which the patron replied "The frog?. The frog is worthless. The mouse is a ventriloquist"

[GBRulz]

And men wonder why they don't get laid more...

Let them wonder.

Ty profits from their stupidity.

So you ARE Dimitri the Lover!!! :lol:

[GrnBay007]

Noah in the year 2008

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States , and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

'Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a
few good humans.'

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build
the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard - but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed
a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

'Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for
the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea
would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

'Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting
local trees in order to save the spotted owl.. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

'When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

'They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

'Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

'I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

'Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status
of most of the people who want to work.

'The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to
hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

'To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

'So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark.'



Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean
you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.'

[mraynrand]

A vampire walks into a bar and asks for a cup of hot water.

The bartender says "No problem, but don't you guys usually drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."


EEEEWWWWwwwwwwww!!!!

[Tarlam!]

A vampire walks into a bar and asks for a cup of hot water.

The bartender says "No problem, but don't you guys usually drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."


EEEEWWWWwwwwwwww!!!!

Oh, don't be such a pansy. That joke has been around since Lipton invented tea bags.

[Zool]

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tea+bag

[Tarlam!]

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tea+bag

Oh My God. :shock:

[packinpatland]

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game . At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.'The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.
'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. She knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men think they are smarter than women.

[MJZiggy]

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tea+bag

Oh My God. :shock:

You didn't know???

[Cleft Crusty]

I went to a bar in Green Bay recently, and a guy there said I sucked as a columnist, so I belted him in the face.

[Iron Mike]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/funny-pictures-your-cat-needs-you-to-come-in-on-caturday.jpg

[the_idle_threat]

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game . At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.'The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.
'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. She knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men think they are smarter than women.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[SkinBasket]

Iron Mike's been cruising the GC again...

[Iron Mike]

Iron Mike's been cruising the GC again...

Heh Heh Heh Heh.

How's that new bathroom coming? :wink:

[Tarlam!]

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tea+bag

Oh My God. :shock:

You didn't know???

Gag me with a spoon. No, I didn't know. You people in the USA are sickos.

[SkinBasket]

Iron Mike's been cruising the GC again...

Heh Heh Heh Heh.

How's that new bathroom coming? :wink:

It's been done for a while, but then we junked it up with all our stuff. I'll try to remember to take a couple of discrete pics in the next couple weeks sometime.

It's pretty fucking awesome.

[mraynrand]

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tea+bag

Oh My God. :shock:

You didn't know???

Gag me with a spoon. No, I didn't know. You people in the USA are sickos.

Don't be such a pansy!

[Tarlam!]

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tea+bag

Oh My God. :shock:

You didn't know???

Gag me with a spoon. No, I didn't know. You people in the USA are sickos.

Don't be such a pansy!

Touché. I bow my head and swivel my drama queen foil respectfully at you and withdraw.

[mraynrand]

Touché. I bow my head and swivel my drama queen foil respectfully at you and withdraw.
Call it even. That Urban Dictionary was horrifying.

[hurleyfan]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.


After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the
circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill
her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

[MJZiggy]

Touché. I bow my head and swivel my drama queen foil respectfully at you and withdraw.
Call it even. That Urban Dictionary was horrifying.

Only go there if you need to know something specific. Like if Mad posts or something.

[swede]

A redhead walks onto the doctor's office. "I hurt everywhere." she says.

"That's odd," says the doctor. "Please show me what you mean."

The redhead pushes her finger against her forehead. "Ouch!" she says.

She pushes her finger against her right shoulder. "Ouch!" she cries.

She pushes her finger against her left knee. "Ouch!" she cries once again.

"All right, I've seen enough," says the doctor. "You're not really a redhead are you?"

"Why, no...I'm a natural blonde," the woman says, "but what's wrong with me?"

"You have a broken finger."

[packinpatland]

Thought it was time to 're-up' this thread......things are getting too serious around here lately......

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the
word'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I
was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. Sh e finally decided there was no
way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight.'

[oregonpackfan]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

PIP,

I thought the name was Aunt June. You know, like the lyrics in Oklahoma, "June is bustin' out all over..." :)

[BallHawk]

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

Unless you're Brett Favre. Then you've got them wrapped around your finger.

[packinpatland]

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

Unless you're Brett Favre. Then you've got them wrapped around your finger.

Not funny....... :roll:

[BallHawk]

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

Unless you're Brett Favre. Then you've got them wrapped around your finger.

Not funny....... :roll:

Can't we agree to disagree? :D

[packinpatland]

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

Unless you're Brett Favre. Then you've got them wrapped around your finger.

Not funny....... :roll:

Can't we agree to disagree? :D

We can do that........but only when I'm right :wink:

[Iron Mike]

THE BALLOONIST

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Engineering," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to me."

The man below says, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

:lol: