Dating Advice. You Ask I Answer!

[Deputy Nutz]

I was giving a little bit of dating advice to our dear friend Tank and he said I should write a book. Well lets just start off on a advice thread and see where it goes from there.

We did something like this on JSO with the N&B's Show. It did, well average but I am bored so I am ready to give it another try.

[Little Whiskey]

why don't you head over and have a beer with murph. I think he's got enough for everyone. actually he brought the wine, but stop on by and bring your glass.

[Deputy Nutz]

why don't you head over and have a beer with murph. I think he's got enough for everyone. actually he brought the wine, but stop on by and bring your glass.

Well this is our first question of the night, who to score a number at a party with alcohol. Well first make sure that if your coming to bring something that you know girls are going to drink, like a Mike's Hard Lemonaide or a Schmrnof Ice or something. Even bring a couple of bottles of cheap wine, but make sure it looks nice. Some girls just aren't going to drink beer, and even if their friends do, if their is nothing there for them to drink they are gong to drag away their beer drinking friends.

Secondly if there is a girl you are interested don't get super plowed. Bring her a drink a time or two. And if you want to be shady have one of your buddies bump into her and act like a jerk, then come to her rescue, don't be super macho, be sensitive in dealing with this "jerk". Then ask her if she would like to go outside for some fresh air.

Most importantly work the room, just don't sit around talking to your dipshit friends, girls aren't going to come to you.

[Murphy37]

I like to wear tight polyester pants, and I often get erections. Is that cool?

[Deputy Nutz]

I like to wear tight polyester pants, and I often get erections. Is that cool?

As long as you are at the right establishment, but I didn't know you were gay?

Seriously folks, if you are at a club and you actually get a woman to dance with you and it gets kinda dirty, be careful with the wood, it might actually turn the girl off. Have some control. Whacking it might not do it before you go out, that just helps to prolong intercourse if you get that far. Think about your mother naked, or baseball, or your naked mother playing third base for the Royals, but whatever you do, don't pop wood 2 minutes into the grind, it might be ok later in the night if she keeps rubbing on ya, that means she probably like the fact that you are sporting wood. My only question to you is why are you sill there at the club?

[Murphy37]

Ok, but what about the polyester?

[Deputy Nutz]

Ok, but what about the polyester?

Well this is dating advice not fabric advice. Polyester, isn't as sexy as it once was, I know I think it is bullshit as well. I guess if your wife likes it, or Buffalo Bill enjoys it thats all that matters.

[Murphy37]

What about pullin out your junk on the dance floor. Is that still cool? What should you pull out? The beans, or the frank? Do you play a little game of peek-a-boo? Or do you just leave it out like your trollin for walleyes?

[Deputy Nutz]

What about pullin out your junk on the dance floor. Is that still cool? What should you pull out? The beans, or the frank? Do you play a little game of peek-a-boo? Or do you just leave it out like your trollin for walleyes?

My advice to you is that you let her pull it out. If you do it then your just that typical pervert with his weiner hanging out. Now if you have a remarkable weiner then I say try it once or twice, depending on what type of club your at. Now I know that you and your wife are swingers and all, so what you do at your type of establishments is your own bag.

[Murphy37]

Well I got the giggles. That shit is just too funny. Ooops, bottles almost gone.

[Little Whiskey]

dear nutz, is it okay to show her your peace maker on the first date?

signed,

the smoking gun

[Deputy Nutz]

dear nutz, is it okay to show her your peace maker on the first date?

signed,

the smoking gun


Um no, unless it is a prostitute, but make sure that you have already sealed the deal with her. If you just hang your dick out the window while you drive by the corner, most likely your going to get some shit thrown at you or your going a mad as pimp chasing your ass down.

[Murphy37]

Seriously though, I'd be interested to know what the dating scene is like these days. I've been with the same wonderful gal so long, I'm beginning to forget about all the beautiful large breasted, long legged, flexible, large lipped, long haired, tightly shavin females that I once had relations with. Do chicks still put out these days? Or is it mostly handjobs and dry ridin'?

[Deputy Nutz]

Girls that are now in college grew up with Brittany Spears as their role model, along with all those other slutts dancing around, My estimated guess is that they put out a lot faster then the lovely prudes that we dated back in the day.

[HarveyWallbangers]

Left hand or right hand?

Doggy Style or the Jack Hammer?

Is it okay to use sex toys when you are spending the night with Rosie?

[Murphy37]

Girls that are now in college grew up with Brittany Spears as their role model, along with all those other slutts dancing around, My estimated guess is that they put out a lot faster then the lovely prudes that we dated back in the day.

Well, I grew up with Madonna, and 2 live Crew. So I don't buy that argument.

[Deputy Nutz]

Girls that are now in college grew up with Brittany Spears as their role model, along with all those other slutts dancing around, My estimated guess is that they put out a lot faster then the lovely prudes that we dated back in the day.

Well, I grew up with Madonna, and 2 live Crew. So I don't buy that argument.

Oh Madonna was the start of it, but she was the only one at the time to express her sex. Tell me how many girls you hung out with that owned a 2 Live Crew album? Go into a college bar, and you will see a different world, just by what these young ladies are wearing compared to what they were wearing in the late 90s. There is a big difference.

[Deputy Nutz]

Left hand or right hand?

Doggy Style or the Jack Hammer?

Is it okay to use sex toys when you are spending the night with Rosie?

Well ask the girl what she likes, communication is very important in a relationship and it shouldn't be ignored during sex, trust me it can make for a more interesting night.

I guess if you want to use a sex doll during sex, I guess it gives you good practice, makes it more realistic.

[RashanGary]

Dear Nutz,

Is it ok to get a drunken BJ from my hot 2nd cousin at the family reunion?

[Bossman641]

Girls that are now in college grew up with Brittany Spears as their role model, along with all those other slutts dancing around, My estimated guess is that they put out a lot faster then the lovely prudes that we dated back in the day.

Well, I grew up with Madonna, and 2 live Crew. So I don't buy that argument.

Oh Madonna was the start of it, but she was the only one at the time to express her sex. Tell me how many girls you hung out with that owned a 2 Live Crew album? Go into a college bar, and you will see a different world, just by what these young ladies are wearing compared to what they were wearing in the late 90s. There is a big difference.

As a college student, let me assure that girls are sluttier than ever. Always nteresting to see the hookups that occur around last call. Just have to be careful out there.

[Bossman641]

OK Nutz, let's say you're at a bar dancing with a nice young lady when all of a sudden her not-so-nice, ugly as hell friend comes up and tries to take her away. And let's say that none of your friends are willing to talk with tihs ass ugly girl while you try to finish the deal. What do you do?

[Deputy Nutz]

Dear Nutz,

Is it ok to get a drunken BJ from my hot 2nd cousin at the family reunion?

I am going to give ya a big no on that one, even though it is a bit tempting. Hopefully your second cousin has a friend, and any friend no matter what she looks like will do at that point, you don't want to wake up with your second cousin's head burried in your crotch.

[Deputy Nutz]

OK Nutz, let's say you're at a bar dancing with a nice young lady when all of a sudden her not-so-nice, ugly as hell friend comes up and tries to take her away. And let's say that none of your friends are willing to talk with tihs ass ugly girl while you try to finish the deal. What do you do?

You have to be super nice to her ugly ass friend. She is for sure a road block to your success, but now she is your challenge, you have your meal payed for, you put in the work on that delicious beauty that you were dancing with, now you just have to clear the place setting. Buy the friend a drink at the bar, if they want to leave because she is hungry, invite them over for pizza or whatever, play up to the friends needs. Maybe ask them back to your house because you have some bomb ass weed, or convince the ugly girl that you have a roommate that had to stay in and study. Whatever you do don't treat the friend like shit, the hottie your with knows her friend is a dog, but she wants her treated with a little respect. This respect will go a long way considering if your hookup last a bit longer. You don't want to have a pissed off nagging friend to deal with during your relationship with this lady.

[Fosco33]

Is there point to marrying someone if they both don't want children? How do you convince a friend, politely, to dump a chick non of guys like?

[Tarlam!]

Dear Nutz, I love your column and hope you can help me!

I am a no-hoper-bum-Aussie-Pack addict, married to a quaint Austrian girl. She says I should get a job, forget the Pack and sober up. Well, I got a job....But she wants the Grand Slam.

I'm not sure how I should gauge the sacrifice versus the reward. Do you have a nice scale that I could use as a measurement?

[HarveyWallbangers]

Never sacrifice the Pack!

[Deputy Nutz]

Is there point to marrying someone if they both don't want children? How do you convince a friend, politely, to dump a chick non of guys like?

Marriage isn't about kids. If you love someone and you both want a trustworthy loving union then why not get married.

If you ask a guy to dump his chick then he most likely will think that you are an asshole. In every group of guys at least on of the bastards hooks up with a girl that is a royal bitch. What can you do? Well I wouldn't say shit to him about your feelings, as long as you want to keep him as your friend. Here is what you can do, call him up and tell him about your wild weekend on how you met this totally hot ice dancer and got to hang out with all of her skating girl friends, and that you tried to call him but he wasn't home, or that you didn't call him because you didn't want to screw anything up with his relationship. Really lay it on thick, do this for about 8 weekends in a row, come up with incredible erotic stories that may or may not have happened. Hopefully he realizes how great it would be to be single again and hanging out with the guys.

[Deputy Nutz]

Dear Nutz, I love your column and hope you can help me!

I am a no-hoper-bum-Aussie-Pack addict, married to a quaint Austrian girl. She says I should get a job, forget the Pack and sober up. Well, I got a job....But she wants the Grand Slam.

I'm not sure how I should gauge the sacrifice versus the reward. Do you have a nice scale that I could use as a measurement?


Sacrifice verses reward? Tell her that you already married her and isn't that enough of a sacrifice.

Austrians are hard working people, I think you fucked yourself.

Give up the drink, no reason to get sloshed in front of the family, and if your not then how does she know your drinking? If your going out to the bar after work and spending time away from the family, then do your drinking at home instead. Maybe she will realize that it is better for you to do your drinking some where else.

My only other advice to you since this is a dating column and not a marriage advice column is for your to give a little to get a little. Do some kind of bullshit around the house, take the kids to a park for the day, do some shoping with the wife. Then she might relax with your habits.

[Fosco33]

Is there point to marrying someone if they both don't want children? How do you convince a friend, politely, to dump a chick non of guys like?

Marriage isn't about kids. If you love someone and you both want a trustworthy loving union then why not get married.

I disagree - you're saying you can't have a long lasting, loving, trust filled relationship w/o signing a piece of paper or buying a piece of metal. 50% of marriages end in divorce - most unhappily. Some people need that - not me.

Regarding my buddy, I wish I could make up those stories but I've been with my lady friend for 3.5 years. He knows how everyone feels about this chick b/c he's dumped her before (at which time the gloves came off). Now, he's moved and basically with her 24 hrs. She's a manipulative, unhappy person and he's confused. Unfortunately, I think he's getting ready to ruin his life this fall.

[Deputy Nutz]

Is there point to marrying someone if they both don't want children? How do you convince a friend, politely, to dump a chick non of guys like?

Marriage isn't about kids. If you love someone and you both want a trustworthy loving union then why not get married.

I disagree - you're saying you can't have a long lasting, loving, trust filled relationship w/o signing a piece of paper or buying a piece of metal. 50% of marriages end in divorce - most unhappily. Some people need that - not me.

Regarding my buddy, I wish I could make up those stories but I've been with my lady friend for 3.5 years. He knows how everyone feels about this chick b/c he's dumped her before (at which time the gloves came off). Now, he's moved and basically with her 24 hrs. She's a manipulative, unhappy person and he's confused. Unfortunately, I think he's getting ready to ruin his life this fall.

Why not give me all the details right away? I mean christ you ask me a generic question you get a generic response.

Your friend is a lost cause, you might as well have a funeral for him.
If you don't want to get married don't, it is that simple. It is a lot easier to fuck someone over when your not married to them.

[Scott Campbell]

Dear Nutz,

Bear with me as this is a 25 year old question, and I want to see if I handled it right. See, I met this girl and she was awesome - a complete stunner, and totally committed to making my sexual gratification her number 1 priority in life. We had been dating for a couple of weeks when she admitted to me that she was a Bear fan.

What should I have done?

[Deputy Nutz]

Dear Nutz,

Bear with me as this is a 25 year old question, and I want to see if I handled it right. See, I met this girl and she was awesome - a complete stunner, and totally committed to making my sexual gratification her number 1 priority in life. We had been dating for a couple of weeks when she admitted to me that she was a Bear fan.

What should I have done?

Well dating a woman that has different interest or that my root for a different sports team can certainly put a strain on a relationship. The Packers and Bears rivalry is serious business, so in turn you should make it serious business in your relationship. You must have two different viewing rooms for sports. You can't watch a Packer game with a Bears fan, and visa versa. When the week comes that the Bears play the Packers, it is time to make a serious wager with this lady that will be paid off in the bed room. You can have your cake and eat it too. And remember she is still a woman and she can't be that manical about football or the Bears as any of us are. She might just root for them because he dad did.

Then again remember this, she will get old, she might get fat, and she might get wrinkles, her boobs will start to sag, she is a Bears fan, which means the odds of her cheating on you are quite good. The Packers will always be there, they will never get old, and they will never leave.

Sex can get old if it is the same old song and dance, but if she was determined to keep your eyes buldging out of your head, and keeps you thinking whats is next in the bed room, or in the park down the steet, or in the bathroom floor of the 7/11 then you might want to hold on to her for a while. If she is bringing her college roomates over and into the bedroom, or she is the one going to the porn shop for little extras in the bedroom then who gives a fuck if her dad is the fucking head coach of the Chicago Bears?

[Patler]

Dear Nutz,

Is it ok to get a drunken BJ from my hot 2nd cousin at the family reunion?

I am going to give ya a big no on that one, even though it is a bit tempting. Hopefully your second cousin has a friend, and any friend no matter what she looks like will do at that point, you don't want to wake up with your second cousin's head burried in your crotch.

Dear Nutz;

Does it make a difference if the second cousin he mentioned was a guy?

[MJZiggy]

And remember she is still a woman and she can't be that manical about football or the Bears as any of us are.

Ahem...Can't?

[Partial]

What is the best method of pleasuring a women post date?

[Deputy Nutz]

What is the best method of pleasuring a women post date?

What the fuck does "post date" mean?

[Partial]

after the dinner and movie.

[RashanGary]

after the dinner and movie.

Post date = Main event damn it....

[Deputy Nutz]

What is the best method of pleasuring a women post date?

Well don't force yourself on her. If this is the first date, lay off, if you went to a dinner and a movie neither one of you are drunk enough to throw caution to the wind. So take it slow, maybe ask her back to your place for coffee and maybe another movie, or if you take her back to her house let her invite you in.

If you have been dating for a while or you manage to get early entry the easiest way to pleasuring a woman is by communication. talk to her make her tell you what she wants, usually when you just guess you fuck up and disappoint her. Ask her what she likes. I am telling all that will listen, the simpliest way to making a woman happy in all aspects of her live is just communicating.

Most woman enjoy the man to go down on them. Again ask her if she likes this, ask her every now and then if your hitting the right spot, or if she is doing ok. The main thing is to pay attention to the little man in the boat, there is no reason to stick your tongue inside her vagina, for godsakes, put your pointer finger in there and don't treat the vagina like your picking your nose, your not searching for anything! You're stroking, when you finally hit the right spot she will let you know with her breathing and whimpering. You make a woman come while going down on her, she will let you do what ever you want next.

[CyclonePackFan]

Dear Nutz,

buttsecks?

[Deputy Nutz]

Dear Nutz,

buttsecks?

Anal Sex is another way to show someone you love them. Most women are really afraid of anal intercourse. If you really want to stick your dick into a lady's rectum, then you need to follow some steps here.

1st float the question out there, if she is totally disgusted with the idea and threatens to cut your dick off if you would ever go near her asshole, then maybe you should back off. If she shows the smallest interest in the idea thats great but don't push it.

2. If the lady showed mild interest in anal sex then you can move on to this step. The next time you go down on this lady do everything you normally would but about half way into oral sex use one of your fingers that is not currently inside her vagina, and masage the area between the vagina and the asshole. Just don't go jamming a finger up her A-hole, it will startle her and probably ruin the moment. IF she is showing that she is uncomfortable with this step than stop and consentrate on the vagina.

3. If your girlfriend or lady friend is getting turned by your finger dance, then start moving closer to the A-hole, massage the A-hole, and the area around it, again just don't jam a finger in there, you have to ease it in and relax her to the sensation.

4. By this time she should be ready for you to place your finger in her rectum. Again you should be doing this when your giving her oral pleasure. You should still be concentrating on her vagina with your mouth, and if your are using both hands. So when you are fingering her rectum, you need to ease the finger in there, don't wiggle it around ease it in and out. Remember your not digging a hole with your finger, there is simply no need to ram your finger as far as it possible can go. She won't like this especially the first time.

5. After you have done this several of times, she should be comfortable with things entering her rectum. She still may not be willing to accept your penis into her asshole, but your making progress. Keep talking to her about it, especially during sex, or fore play. If you all aren't at least talking dirty, then I don't know if your going to be ready for anal sex.

Now you might meet a total freak, and you could be banging that ass during the first sexual encounter, but that rarely happens outside of Penthouse Letters.

[RashanGary]

Good advice Nutz....

A little graphic, but very good instruction.

[RashanGary]

Good points with the massage method as opposed to the ram it and jam it method. It is much more subtle and feels sexy to her as opposed to just ramming something in there.

I also would like to add that you have to make her comfortable about the fact that it could be mildly messy. It rarely is unless she has an anus full of poop and really should be taking a shit and not having butt sex, but she's usually smart enough not to let you go near unless you are so clever and witty that you convince her anyway and that is your own damn fault you witty bastard. I do think making her comfortable and not being a picky little queer about things helps. If she feels gross about her poop filled ass and doesn't want another person putting anything in there, she is pretty normal. You have to let her know that you don't mind her poop, that even her poop is somehow sexy. When she feels comfortable and non-disgusting about it, she'll do it because trust me...she wants it just as bad as you but she just doesn't want the embarassement of her poopy on your dicky. To me this is the biggest barrier.

Sorry Nutz...I had to add to this......It is too funny.

[RashanGary]

If I could give one piece of advice for your sex life that is what I refer to now as "the gift that keeps on giving" I would say purchase her the book titled "tickle his pickle" by Sadie something or other.

Once she knows exactly what she is supposed to be doing, her attitude about giving oral goes from complete chore to fun for both. She likes having the ability to give you extreme pleasure. And you like getting BJ's so it's good for everyone.

My wife bought that book as a birthday gift for me. Holy shit......"the gift that keeps on giving" is still giving today. Well last night was the last time anyway. GET THE BOOK. There is no way you can regret it, and its' even fun for her becuase women like to be the pleasure bringers.

[Deputy Nutz]

Ok everyone lets just look past that whole poop thing in the anus, infact you should probably bring a baby wipe or begin your anal adventure in the shower, or bathtub.

If you have already gone down on this lady friend of yours you know if she keeps proper hygene below the belt. If she smells like a bulldog's fart, then you probably don't want to be messing with no anal sex. She might shit all over you and boy, wouldn't both of you be embarrassed and disgusted.

Once again, I field the questions, and you ask them people. I know you all can't be happily married, and god knows if your not married and your on this forum half as much as I am, you must not be getting any.

[Chester Marcol]

How long should you be dating before it's okay to laugh when your girlfreind queefs?

[SkinBasket]

Well?

[3irty1]

This is one hell of an excavation.

[mraynrand]

This is one hell of an excavation.

Maybe so, maybe not - it depends on how she feels about it. And aren't you proud.

[Freak Out]

Hot soapy enemas go hand in hand with anal sex. Keep it irrigated and clean before plowing ahead.

[mraynrand]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVcniAcWg0Q

[KYPack]

Thatta boy, Nutz.

Hitter in the shitter.

[Deputy Nutz]

How long should you be dating before it's okay to laugh when your girlfreind queefs?

Chester, I know you are no longer a forum participant but that doesn't mean I should let a question like this go unanswered for such a long time.

Usually when a chick queefs it is because you have been wrecking her pussy with your digits, dick, or toy. You are building up air in her fuckhole and that air has to come out. My advice is that if you like playing with it, don't laugh unless she laughs.

[Deputy Nutz]

Hot soapy enemas go hand in hand with anal sex. Keep it irrigated and clean before plowing ahead.

That sort of takes the mystery out of it.

[woodbuck27]

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/uE7ZkZADZwI/maxresdefault.jpg

Yaaooooghh ........ Now I know what to do