Fritz
05-29-2009, 09:24 AM
After reading about Kampman not talking with the media, Driver not attending OTA's because he wants some security, and Collins being ambivalent about why he hasn't been attending, I think some group therapy is in order.
I see Tony Soprano's psychiatrist (who is unrelentingly hot, by the way) running this thing. Even she can counsel a mobster, she can handle some pro athletes.
Therapist: Okay, Don, let's start with you. Your agent says it's not about the money, yet you're not attending OTA's as you have in the past. So what's going on?
Driver: It's about respect, man. I know I make good money, but I'd like to play for five years more. I keep myself in great shape, so I know I can do it. But the Packers haven't said a peep about an extension.
Therapist: So your not attending OTA's is a message to Ted Thompson.
Driver: Exactly.
Therapist: That's a little passive/aggressive, Donald. Why didn't you just go see Ted and ask him for an extension.
Driver: I shouldn't have teo ask. Man, Ted sidled up to Al Harris a couple years ago and told him they'd re-do his deal. Al didn't have to ask.
Therapist: This isn't about Al, Donald. I really think you need to work on telling people what you want. Like that one guy in your profession who wrote that book called I Want the Damn Ball. See how clear he was about his expectations?
Driver: I guess I'm feeling insecure about my place. They have all these young guys, and I feel like I don't fit in any more.
Kampman: Hey, I know how that feels. I mean, I worked so hard to get where I am - I was only a fifth round pick, y'know -
Driver: Dude, I was a seventh. How hard you think I worked?
Therapist: Boys, come on now. Go ahead, Aaron.
Kampman: So I worked hard to get where I am, and now they go changing everything on me!
Therapist: They moved your cheese, huh? Hah hah. "Moved your cheese." Get it? Packers, cheesheads, the self-help book? Funny.
Kampman goes silent. He looks down at the floor.
Therapist: I'm sorry, Aaron. I interrupted. Go ahead.
Kampman refuses to look at her.
Therapist: Really, Aaron, I shouldn't have interrupted - nor should Donald have. We're listening. Really.
Driver: I'm all ears, Aaron. Really. Look at the pictures of me. Go ahead, man.
Kampman (still looking at the floor): Well, it's just that I'm used to doing things a certain way. And I thought I was pretty good. And now they want me to change everything. They . . . they said I'd be good, but I don't know. I mean, I'm not a kid any more. It's not easy for me to change.
I'm thinking of asking the team to go back to the 4-3 or else I might not play any more.
Therapist: And how does your wife feel about such a bold move, Aaron?
Kampman's downturned face blushes furiously.
Therapist: She . . . she thinks it's a bad idea. She says that my need for things to be the same way all the time is hurting our marriage.
Therapist: How so, Aaron?
Kampman: Well . . . she says that when we - I don't know how to say this - when we, you know . . .
Driver: Make love? Do the nasty? Copulate? Do the ol' in-out-in-out?
Therapist: Please, Donald.
Driver. Sorry. Just trying to help.
Kampman: Well, when we do that thing, she says it's always the same, and she's getting tired of it. But I'm afraid to change. It took me years of practice to do what I can do with her. What if I'm not good at doing it any other way?
Therapist (gently): So this is about more than football, isn't it
Kampman breaks down, sobbing.
Therapist: It really is about more than football - for both of you. Donald, your own insecurities - growing up on the mean streets of Houston, running drugs. Unsure of whether you're valued for who you are as a person, or just for what you can do for other people - I mean, are women hitting on you because you're awesome, or because you're rich? Or do they just want to find out if it's true about black men? These questions have created doubt for you, too.
A tear trickles down Driver's cheek. He sniffs.
Therapist: Is that it, Donald?
Driver bawls suddenly, a large snot bubble bursts from his nose.
Driver: I'm scared! I'm scared, Adrian!
Therapist (as both men sob like babies): I think we've had a real breakthrough here today, guys. A real breakthrough.
I see Tony Soprano's psychiatrist (who is unrelentingly hot, by the way) running this thing. Even she can counsel a mobster, she can handle some pro athletes.
Therapist: Okay, Don, let's start with you. Your agent says it's not about the money, yet you're not attending OTA's as you have in the past. So what's going on?
Driver: It's about respect, man. I know I make good money, but I'd like to play for five years more. I keep myself in great shape, so I know I can do it. But the Packers haven't said a peep about an extension.
Therapist: So your not attending OTA's is a message to Ted Thompson.
Driver: Exactly.
Therapist: That's a little passive/aggressive, Donald. Why didn't you just go see Ted and ask him for an extension.
Driver: I shouldn't have teo ask. Man, Ted sidled up to Al Harris a couple years ago and told him they'd re-do his deal. Al didn't have to ask.
Therapist: This isn't about Al, Donald. I really think you need to work on telling people what you want. Like that one guy in your profession who wrote that book called I Want the Damn Ball. See how clear he was about his expectations?
Driver: I guess I'm feeling insecure about my place. They have all these young guys, and I feel like I don't fit in any more.
Kampman: Hey, I know how that feels. I mean, I worked so hard to get where I am - I was only a fifth round pick, y'know -
Driver: Dude, I was a seventh. How hard you think I worked?
Therapist: Boys, come on now. Go ahead, Aaron.
Kampman: So I worked hard to get where I am, and now they go changing everything on me!
Therapist: They moved your cheese, huh? Hah hah. "Moved your cheese." Get it? Packers, cheesheads, the self-help book? Funny.
Kampman goes silent. He looks down at the floor.
Therapist: I'm sorry, Aaron. I interrupted. Go ahead.
Kampman refuses to look at her.
Therapist: Really, Aaron, I shouldn't have interrupted - nor should Donald have. We're listening. Really.
Driver: I'm all ears, Aaron. Really. Look at the pictures of me. Go ahead, man.
Kampman (still looking at the floor): Well, it's just that I'm used to doing things a certain way. And I thought I was pretty good. And now they want me to change everything. They . . . they said I'd be good, but I don't know. I mean, I'm not a kid any more. It's not easy for me to change.
I'm thinking of asking the team to go back to the 4-3 or else I might not play any more.
Therapist: And how does your wife feel about such a bold move, Aaron?
Kampman's downturned face blushes furiously.
Therapist: She . . . she thinks it's a bad idea. She says that my need for things to be the same way all the time is hurting our marriage.
Therapist: How so, Aaron?
Kampman: Well . . . she says that when we - I don't know how to say this - when we, you know . . .
Driver: Make love? Do the nasty? Copulate? Do the ol' in-out-in-out?
Therapist: Please, Donald.
Driver. Sorry. Just trying to help.
Kampman: Well, when we do that thing, she says it's always the same, and she's getting tired of it. But I'm afraid to change. It took me years of practice to do what I can do with her. What if I'm not good at doing it any other way?
Therapist (gently): So this is about more than football, isn't it
Kampman breaks down, sobbing.
Therapist: It really is about more than football - for both of you. Donald, your own insecurities - growing up on the mean streets of Houston, running drugs. Unsure of whether you're valued for who you are as a person, or just for what you can do for other people - I mean, are women hitting on you because you're awesome, or because you're rich? Or do they just want to find out if it's true about black men? These questions have created doubt for you, too.
A tear trickles down Driver's cheek. He sniffs.
Therapist: Is that it, Donald?
Driver bawls suddenly, a large snot bubble bursts from his nose.
Driver: I'm scared! I'm scared, Adrian!
Therapist (as both men sob like babies): I think we've had a real breakthrough here today, guys. A real breakthrough.