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08-30-2009, 09:28 AM
Tanier is a football writer for the Football Outsiders website and Pro Football Prospectus/Almanac
27 Aug 2009
Walkthrough: Exhibitionist's Song (http://www.footballoutsiders.com/walkthrough/2009/walkthrough-exhibitionists-song)
by Mike Tanier
On Monday, August 24th, I watched preseason football games from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m., breaking only for dinner. I watched the NFL Network replays, commercials and all, then watched the ESPN telecast of Jets-Ravens. This is my story:
7:00 a.m.: First game: Bills at Packers. Kevin Harlan and Rich Gannon make the call. After a two-minute pregame show, I watch my first commercials of the day: Courtyard at Marriot and eHarmony.com. I feel like meeting my soulmate and taking her to a hotel.
7:05 a.m.: First kickoff. Mason Crosby kicks it two yards deep, Leodis McKelvin takes it to the 18. The Bills still aren't huddling. The Bills' offensive line doesn't look bad yet.
7:08 a.m.: Tip-drill interception by Brady Poppinga. Now the Bills' offensive line looks bad. On the sidelines, Mike McCarthy carries a sharpie in the back band of his baseball cap. Decorative and useful.
7:27 a.m.: B.J. Raji enters game and ... drops into coverage? The new Packers' 3-4 defense looks great. Aaron Kampman looks confident when dropping into coverage. Charles Woodson has blitzed twice. The Packers just ran an overload blitz, something they didn't do much last year. You can tell Dom Capers is calling the plays. The Packers defense dominated the Browns in Week 1 and are controlling the Bills. Can’t wait to see what they do against an NFL offensive line.
7:31 a.m.: Sideline reporter Jessie Garcia is ... let's go with "plain." She introduces a segment with Aaron Rodgers and some other Packers having a guitar jam session. Rodgers is forming a record label called Suspended Sunrise. Groovy. Sounds like Roger Goodell on a power trip.
7:35 a.m.: Lovely back shoulder pass to Donald Driver on the right sideline, then a touchdown. It's 14-0, and Rodgers can suspend all the sunrises he wants with throws like that.
7:42 a.m.: What does the mom in the Febreeze commercial smell on those curtains? Smoke? Should she have the kid drug tested? Is it really a good idea to let him have two girls in his bedroom? I think she is helping her son clean up for a pot-fueled menage a trois. I may be reading too much into this ad.
7:52 a.m.: It's 21-0 Packers after a scramble-and-throw from Rodgers to Driver. Rich Gannon thinks that Dick Jauron is "sick to his stomach." Could be worse: He could have to deal with Terrell Owens... Oh, right.
8:02 a.m.: Brian Brohm enters the game and has a ball batted back in his face. Brohm's glove is strapped to his belt: He's not allowed to wear it after it caused him problems in Cleveland. So now it looks like he has an udder.
8:09 a.m.: Here comes Ryan Fitzpatrick! If you are going to go no-huddle all the time, it helps to have quarterbacks from Stanford and Harvard. A good tackle by the "ever present" (according to Harlan) Desmond Bishop. The Packers are still corner blitzing, the Bills still foundering. An on-screen ad appears: "Eat like the Packers at Curly's Pub." I don't want to eat like B.J. Raji. A kid named Spencer Havnet is playing fullback, tight end, and linebacker for the Packers.
8:19 a.m.: Brohm overthrows a receiver by ten feet, leading to an interception. The Green Bay defense comes on the field, and rookie cornerback Brandon Underwood appears to be 13 years old and weigh 104 pounds. Fitzpatrick fumbles. Bishop makes the play; he really is ever-present.
8:26 a.m.: It's 24-0 Packers at halftime. The Packers are wearing yellow wool hats on the sidelines. August in Wisconsin.
8:32 a.m.: Havner catches two straight short passes. The announcers state for a third time that he plays linebacker, fullback, and tight end. The Packers punt, and gunner Rick Swayne crushes the punt returner a full second before the ball arrives.
8:42 a.m.: A tight end named Jonathan Stupar traps a reception, and there's a long review. The band 3 Doors Down now makes background music for Geico Caveman ads. Maybe Suspended Sunshine Records will pick them up. You can see dirt fly up on the replay, but Walt Coleman says it's a catch. Amazingly, there are still tons of Packers fans at the 24-0 preseason game. And they are ticked about the call.
8:46 a.m.: Desmond Bishop interception! Lateral! Penalty! Kill me! Underwood hurts his eye and must visit his pediatrician.
9:01 a.m.: The Bills are threatening. Harlan does a great job of updating the changes in the Packers defense: He's tracking all the Cyril Obiozor and Danny Lansanah types as they come and go. Touchdown, Bills! Fitzpatrick to Stupar: the first points allowed by the Packers in the preseason.
9:07 a.m.: Here comes Matt Flynn! Gannon says Flynn has beaten Brohm for the No. 2 quarterback job. From what I've seen, I believe him. Jessie Garcia interviews Aaron Kampman. An auto repair insurance ad: the one with the guy who looks like Dhani Jones winking creepily at a mechanic.
9:13 a.m.: Here comes Gibran Hamdan! He throws to Xavier Oman. Harlan is still introducing every Packers fourth string safety like they are ushers at his wedding. A woman is dancing with a cheese bra. Flynn just fumbled, and he's grabbing his arm. Here comes Brohm again! Attention Packers: Please get a real backup quarterback. Thank you.
9:20 a.m.: Havner is playing linebacker. The announcers can't get enough of him.
9:38 a.m.: Dane Randolph, a right tackle, makes a great block on a touchdown run by Tyrell Sutton. Randolph is a blogger for the Washington Post. He wants to go skeet shooting with Packers fans. His mother is a naval cryptologist. If you need any more information, contact his stalker, Jessie Garcia.
9:55 a.m.: Game One over. Four to go.
27 Aug 2009
Walkthrough: Exhibitionist's Song (http://www.footballoutsiders.com/walkthrough/2009/walkthrough-exhibitionists-song)
by Mike Tanier
On Monday, August 24th, I watched preseason football games from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m., breaking only for dinner. I watched the NFL Network replays, commercials and all, then watched the ESPN telecast of Jets-Ravens. This is my story:
7:00 a.m.: First game: Bills at Packers. Kevin Harlan and Rich Gannon make the call. After a two-minute pregame show, I watch my first commercials of the day: Courtyard at Marriot and eHarmony.com. I feel like meeting my soulmate and taking her to a hotel.
7:05 a.m.: First kickoff. Mason Crosby kicks it two yards deep, Leodis McKelvin takes it to the 18. The Bills still aren't huddling. The Bills' offensive line doesn't look bad yet.
7:08 a.m.: Tip-drill interception by Brady Poppinga. Now the Bills' offensive line looks bad. On the sidelines, Mike McCarthy carries a sharpie in the back band of his baseball cap. Decorative and useful.
7:27 a.m.: B.J. Raji enters game and ... drops into coverage? The new Packers' 3-4 defense looks great. Aaron Kampman looks confident when dropping into coverage. Charles Woodson has blitzed twice. The Packers just ran an overload blitz, something they didn't do much last year. You can tell Dom Capers is calling the plays. The Packers defense dominated the Browns in Week 1 and are controlling the Bills. Can’t wait to see what they do against an NFL offensive line.
7:31 a.m.: Sideline reporter Jessie Garcia is ... let's go with "plain." She introduces a segment with Aaron Rodgers and some other Packers having a guitar jam session. Rodgers is forming a record label called Suspended Sunrise. Groovy. Sounds like Roger Goodell on a power trip.
7:35 a.m.: Lovely back shoulder pass to Donald Driver on the right sideline, then a touchdown. It's 14-0, and Rodgers can suspend all the sunrises he wants with throws like that.
7:42 a.m.: What does the mom in the Febreeze commercial smell on those curtains? Smoke? Should she have the kid drug tested? Is it really a good idea to let him have two girls in his bedroom? I think she is helping her son clean up for a pot-fueled menage a trois. I may be reading too much into this ad.
7:52 a.m.: It's 21-0 Packers after a scramble-and-throw from Rodgers to Driver. Rich Gannon thinks that Dick Jauron is "sick to his stomach." Could be worse: He could have to deal with Terrell Owens... Oh, right.
8:02 a.m.: Brian Brohm enters the game and has a ball batted back in his face. Brohm's glove is strapped to his belt: He's not allowed to wear it after it caused him problems in Cleveland. So now it looks like he has an udder.
8:09 a.m.: Here comes Ryan Fitzpatrick! If you are going to go no-huddle all the time, it helps to have quarterbacks from Stanford and Harvard. A good tackle by the "ever present" (according to Harlan) Desmond Bishop. The Packers are still corner blitzing, the Bills still foundering. An on-screen ad appears: "Eat like the Packers at Curly's Pub." I don't want to eat like B.J. Raji. A kid named Spencer Havnet is playing fullback, tight end, and linebacker for the Packers.
8:19 a.m.: Brohm overthrows a receiver by ten feet, leading to an interception. The Green Bay defense comes on the field, and rookie cornerback Brandon Underwood appears to be 13 years old and weigh 104 pounds. Fitzpatrick fumbles. Bishop makes the play; he really is ever-present.
8:26 a.m.: It's 24-0 Packers at halftime. The Packers are wearing yellow wool hats on the sidelines. August in Wisconsin.
8:32 a.m.: Havner catches two straight short passes. The announcers state for a third time that he plays linebacker, fullback, and tight end. The Packers punt, and gunner Rick Swayne crushes the punt returner a full second before the ball arrives.
8:42 a.m.: A tight end named Jonathan Stupar traps a reception, and there's a long review. The band 3 Doors Down now makes background music for Geico Caveman ads. Maybe Suspended Sunshine Records will pick them up. You can see dirt fly up on the replay, but Walt Coleman says it's a catch. Amazingly, there are still tons of Packers fans at the 24-0 preseason game. And they are ticked about the call.
8:46 a.m.: Desmond Bishop interception! Lateral! Penalty! Kill me! Underwood hurts his eye and must visit his pediatrician.
9:01 a.m.: The Bills are threatening. Harlan does a great job of updating the changes in the Packers defense: He's tracking all the Cyril Obiozor and Danny Lansanah types as they come and go. Touchdown, Bills! Fitzpatrick to Stupar: the first points allowed by the Packers in the preseason.
9:07 a.m.: Here comes Matt Flynn! Gannon says Flynn has beaten Brohm for the No. 2 quarterback job. From what I've seen, I believe him. Jessie Garcia interviews Aaron Kampman. An auto repair insurance ad: the one with the guy who looks like Dhani Jones winking creepily at a mechanic.
9:13 a.m.: Here comes Gibran Hamdan! He throws to Xavier Oman. Harlan is still introducing every Packers fourth string safety like they are ushers at his wedding. A woman is dancing with a cheese bra. Flynn just fumbled, and he's grabbing his arm. Here comes Brohm again! Attention Packers: Please get a real backup quarterback. Thank you.
9:20 a.m.: Havner is playing linebacker. The announcers can't get enough of him.
9:38 a.m.: Dane Randolph, a right tackle, makes a great block on a touchdown run by Tyrell Sutton. Randolph is a blogger for the Washington Post. He wants to go skeet shooting with Packers fans. His mother is a naval cryptologist. If you need any more information, contact his stalker, Jessie Garcia.
9:55 a.m.: Game One over. Four to go.