Cleft Crusty
12-21-2013, 10:55 AM
Week 16 in the NFL
Staggering into week 16 of the NFL season are a lot of imperfect NFL teams. There may be a lot of “want to” in NFL locker rooms, but there’s a lot of “can’t do” on depleted NFL rosters.
Dolphins at Bills – Dolphins need to keep winning which means they will do everything in their power to lose. Bills are primed to lose big, with Thad Lewis returning to start and nothing to play for, except the crazed home fans in their Neolithic stadium. Pick: Dolphins win very ugly, on a Sherman fourth-and-one call.
Saints at Panthers – Saints are swooning, and are on the road, out of doors, so you should pick Carolina. But the Saints are so talented and resilient. The game will be decided by a simple psychological factor: will the Panthers be overwhelmed by the largeness of the game? Everything is in front of them: NFC south title, home field advantage, a playoff bye. Pick: Cam can do it
Cowboys at Redskins – Shanahan will pull the old Denver offense out of mothballs to accommodate Kirk Cousins. Over under on roll out passes to the TE is 7. Cowboys need this game desperately, but have a defense worse than Iraq during Desert Storm. Cowboys have an offense that can outscore Redskins. Pick: Jerry will visit the sidelines, but Cowboys prevail
Colts at Chiefs – Chiefs skill players will run all over Colts underwhelming defense. Control Mathis and the rest falls into place. Problem is that the Chiefs are beat up themselves. Pick: Chiefs make fewer mistakes and Charles runs all over the place
Bucs at Rams – Two teams left for dead after major issues at QB are playing spirited football late in lost seasons. Rams are building a dominant defense. Pick: Rams
Cards at Seahawks – Cards have put themselves in a position to accomplish big things and can compete for a wildcard. Unfortunately for them, Carson Palmer wilts in big games. And they are at Seattle. This one could get ugly. Pick: Seattle
Steelers at Packers – Steelers don’t quit. Roethlisberger doesn’t quit, even when someone says “No.” Matt Fynn can direct a motley crew for a lot of points against a practice squad defense (Dallas) but not against LeBeau. Tomlin will have a game low zero tackles and McCarthy will wish Rodgers got milk as a kid. Pick: Steelers
Bears at Eagles – Eagles will want to win coming off an awful showing in Minnesota, and have to keep pace with Dallas for next week's showdown. Chicago knows they only need to beat the Packers next week to win the division. Pick: Eagles in a high scoring sloppy game.
Browns at Jets – Does anyone care who wins this game? The winner just gets a lower pick in the draft. Both teams have absurd situations at QB, decent defenses, but Cleveland’s defense has fourth quarter collapses down to a fine art. Packer fans are hoping for a Cleveland win to increase the chances that Rex Ryan will be available for Defensive Coordinator. Pick: Jets by a foot
Vikings at Bengals – Bengals can’t deal with success. Viking seem to be relaxed and enjoying this season’s failure. Marvin Lewis seems to really enjoy watching his team choke seasons away. Still, Bengals are the superior team. In a “where is my glass jawed punter?” special, Pick: Bengals
Broncos at Texans – There really ought to be no drama in this game, except that the Texans are starting to panic, thinking that they might have first choice at Jadeveon Clowney. Is he the real deal? Will he play every down? Will he blow up in their faces? Should they trade down? Maybe life would be simpler if they just win a few down the stretch and get the #2 pick. Oh, wait, they suck. Pick: Denver
Titans at Jaguars – Titans have already decided to completely blow up their team in the offseason, so why not start early? Jaguars have been playing better of late. Pick: Spotted felines
Giants at Lions - Can the Lions seriously lose to this depressed bunch playing out the string? Sure they can. But they won’t. Pick: Lions
Patriots at Ravens – New England keeps winning with smoke and mirrors and Tom Brady. Ravens are a scoring machine, but the machine is only turning out FGs. Over under on attempted FGs is 10. Overunder on yawns is 12. Pick: In a gimpy knee QB special, Ravens by a FG.
Raiders at Chargers – Raiders are playing for their coach’s job. Raiders don’t like their Coach, but they don’t like the Chargers either. McFadden returns but Matthews and the Charger offense is better. Over-under on tackles refused by Charles Woodson: 6. Pick: Bolts
Falcons at Niners – Seriously? Sometimes a forfeit is the merciful thing to do. Good bye Candlestick. Best thing about the place is that it never collapsed from the earthquake damage. Worst thing about the demolition: The site for “The Catch” gets paved over and becomes a back corner office in a corrugated warehouse. Ahh, the memories. Pick: Niners
Staggering into week 16 of the NFL season are a lot of imperfect NFL teams. There may be a lot of “want to” in NFL locker rooms, but there’s a lot of “can’t do” on depleted NFL rosters.
Dolphins at Bills – Dolphins need to keep winning which means they will do everything in their power to lose. Bills are primed to lose big, with Thad Lewis returning to start and nothing to play for, except the crazed home fans in their Neolithic stadium. Pick: Dolphins win very ugly, on a Sherman fourth-and-one call.
Saints at Panthers – Saints are swooning, and are on the road, out of doors, so you should pick Carolina. But the Saints are so talented and resilient. The game will be decided by a simple psychological factor: will the Panthers be overwhelmed by the largeness of the game? Everything is in front of them: NFC south title, home field advantage, a playoff bye. Pick: Cam can do it
Cowboys at Redskins – Shanahan will pull the old Denver offense out of mothballs to accommodate Kirk Cousins. Over under on roll out passes to the TE is 7. Cowboys need this game desperately, but have a defense worse than Iraq during Desert Storm. Cowboys have an offense that can outscore Redskins. Pick: Jerry will visit the sidelines, but Cowboys prevail
Colts at Chiefs – Chiefs skill players will run all over Colts underwhelming defense. Control Mathis and the rest falls into place. Problem is that the Chiefs are beat up themselves. Pick: Chiefs make fewer mistakes and Charles runs all over the place
Bucs at Rams – Two teams left for dead after major issues at QB are playing spirited football late in lost seasons. Rams are building a dominant defense. Pick: Rams
Cards at Seahawks – Cards have put themselves in a position to accomplish big things and can compete for a wildcard. Unfortunately for them, Carson Palmer wilts in big games. And they are at Seattle. This one could get ugly. Pick: Seattle
Steelers at Packers – Steelers don’t quit. Roethlisberger doesn’t quit, even when someone says “No.” Matt Fynn can direct a motley crew for a lot of points against a practice squad defense (Dallas) but not against LeBeau. Tomlin will have a game low zero tackles and McCarthy will wish Rodgers got milk as a kid. Pick: Steelers
Bears at Eagles – Eagles will want to win coming off an awful showing in Minnesota, and have to keep pace with Dallas for next week's showdown. Chicago knows they only need to beat the Packers next week to win the division. Pick: Eagles in a high scoring sloppy game.
Browns at Jets – Does anyone care who wins this game? The winner just gets a lower pick in the draft. Both teams have absurd situations at QB, decent defenses, but Cleveland’s defense has fourth quarter collapses down to a fine art. Packer fans are hoping for a Cleveland win to increase the chances that Rex Ryan will be available for Defensive Coordinator. Pick: Jets by a foot
Vikings at Bengals – Bengals can’t deal with success. Viking seem to be relaxed and enjoying this season’s failure. Marvin Lewis seems to really enjoy watching his team choke seasons away. Still, Bengals are the superior team. In a “where is my glass jawed punter?” special, Pick: Bengals
Broncos at Texans – There really ought to be no drama in this game, except that the Texans are starting to panic, thinking that they might have first choice at Jadeveon Clowney. Is he the real deal? Will he play every down? Will he blow up in their faces? Should they trade down? Maybe life would be simpler if they just win a few down the stretch and get the #2 pick. Oh, wait, they suck. Pick: Denver
Titans at Jaguars – Titans have already decided to completely blow up their team in the offseason, so why not start early? Jaguars have been playing better of late. Pick: Spotted felines
Giants at Lions - Can the Lions seriously lose to this depressed bunch playing out the string? Sure they can. But they won’t. Pick: Lions
Patriots at Ravens – New England keeps winning with smoke and mirrors and Tom Brady. Ravens are a scoring machine, but the machine is only turning out FGs. Over under on attempted FGs is 10. Overunder on yawns is 12. Pick: In a gimpy knee QB special, Ravens by a FG.
Raiders at Chargers – Raiders are playing for their coach’s job. Raiders don’t like their Coach, but they don’t like the Chargers either. McFadden returns but Matthews and the Charger offense is better. Over-under on tackles refused by Charles Woodson: 6. Pick: Bolts
Falcons at Niners – Seriously? Sometimes a forfeit is the merciful thing to do. Good bye Candlestick. Best thing about the place is that it never collapsed from the earthquake damage. Worst thing about the demolition: The site for “The Catch” gets paved over and becomes a back corner office in a corrugated warehouse. Ahh, the memories. Pick: Niners