HarveyWallbangers
09-07-2006, 11:17 PM
Take some of the following to the bank
By Gene Wojciechowski, ESPN.com
One Hundred Things I'm Almost Positive Will Happen In The NFL This Season (and if I don't get at least 65 right, I'll tell Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Joey Porter that he tackles like Olindo Mare):
100: Vince Young will be the Tennessee Titans starting quarterback by the time they play Houston at home Oct. 29. With the bye date on Oct. 22, that gives Titans coaches two weeks to get VY ready for the visiting Texans.
99: I don't care what his 2005 numbers extrapolate to, Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson will not rush for 2,000 yards this season.
98: The 1972 Miami Dolphins can put another bottle of champagne on ice. No team will go undefeated.
97: The Indianapolis Colts, Seattle Seahawks or Carolina Panthers will make Don Shula and the fellas sweat it out until December.
96: Steelers coach Bill Cowher will resign at season's end.
95: This will be the year the Colts' Reggie Wayne catches more touchdown passes than the remarkable Marvin Harrison.
94: Tony Kornheiser will become the Jon Stewart of NFL announcers, which is a very good thing.
93: Thanks to a mediocre offensive line, New Orleans Saints rookie Reggie Bush won't rush for 1,000 yards.
92: But he'll still remind you of Barry Sanders.
91: The NFC Comeback Player of the Year will be -- and I can't believe I'm saying this -- Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens.
90: Runner-up: Green Bay Packers running back Ahman Green.
89: The AFC Comeback Player of the Year will be Cleveland Browns tight end Kellen Winslow Jr..
88: Runner-up: Dolphins quarterback Daunte Culpepper.
87: Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer and his surgically repaired knee won't miss a game.
86: The formerly disgruntled Javon Walker will have a better season with the Denver Broncos than the formerly disgruntled Ashley Lelie will have with the Atlanta Falcons.
85: At the halfway point in the season we'll be raving about the Philadelphia Eagles and San Diego Chargers.
84: If someone is canned -- and there are hardly any pink slip candidates left after 10 coaching changes during the offseason -- the first to go will be Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick.
83: No way does Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre finish with his 2005 numbers (nine more interceptions than touchdowns).
82: No. 1 pick Mario Williams will help improve the Houston Texans (their defense was a dreadful 31st overall in 2005), but not nearly as much as Bush would have (and I'd say that even if Domanick Davis wasn't out for the season).
81: The ongoing battle between the Chicago Bears' Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson for the starting tailback spot will be the testiest -- and most interesting -- in the league.
80: All those fantasy league owners who stole Carolina Panthers rookie running back DeAngelo Williams as low as the seventh round of their drafts will cash winners' shares this year.
79: All those fantasy league owners who took Cleveland Browns running back Reuben Droughns as high as the fourth round will cash bupkus.
78: No sixth-seeded playoff team will win two, much less four postseason games in a row on the road (a la the 2005 Steelers).
77: The Minnesota Vikings will win every meaningful award for Ugliest Uniforms by an NFL Franchise.
76: Peyton "Cut That Meat" Manning will lead the NFL in Most Touchdown Passes and Best Acting in Commercials.
75: The Colts will miss Edgerrin James more than anybody -- including team president Bill Polian -- realizes.
74: The New England Patriots will win the AFC East.
73: The Steelers will win the AFC North.
72: The Colts will win the AFC South.
71: The Denver Broncos will win the AFC West.
70: The AFC wild-card teams will be the Dolphins and Jacksonville Jaguars.
69: The Cowboys will win the NFC East.
68: The Bears will win the NFC North.
67: The Panthers will win the NFC South.
66: The Seattle Seahawks will win the NFC West.
65: The NFC wild-card teams will be the New York Giants and Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
64 Knucklehead critics will continue to question the toughness of Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander. He'll answer them with something in the area of 1,650 yards/22 TDs.
63: That said, Seahawks management will be haunted by its decision not to re-sign free agent guard Steve Hutchinson.
62: According to Sports Illustrated's Peter King, Deuce McAllister spoke to former Steelers great Jerome Bettis about dealing with a reduced role in the Saints' offense. If McAllister really listened to the wise Bettis, the Deuce/Reggie tag team will work fine.
61: Rex Grossman will start the season for the Bears, but Brian Griese will finish it. Sorry, law of averages: Grossman has played seven games in three seasons because of injuries.
60: New Atlanta Falcons quarterbacks coach Bill Musgrave, one of the best in the business, will finally solve the mystery that is Michael Vick.
59: Oakland Raiders wide receiver Randy Moss will do better than the 60-catch, 1,005-yard, eight-touchdown season of a year ago. If he doesn't -- and a lot also depends on erratic quarterback Aaron Brooks -- the Raiders will be lucky to win three games.
58: Peyton's Colts will beat Eli's Giants in the Manning Bowl.
57: Thanks to another dismal season, this is what San Francisco 49ers fans will hear in April from new NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: "With the first selection in the 2007 NFL draft, the 49ers choose … "
56: Tennessee Titans rookie running back LenDale White will finish with more touchdowns than former USC teammate Bush.
55: Detroit Lions wide receiver Roy Williams will go from 45 catches, 687 yards and eight touchdowns, to 85 catches, 1,100 yards and 10 touchdowns -- he's that good. Plus, he finally has a veteran quarterback (Jon Kitna) and an offensive coordinator (Mike Martz) committed to getting him the ball.
54: The Patriots will beat the Jaguars, and the Broncos will beat the Dolphins, in the AFC wild-card games.
53: The Giants will beat the Bears, and the Cowboys will beat the Buccaneers, in the NFC wild-card games.
52: Once again, the Giants will wear the best-looking road jerseys in the NFL.
51: The Steelers will struggle to find a true team leader.
50: The Martz/Rod Marinelli coaching marriage will work better than you think.
49: No one outside the Bay Area -- and not in a fantasy league -- can name four 49ers. (I'll even spot you Alex Smith and Frank Gore.)
48: San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman will be the NFL Defensive Player of the Year.
47: Colts management will make sure Nick Harper's wife has no access to sharp objects once the playoffs begin.
46: If Deion Branch doesn't re-sign with New England, disregard everything I said about the Patriots and the postseason.
45: A family of four will easily be able to afford an NFL regular-season game -- if that family of four's last name is, say, Buffett or Gates. The average cost of an NFL ticket is $62.38, which means $249.52 just to get through the turnstile. So when the Jets push their slogan, "Show Your Green," they mean it.
44: The AFC team with the toughest September schedule is the Steelers (Miami, at Jacksonville, Cincinnati). The NFC: Giants (Indianapolis, at Philadelphia, at Seattle).
43: The toughest October AFC schedule: Cincy (New England, at Tampa Bay, Carolina, Atlanta). The NFC: Seattle (at Chicago, at St. Louis, Minnesota, at Kansas City).
42: The toughest November AFC schedule: Oakland (at Seattle, Denver, at Kansas City, at San Diego). The NFC: Washington (Dallas, at Philly, at Tampa Bay, Carolina).
41: The toughest December AFC schedule: Cincy (Oakland, at Petyon-apolis, at Denver, Pittsburgh). The NFC: Tampa Bay (at Pittsburgh, Atlanta, at Chicago, at Cleveland, Seattle).
40: Dolphins coach Nick Saban will unseat Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden for Best Sideline Meltdown.
39: The Chargers will have two of the best players in the game -- Merriman and LaDainian Tomlinson -- and still not make the playoffs.
38: Titans offensive coordinator Norm Chow will age like he's on dog years.
37: Ricky Williams will do something ridiculous, but this time no one will care.
36: Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, not knowing it was just a movie, will try to sign Mark Wahlberg to play on Washington's special teams.
35: Nobody will know what XLI means.
34: The NFL Network will keep new announcer Bryant Gumbel on a short leash.
33: None of the four wide receivers who caught 100 passes last season -- Arizona's Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald, Carolina's Steve Smith and St. Louis' Torry Holt -- will reach triple digits in 2006. And that's a good thing.
32: Your NFL rushing leader will be Larry Johnson.
31: Stung by the criticism from last season's scandal involving two Panthers cheerleaders, the team will unveil its new "family values" cheerleading outfits designed by Mennonite's Secret.
30: The Patriots will beat the Steelers, and the Colts will beat the Broncos, in the AFC divisional playoffs.
29: The Panthers will beat the Giants, and the Cowboys will beat the Seahawks, in the NFC divisional playoffs.
28: Saban will politely decline to have lunch with President Bush at his Dolphins office. Saban will cite a pressing need to work on his A-Gap schemes.
27: Broncos rookie quarterback Jay Cutler will not challenge Jake Plummer for playing time. Cutler and Plummer will become fast friends after Plummer shows him how to hide a cell phone in his beard.
26: Players and media types will express outrage over a handful of Pro Bowl selections and snubs. Then nobody will want to play in the game, cover it, or watch it.
25: Few people will be able to name the only quarterback who has thrown for more than 4,000 yards in each of the last three seasons. (Yeah, I had to look it up too: the Chiefs' Trent Green).
24: Forget about T.O.; the best wide receiver in the league will be Miami's Chris Chambers.
23: My John "The Million-Dollar Man" Anthony Week 1 upset special is … Green Bay over Chicago.
22: The most underrated player in the league will be Buffalo Bills running back Willis McGahee.
21: If the Falcons' Musgrave can't figure out the mystery that is Michael Vick, remember this: Musgrave coached Falcons backup Matt Schaub at Virginia. I'm just saying.
20: Arizona's Neil Rackers will not make 40 field goals this season. Not even close.
19: If 49ers second-year quarterback Alex Smith doesn't throw 20 times as many touchdown passes as he did last season (1), SF is doomed.
18: Best sleeper player: St. Louis Rams wide receiver Kevin Curtis.
17: Chester Taylor will struggle to make the transition from Baltimore Ravens backup to featured back for the Vikings.
16: Jaguars running back Fred Taylor will stay healthy for exactly 11 minutes.
15: If I'm wrong about Bush not gaining 1,000 yards, it's going to be a very, very long season for the Texans.
14: Redskins quarterback Mark Brunell will prove his critics wrong … for the first half of the season. Then comes the QB controversy with Jason Campbell.
13: I don't know if Smith can get him the ball, but there are worse ways to spend part of your Sunday than watching linebackers and safeties try to cover 49ers rookie tight end Vernon Davis (4.38 40).
12: The NFL Rookie of the Year will be Arizona quarterback Matt Leinart.
11: The Eagles will miss the playoffs by thismuch, but it won't be because of quarterback Donovan McNabb, who will flourish in the post-T.O. era.
10: Of the 10 new coaches, St. Louis' Scott Linehan will finish with the best first-year record.
9: Goodell will finally figure out a way to put an expansion team in Los Angeles.
8: Keeping with his same-name policy, Broncos coach Mike Shanahan will order his scouts to evaluate Colorado State running back Kyle Bell. Just in case the Bells fall out of favor, Shanahan also has instructed his scouts to look at running backs Aaron Brown of TCU, Andre Brown of North Carolina State, Curtis Brown of BYU and Thomas Brown of Georgia.
7: Nothing will come of it, but at least one NFL team will make a discreet, back-channel inquiry about Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis' availability.
6: Katie Couric will not also anchor CBS's NFL Today show.
5: Peyton Manning will be the league MVP.
4: The Colts will beat the Patriots in the AFC Championship Game.
3: The Panthers will beat the Cowboys in the NFC Championship Game.
2: The Colts will beat the Panthers in Super Bowl XLI (41, for the Roman numeral impaired).
1: I know … I better start getting ready for my Joey Porter speech and sprint.
By Gene Wojciechowski, ESPN.com
One Hundred Things I'm Almost Positive Will Happen In The NFL This Season (and if I don't get at least 65 right, I'll tell Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Joey Porter that he tackles like Olindo Mare):
100: Vince Young will be the Tennessee Titans starting quarterback by the time they play Houston at home Oct. 29. With the bye date on Oct. 22, that gives Titans coaches two weeks to get VY ready for the visiting Texans.
99: I don't care what his 2005 numbers extrapolate to, Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson will not rush for 2,000 yards this season.
98: The 1972 Miami Dolphins can put another bottle of champagne on ice. No team will go undefeated.
97: The Indianapolis Colts, Seattle Seahawks or Carolina Panthers will make Don Shula and the fellas sweat it out until December.
96: Steelers coach Bill Cowher will resign at season's end.
95: This will be the year the Colts' Reggie Wayne catches more touchdown passes than the remarkable Marvin Harrison.
94: Tony Kornheiser will become the Jon Stewart of NFL announcers, which is a very good thing.
93: Thanks to a mediocre offensive line, New Orleans Saints rookie Reggie Bush won't rush for 1,000 yards.
92: But he'll still remind you of Barry Sanders.
91: The NFC Comeback Player of the Year will be -- and I can't believe I'm saying this -- Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens.
90: Runner-up: Green Bay Packers running back Ahman Green.
89: The AFC Comeback Player of the Year will be Cleveland Browns tight end Kellen Winslow Jr..
88: Runner-up: Dolphins quarterback Daunte Culpepper.
87: Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer and his surgically repaired knee won't miss a game.
86: The formerly disgruntled Javon Walker will have a better season with the Denver Broncos than the formerly disgruntled Ashley Lelie will have with the Atlanta Falcons.
85: At the halfway point in the season we'll be raving about the Philadelphia Eagles and San Diego Chargers.
84: If someone is canned -- and there are hardly any pink slip candidates left after 10 coaching changes during the offseason -- the first to go will be Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick.
83: No way does Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre finish with his 2005 numbers (nine more interceptions than touchdowns).
82: No. 1 pick Mario Williams will help improve the Houston Texans (their defense was a dreadful 31st overall in 2005), but not nearly as much as Bush would have (and I'd say that even if Domanick Davis wasn't out for the season).
81: The ongoing battle between the Chicago Bears' Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson for the starting tailback spot will be the testiest -- and most interesting -- in the league.
80: All those fantasy league owners who stole Carolina Panthers rookie running back DeAngelo Williams as low as the seventh round of their drafts will cash winners' shares this year.
79: All those fantasy league owners who took Cleveland Browns running back Reuben Droughns as high as the fourth round will cash bupkus.
78: No sixth-seeded playoff team will win two, much less four postseason games in a row on the road (a la the 2005 Steelers).
77: The Minnesota Vikings will win every meaningful award for Ugliest Uniforms by an NFL Franchise.
76: Peyton "Cut That Meat" Manning will lead the NFL in Most Touchdown Passes and Best Acting in Commercials.
75: The Colts will miss Edgerrin James more than anybody -- including team president Bill Polian -- realizes.
74: The New England Patriots will win the AFC East.
73: The Steelers will win the AFC North.
72: The Colts will win the AFC South.
71: The Denver Broncos will win the AFC West.
70: The AFC wild-card teams will be the Dolphins and Jacksonville Jaguars.
69: The Cowboys will win the NFC East.
68: The Bears will win the NFC North.
67: The Panthers will win the NFC South.
66: The Seattle Seahawks will win the NFC West.
65: The NFC wild-card teams will be the New York Giants and Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
64 Knucklehead critics will continue to question the toughness of Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander. He'll answer them with something in the area of 1,650 yards/22 TDs.
63: That said, Seahawks management will be haunted by its decision not to re-sign free agent guard Steve Hutchinson.
62: According to Sports Illustrated's Peter King, Deuce McAllister spoke to former Steelers great Jerome Bettis about dealing with a reduced role in the Saints' offense. If McAllister really listened to the wise Bettis, the Deuce/Reggie tag team will work fine.
61: Rex Grossman will start the season for the Bears, but Brian Griese will finish it. Sorry, law of averages: Grossman has played seven games in three seasons because of injuries.
60: New Atlanta Falcons quarterbacks coach Bill Musgrave, one of the best in the business, will finally solve the mystery that is Michael Vick.
59: Oakland Raiders wide receiver Randy Moss will do better than the 60-catch, 1,005-yard, eight-touchdown season of a year ago. If he doesn't -- and a lot also depends on erratic quarterback Aaron Brooks -- the Raiders will be lucky to win three games.
58: Peyton's Colts will beat Eli's Giants in the Manning Bowl.
57: Thanks to another dismal season, this is what San Francisco 49ers fans will hear in April from new NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: "With the first selection in the 2007 NFL draft, the 49ers choose … "
56: Tennessee Titans rookie running back LenDale White will finish with more touchdowns than former USC teammate Bush.
55: Detroit Lions wide receiver Roy Williams will go from 45 catches, 687 yards and eight touchdowns, to 85 catches, 1,100 yards and 10 touchdowns -- he's that good. Plus, he finally has a veteran quarterback (Jon Kitna) and an offensive coordinator (Mike Martz) committed to getting him the ball.
54: The Patriots will beat the Jaguars, and the Broncos will beat the Dolphins, in the AFC wild-card games.
53: The Giants will beat the Bears, and the Cowboys will beat the Buccaneers, in the NFC wild-card games.
52: Once again, the Giants will wear the best-looking road jerseys in the NFL.
51: The Steelers will struggle to find a true team leader.
50: The Martz/Rod Marinelli coaching marriage will work better than you think.
49: No one outside the Bay Area -- and not in a fantasy league -- can name four 49ers. (I'll even spot you Alex Smith and Frank Gore.)
48: San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman will be the NFL Defensive Player of the Year.
47: Colts management will make sure Nick Harper's wife has no access to sharp objects once the playoffs begin.
46: If Deion Branch doesn't re-sign with New England, disregard everything I said about the Patriots and the postseason.
45: A family of four will easily be able to afford an NFL regular-season game -- if that family of four's last name is, say, Buffett or Gates. The average cost of an NFL ticket is $62.38, which means $249.52 just to get through the turnstile. So when the Jets push their slogan, "Show Your Green," they mean it.
44: The AFC team with the toughest September schedule is the Steelers (Miami, at Jacksonville, Cincinnati). The NFC: Giants (Indianapolis, at Philadelphia, at Seattle).
43: The toughest October AFC schedule: Cincy (New England, at Tampa Bay, Carolina, Atlanta). The NFC: Seattle (at Chicago, at St. Louis, Minnesota, at Kansas City).
42: The toughest November AFC schedule: Oakland (at Seattle, Denver, at Kansas City, at San Diego). The NFC: Washington (Dallas, at Philly, at Tampa Bay, Carolina).
41: The toughest December AFC schedule: Cincy (Oakland, at Petyon-apolis, at Denver, Pittsburgh). The NFC: Tampa Bay (at Pittsburgh, Atlanta, at Chicago, at Cleveland, Seattle).
40: Dolphins coach Nick Saban will unseat Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden for Best Sideline Meltdown.
39: The Chargers will have two of the best players in the game -- Merriman and LaDainian Tomlinson -- and still not make the playoffs.
38: Titans offensive coordinator Norm Chow will age like he's on dog years.
37: Ricky Williams will do something ridiculous, but this time no one will care.
36: Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, not knowing it was just a movie, will try to sign Mark Wahlberg to play on Washington's special teams.
35: Nobody will know what XLI means.
34: The NFL Network will keep new announcer Bryant Gumbel on a short leash.
33: None of the four wide receivers who caught 100 passes last season -- Arizona's Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald, Carolina's Steve Smith and St. Louis' Torry Holt -- will reach triple digits in 2006. And that's a good thing.
32: Your NFL rushing leader will be Larry Johnson.
31: Stung by the criticism from last season's scandal involving two Panthers cheerleaders, the team will unveil its new "family values" cheerleading outfits designed by Mennonite's Secret.
30: The Patriots will beat the Steelers, and the Colts will beat the Broncos, in the AFC divisional playoffs.
29: The Panthers will beat the Giants, and the Cowboys will beat the Seahawks, in the NFC divisional playoffs.
28: Saban will politely decline to have lunch with President Bush at his Dolphins office. Saban will cite a pressing need to work on his A-Gap schemes.
27: Broncos rookie quarterback Jay Cutler will not challenge Jake Plummer for playing time. Cutler and Plummer will become fast friends after Plummer shows him how to hide a cell phone in his beard.
26: Players and media types will express outrage over a handful of Pro Bowl selections and snubs. Then nobody will want to play in the game, cover it, or watch it.
25: Few people will be able to name the only quarterback who has thrown for more than 4,000 yards in each of the last three seasons. (Yeah, I had to look it up too: the Chiefs' Trent Green).
24: Forget about T.O.; the best wide receiver in the league will be Miami's Chris Chambers.
23: My John "The Million-Dollar Man" Anthony Week 1 upset special is … Green Bay over Chicago.
22: The most underrated player in the league will be Buffalo Bills running back Willis McGahee.
21: If the Falcons' Musgrave can't figure out the mystery that is Michael Vick, remember this: Musgrave coached Falcons backup Matt Schaub at Virginia. I'm just saying.
20: Arizona's Neil Rackers will not make 40 field goals this season. Not even close.
19: If 49ers second-year quarterback Alex Smith doesn't throw 20 times as many touchdown passes as he did last season (1), SF is doomed.
18: Best sleeper player: St. Louis Rams wide receiver Kevin Curtis.
17: Chester Taylor will struggle to make the transition from Baltimore Ravens backup to featured back for the Vikings.
16: Jaguars running back Fred Taylor will stay healthy for exactly 11 minutes.
15: If I'm wrong about Bush not gaining 1,000 yards, it's going to be a very, very long season for the Texans.
14: Redskins quarterback Mark Brunell will prove his critics wrong … for the first half of the season. Then comes the QB controversy with Jason Campbell.
13: I don't know if Smith can get him the ball, but there are worse ways to spend part of your Sunday than watching linebackers and safeties try to cover 49ers rookie tight end Vernon Davis (4.38 40).
12: The NFL Rookie of the Year will be Arizona quarterback Matt Leinart.
11: The Eagles will miss the playoffs by thismuch, but it won't be because of quarterback Donovan McNabb, who will flourish in the post-T.O. era.
10: Of the 10 new coaches, St. Louis' Scott Linehan will finish with the best first-year record.
9: Goodell will finally figure out a way to put an expansion team in Los Angeles.
8: Keeping with his same-name policy, Broncos coach Mike Shanahan will order his scouts to evaluate Colorado State running back Kyle Bell. Just in case the Bells fall out of favor, Shanahan also has instructed his scouts to look at running backs Aaron Brown of TCU, Andre Brown of North Carolina State, Curtis Brown of BYU and Thomas Brown of Georgia.
7: Nothing will come of it, but at least one NFL team will make a discreet, back-channel inquiry about Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis' availability.
6: Katie Couric will not also anchor CBS's NFL Today show.
5: Peyton Manning will be the league MVP.
4: The Colts will beat the Patriots in the AFC Championship Game.
3: The Panthers will beat the Cowboys in the NFC Championship Game.
2: The Colts will beat the Panthers in Super Bowl XLI (41, for the Roman numeral impaired).
1: I know … I better start getting ready for my Joey Porter speech and sprint.