woodbuck27
09-27-2006, 01:17 AM
What comes to mind as YOU read these quotes?
I have to set most of them up.
1. "Contrary to what that loudmouth FOX color analyst Bill Maas says," says Panthers coach John Fox,
"Chris didn't attempt that lateral of his own volition. That was my decision, and my decision only. And if I had it to do over again, I would do nothing different, except not make that decision. But in my defense, if I told Chris to go jump off a bridge, should he do it?" John Fox
2. "Sure, we'd love to win, but we'll take a tie. At least that will get us a point in the NHL's Atlantic Division. But we know the Hurricanes, I mean Panthers, are just as hungry as we are. And, they'll likely have Steve Smith back, who, apparently, is their only offense. We, like the Panthers, are waiting on our best player to play his first game. What's that? Cadillac Williams played in our first two games? I didn't notice." John Gruden
3. The Packers fell to 0-2 with a 34-27 loss to the Saints, but showed some promise after last week's 26-0 shutout at the hands of the Bears.
"Yeah, we scored," says Brett Favre,
ripping into the plastic wrap covering a toy "Gunslinger" badge, the surprise found in a box of Lucky Charms he religiously enjoys every morning.
"Man, I love my Lucky Charms. You've got pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clover, red balloons, and blue Vocodins. Anyway, we went from 'shutout' to 'shootout' in the span of a week. You all need to get used to the phrase ' in a losing effort ' when you're talking about the Packers." Brett Favre
4. Detroit WR Roy Williams guaranteed a win last week when the Lions faced the Bears. As you know, he was wrong, but that hasn't stopped him from guaranteeing a win this week.
"Look, every year, the NFL has some clown playing wide receiver who makes guarantees," says Williams.
"This year, I'm that clown. It was a lot easier in college at Texas making these guarantees. You don't have to be too bold to guarantee wins over the likes of Rice, West Texas State, and Prairie View A & M. And you don't have to be bold to guarantee a win over the Bears  just stupid. But a win over the Packers? Bet the house." ... Roy Williams
5. In Ref: to the visiting Jaguars
"If they want the line of scrimmage," says Colts QB Peyton Manning, updating the lineup for his service industry fantasy team,
" they can have it. I'll even autograph it for them. Heck, I'll even throw in a year's worth of premium programing on DirectTV. Maybe Jack Del Rio's not aware of this, but the line of scrimmage moves, especially when I'm throwing. I watched the game Monday night. Yes, the Jags looked awesome on defense, but Ben Roethlisberger had plenty of time to throw. But he hits receivers like he drives a motorcycle. Give me 1.8 seconds, and I'll find an open receiver" ... Peyton Manning
6. "That's 'The Great and Mysterious Jets HC Eric Mangini' to you," says Jets HC Eric Mangini, a cross between the sourpuss demeanor of Tom Coughlin with the girth of Bill Parcells. " Did you see the handshake between Bill Belichick and myself at the end of the game? Cold, very cold. I guess you'd call it a respectful hatred. It's not like the guy had anything to do with me getting a head coaching job." ... Eric Mangini
7. The Bills got by the Dolphins in Miami with defense, a time-consuming rushing attack, and an efficient, yet unspectacular performance at quarterback by J.P. Losman.
"Efficient, yet unspectacular?" says Bills coach Dick Jauron.
"That would be J.P. He was only 11-of-18 for 83 yards, but one of those passes was a four-yard TD pass. Good enough to lead us to a 16-6 win over the Dolphins, but not good enough to get us anywhere near the Super Bowl. Losman is about as believable as a big-time quarterback as Ashton Kucher is as a Navy Seal." ... Dick Jauron
8. Just a few weeks ago, Kerry Collins was on his farm in North Carolina when he got a phone call asking him to work out for the Titans. A few days later, he was signed and was soon named the Titans' starter. After Sunday's performance in San Diego, Collins' tenure as Tennessee's starting quarterback may have bought the farm.
"Apparently, Kerry seems more comfortable on a tractor than in the pocket," says Titans head coach Jeff Fisher.
"His passer rating for the game was 1.3. That's right. One point three. You heard me right. Anyway, we've got our eyes on another farmer turned quarterback named John Deere. He's a little green, but we think he can fit right in."... Jeff Fisher
Just to reiterate, Collins' rating was 1.3.
That won't get you on the box of EA Sports Madden '07 video game. But it doesn't take much more. Miami's Daunte Culpepper stars in a Madden '07 commercial, but that must have been well before his first two games as a Dolphin, in which he has thrown 3 interceptions, suffered 10 sacks, and thrown only 1 touchdown pass.
"EA Sports. It's in the game," explains Culpepper.
"And that's more than I can say about myself in the first two weeks. When I played that bad in Minnesota, Chris Carter slapped me around, and Randy Moss would keep saying 'Come on, dawg' until I snapped out of it. It's time I stepped up, or get slapped."... Dante Culpepper
9. "It's a good thing we're paying the Texans," says Washington running back Cinton Portis ...
wearing a mesh Waffle House cap, lipstick, and a Groucho Marx disguise, while calling himself 'Special K... From... Down the Way.
" Who better to help us to our first win than the Oilers, or Texans, that is? It's not like we won't be returning the favor. We pin a loss on them, and they're one step closer to next year's number one pick. I would advise taking a running back." Clinton Portis
One last one:
10. The Ravens pulled off the unexpected two weeks ago:
They gave up points to the Raiders. Six to be exact, on two Sebastian Janikowski field goals, the last of which a 51-yarder in the fourth quarter with the Raiders down 21-3.
"I understand what Art Shell was thinking," says Baltimore's HC Brian Billick.
"Kick the field goal in that situation, and it's a 21-6 game. It's a 15-point game, which for the Raiders is a five-score deficit. A few onside kicks and four more field goals, and you're right back in it. Luckily, the Raiders have a bye week to sort out their problems, although a bye month would come in more handy." ... Brian Billick
Did I write... just one more ... well... I lied. :mrgreen:
11. In week 2. On the day, Eli Manning passed for 371 yards and 3 touchdowns, statistics topped only by big brother Peyton's 400-yard, 3 touchdown performance in a win over the Texans.
"That's the story of my life," says Giants Eli Manning.
"I'll never be the most famous Manning. Heck, I won't even be the most famous Eli. The inventor of the cotton gin, Eli Whitney, still gets more hits in Wikipedia than I do. It's cotton-picking... not fair. Shoot, I can't even get in an ESPN commercial unless Peyton's in it. Dad gummit! His comic timing is impeccable." ... Eli Manning
12. In week 2. The Eagles blew a 24-7 fourth quarter lead to the Giants, then, in overtime, gave up a 31-yard touchdown pass from Eli Manning to Plaxico Burress. The Eagles lost despite sacking Manning eight times, and were constantly victimized by big plays. After going 0-6 in the division last year, the Eagles are now 0-1 against the East in 2006.
"Sure it was a devastating loss," says Donovan McNabb,
signing a 'Get Well Soon, You Bitch' Hallmark card that will soon be in the mail to Terrell Owens,
"but one we can overcome. This is the NFC East, by god. We could lose every division game and still win the East." ... Donovan McNabb
13. "The NFC West gets no respect," says Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner.
"But if you people would do you research, and maybe read the Bible occasionally, you'll see that the NFC West is the only division in the NFL in which all four teams have wins. Repent!"... Kurt Warner
"Hey, don't knock Kurt for his convictions," says Arizona backup QB Matt Leinart.
"Each of us prepares differently for games. Kurt reads scripture, and I cover myself from head to toe with Axe Body Spray and down a can or two of Red Bull to combat the effects of the previous night's hangover. Then I try to remember who I hooked up with."... Matt Leinart
13 is my Unlucky Number... so....
14. Well, it looks like the Patriots are the class of the AFC East, again. With wins already over division foes the Bills and Jets, and with Miami sucking a large one, New England is on its way to another division crown. On Sunday night, the Patriots welcome the Broncos, with intentions of avenging last year's loss in the divisional playoffs.
"Someone once said, 'Revenge is a dish best served cold,'" says Tom Brady.
"Maybe it was Edgar Allen Poe, or Bela Lugosi, or Eric Cartman. I don't know. But those words apply to my feelings about the Broncos. We will avenge last year's defeat in the playoffs at the hands of the Broncos. We hear all the talk about the Bell's, Denver's two-headed rushing attack, Mike and Tatum. But we have one of our own, Dillon and Maroney, Corey and Laurence. I know 'Corey and Laurence' sounds like two guys attending a snooty prep school for privileged honkies in upstate New York, but our guys our tougher than shoe leather and meaner than rattlesnakes." ...Tom Brady
15. The Saints may be the most surprising 2-0 team in football, but the Falcons' ability to rush the ball may be even more surprising. The lead the NFL in rushing with 558 yards.
" Wow! That is simply amazing! Spectacular! Breathtaking!" exclaims Michael Vick." Michael Vick
Yes, Michael, the Atlanta rushing attack is on pace to gain over 4,000 yards on the ground. You're right. It's unbelievable.
"No, I'm talking about the awesome pictures of Tiger Woods' wife in this sleazy Irish tabloid that was delivered directly to my post office box under the name Ronald O'Mexico." .. Michael Vick
Vick's backfield mate, Warrick Dunn, is the NFL's individual rushing leader, with 266 yards. After last Sunday's 134-yard performance against the Bucs, Dunn was named Michael Irvin's No. 1 playmaker on the Monday Night Football pregame show.
"That's great to hear," says a humbled Falcons RB Warrick Dunn.
"To be named the No. 1 playmaker by the 'Playmaker' himself is quite an honor. Now, if I could just dress like the him. Hey, 'Playmaker,' where'd you get that jacket? It looked like a tablecloth from my grandmother's kitchen. Let me guess. You got it at 'Step 'N Style,' America's No. 1 upscale ghetto outfitter." Warrick Dunn
or did they? :idea: :?:
Remarks anyone ?
I have to set most of them up.
1. "Contrary to what that loudmouth FOX color analyst Bill Maas says," says Panthers coach John Fox,
"Chris didn't attempt that lateral of his own volition. That was my decision, and my decision only. And if I had it to do over again, I would do nothing different, except not make that decision. But in my defense, if I told Chris to go jump off a bridge, should he do it?" John Fox
2. "Sure, we'd love to win, but we'll take a tie. At least that will get us a point in the NHL's Atlantic Division. But we know the Hurricanes, I mean Panthers, are just as hungry as we are. And, they'll likely have Steve Smith back, who, apparently, is their only offense. We, like the Panthers, are waiting on our best player to play his first game. What's that? Cadillac Williams played in our first two games? I didn't notice." John Gruden
3. The Packers fell to 0-2 with a 34-27 loss to the Saints, but showed some promise after last week's 26-0 shutout at the hands of the Bears.
"Yeah, we scored," says Brett Favre,
ripping into the plastic wrap covering a toy "Gunslinger" badge, the surprise found in a box of Lucky Charms he religiously enjoys every morning.
"Man, I love my Lucky Charms. You've got pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clover, red balloons, and blue Vocodins. Anyway, we went from 'shutout' to 'shootout' in the span of a week. You all need to get used to the phrase ' in a losing effort ' when you're talking about the Packers." Brett Favre
4. Detroit WR Roy Williams guaranteed a win last week when the Lions faced the Bears. As you know, he was wrong, but that hasn't stopped him from guaranteeing a win this week.
"Look, every year, the NFL has some clown playing wide receiver who makes guarantees," says Williams.
"This year, I'm that clown. It was a lot easier in college at Texas making these guarantees. You don't have to be too bold to guarantee wins over the likes of Rice, West Texas State, and Prairie View A & M. And you don't have to be bold to guarantee a win over the Bears  just stupid. But a win over the Packers? Bet the house." ... Roy Williams
5. In Ref: to the visiting Jaguars
"If they want the line of scrimmage," says Colts QB Peyton Manning, updating the lineup for his service industry fantasy team,
" they can have it. I'll even autograph it for them. Heck, I'll even throw in a year's worth of premium programing on DirectTV. Maybe Jack Del Rio's not aware of this, but the line of scrimmage moves, especially when I'm throwing. I watched the game Monday night. Yes, the Jags looked awesome on defense, but Ben Roethlisberger had plenty of time to throw. But he hits receivers like he drives a motorcycle. Give me 1.8 seconds, and I'll find an open receiver" ... Peyton Manning
6. "That's 'The Great and Mysterious Jets HC Eric Mangini' to you," says Jets HC Eric Mangini, a cross between the sourpuss demeanor of Tom Coughlin with the girth of Bill Parcells. " Did you see the handshake between Bill Belichick and myself at the end of the game? Cold, very cold. I guess you'd call it a respectful hatred. It's not like the guy had anything to do with me getting a head coaching job." ... Eric Mangini
7. The Bills got by the Dolphins in Miami with defense, a time-consuming rushing attack, and an efficient, yet unspectacular performance at quarterback by J.P. Losman.
"Efficient, yet unspectacular?" says Bills coach Dick Jauron.
"That would be J.P. He was only 11-of-18 for 83 yards, but one of those passes was a four-yard TD pass. Good enough to lead us to a 16-6 win over the Dolphins, but not good enough to get us anywhere near the Super Bowl. Losman is about as believable as a big-time quarterback as Ashton Kucher is as a Navy Seal." ... Dick Jauron
8. Just a few weeks ago, Kerry Collins was on his farm in North Carolina when he got a phone call asking him to work out for the Titans. A few days later, he was signed and was soon named the Titans' starter. After Sunday's performance in San Diego, Collins' tenure as Tennessee's starting quarterback may have bought the farm.
"Apparently, Kerry seems more comfortable on a tractor than in the pocket," says Titans head coach Jeff Fisher.
"His passer rating for the game was 1.3. That's right. One point three. You heard me right. Anyway, we've got our eyes on another farmer turned quarterback named John Deere. He's a little green, but we think he can fit right in."... Jeff Fisher
Just to reiterate, Collins' rating was 1.3.
That won't get you on the box of EA Sports Madden '07 video game. But it doesn't take much more. Miami's Daunte Culpepper stars in a Madden '07 commercial, but that must have been well before his first two games as a Dolphin, in which he has thrown 3 interceptions, suffered 10 sacks, and thrown only 1 touchdown pass.
"EA Sports. It's in the game," explains Culpepper.
"And that's more than I can say about myself in the first two weeks. When I played that bad in Minnesota, Chris Carter slapped me around, and Randy Moss would keep saying 'Come on, dawg' until I snapped out of it. It's time I stepped up, or get slapped."... Dante Culpepper
9. "It's a good thing we're paying the Texans," says Washington running back Cinton Portis ...
wearing a mesh Waffle House cap, lipstick, and a Groucho Marx disguise, while calling himself 'Special K... From... Down the Way.
" Who better to help us to our first win than the Oilers, or Texans, that is? It's not like we won't be returning the favor. We pin a loss on them, and they're one step closer to next year's number one pick. I would advise taking a running back." Clinton Portis
One last one:
10. The Ravens pulled off the unexpected two weeks ago:
They gave up points to the Raiders. Six to be exact, on two Sebastian Janikowski field goals, the last of which a 51-yarder in the fourth quarter with the Raiders down 21-3.
"I understand what Art Shell was thinking," says Baltimore's HC Brian Billick.
"Kick the field goal in that situation, and it's a 21-6 game. It's a 15-point game, which for the Raiders is a five-score deficit. A few onside kicks and four more field goals, and you're right back in it. Luckily, the Raiders have a bye week to sort out their problems, although a bye month would come in more handy." ... Brian Billick
Did I write... just one more ... well... I lied. :mrgreen:
11. In week 2. On the day, Eli Manning passed for 371 yards and 3 touchdowns, statistics topped only by big brother Peyton's 400-yard, 3 touchdown performance in a win over the Texans.
"That's the story of my life," says Giants Eli Manning.
"I'll never be the most famous Manning. Heck, I won't even be the most famous Eli. The inventor of the cotton gin, Eli Whitney, still gets more hits in Wikipedia than I do. It's cotton-picking... not fair. Shoot, I can't even get in an ESPN commercial unless Peyton's in it. Dad gummit! His comic timing is impeccable." ... Eli Manning
12. In week 2. The Eagles blew a 24-7 fourth quarter lead to the Giants, then, in overtime, gave up a 31-yard touchdown pass from Eli Manning to Plaxico Burress. The Eagles lost despite sacking Manning eight times, and were constantly victimized by big plays. After going 0-6 in the division last year, the Eagles are now 0-1 against the East in 2006.
"Sure it was a devastating loss," says Donovan McNabb,
signing a 'Get Well Soon, You Bitch' Hallmark card that will soon be in the mail to Terrell Owens,
"but one we can overcome. This is the NFC East, by god. We could lose every division game and still win the East." ... Donovan McNabb
13. "The NFC West gets no respect," says Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner.
"But if you people would do you research, and maybe read the Bible occasionally, you'll see that the NFC West is the only division in the NFL in which all four teams have wins. Repent!"... Kurt Warner
"Hey, don't knock Kurt for his convictions," says Arizona backup QB Matt Leinart.
"Each of us prepares differently for games. Kurt reads scripture, and I cover myself from head to toe with Axe Body Spray and down a can or two of Red Bull to combat the effects of the previous night's hangover. Then I try to remember who I hooked up with."... Matt Leinart
13 is my Unlucky Number... so....
14. Well, it looks like the Patriots are the class of the AFC East, again. With wins already over division foes the Bills and Jets, and with Miami sucking a large one, New England is on its way to another division crown. On Sunday night, the Patriots welcome the Broncos, with intentions of avenging last year's loss in the divisional playoffs.
"Someone once said, 'Revenge is a dish best served cold,'" says Tom Brady.
"Maybe it was Edgar Allen Poe, or Bela Lugosi, or Eric Cartman. I don't know. But those words apply to my feelings about the Broncos. We will avenge last year's defeat in the playoffs at the hands of the Broncos. We hear all the talk about the Bell's, Denver's two-headed rushing attack, Mike and Tatum. But we have one of our own, Dillon and Maroney, Corey and Laurence. I know 'Corey and Laurence' sounds like two guys attending a snooty prep school for privileged honkies in upstate New York, but our guys our tougher than shoe leather and meaner than rattlesnakes." ...Tom Brady
15. The Saints may be the most surprising 2-0 team in football, but the Falcons' ability to rush the ball may be even more surprising. The lead the NFL in rushing with 558 yards.
" Wow! That is simply amazing! Spectacular! Breathtaking!" exclaims Michael Vick." Michael Vick
Yes, Michael, the Atlanta rushing attack is on pace to gain over 4,000 yards on the ground. You're right. It's unbelievable.
"No, I'm talking about the awesome pictures of Tiger Woods' wife in this sleazy Irish tabloid that was delivered directly to my post office box under the name Ronald O'Mexico." .. Michael Vick
Vick's backfield mate, Warrick Dunn, is the NFL's individual rushing leader, with 266 yards. After last Sunday's 134-yard performance against the Bucs, Dunn was named Michael Irvin's No. 1 playmaker on the Monday Night Football pregame show.
"That's great to hear," says a humbled Falcons RB Warrick Dunn.
"To be named the No. 1 playmaker by the 'Playmaker' himself is quite an honor. Now, if I could just dress like the him. Hey, 'Playmaker,' where'd you get that jacket? It looked like a tablecloth from my grandmother's kitchen. Let me guess. You got it at 'Step 'N Style,' America's No. 1 upscale ghetto outfitter." Warrick Dunn
or did they? :idea: :?:
Remarks anyone ?