Guiness
04-18-2007, 09:00 AM
Ok, I was taking a look at sportsline, and this guy wrote up a mock draft - pretty funny, actually.
His handle over there is xskumbagx
1 - Raiders: Greg Anderson. He is Barry Bonds personal trainer, and he is a home-town kid. He can supply that team with what they need most, the Lyle Alzado steriods that the Raiders were using back 20 years ago when they were a team that mattered. Give Robert Gallery a shot of Alzado-juice and see if he stops playing like a 98-lb weakling.
2 - Lions: Ron Wolf. this is the GM that helped build the Packers in the Mid 90's. he is a guy that knows how to draft, how to trade, and how to build a winner, even in the salary cap era. The Millen fiasco has to end sometime.
3 - Cleveland: Jim Brown's sperm. Back before the Browns were a punchline, they had the most dominating RB in NFL history. He led them to prominance. they need to start cultivating Brown's DNA and stop wasting picks on guys like William Green and Gerrald Warren.
4 - Tampa Bay: The Aflac Duck. I have never seen a team that needed QB insurance like this one. They kept Chris Simms, sans spleen. Traded for Plummer. Signed 36 yr old Jeff Garcia. I would not be surprised to see them bring back Testeverde or Shaun King. Again, how does Gruden have a job.
5 - Arizona: For the love of Christ, would someone on this team draft an O-Lineman!!! You have Edge, Leinhart, Fitzgerald, Boldin . . . You have weapons on offense. Work on the one area you have ignored for the last 14 or so drafts.
6 - Washington: Joe Gibbs - circa 1992. Ahh, reemember how good of a coach he was when he did not have that pesky little salary cap to work with in? He proved that he is only as good as his open check-book. Gibbs, like Jimmy Johnson in Dallas, could not be successful, or even have a winning record, with out an unlimited salary cap and the highest paid team in the NFL. Time to retire Joe, this time for good.
7: Minnesota: Mayor Rudy Giuliani, NYC. As this teams spends all their resources trying to broker land deals and stick it to the taxpayers of that state, they better bring in someone with experience doing just that. Rudy helped rebuild NYC and Times Square by brokering deals to all of his special interest's buddies, letting the tax-payer finance the burden. I am sure he can do the same for the Twin Cities.
8 - Atlanta: Sigmund Freud. With uber-talented players like Vick and D'Angelo Hall being such total f---ing head cases, they better get someone on that team to help them deal with two of the biggest excuse making whiners in the league.
9 - Miami: Ponce de Leon. This team trades away first-day draft picks for guys like AJ Feeley and Ricky "Sticky-icky" Williams. Eventually, if you do not draft youth, you better have a back-up plan. Ponce said the fountain of youth was somewhere down in southern Florida, and Cam Cameron better hope he is right. Average age of a Dolphin defensive starter: 48 years old. That's a fact - look it up.
10 - Houston: Re-read what I wrote about the Cardinals. This is the only team whose O-line has allowed sacks during extra points.
11 - San Francisco: Arthur Anderson. LLP (former Enron Accountant). After shelling record breaking deals this offseason, including a $340 million, 26-year deal to CB Nate Clements, unless they get some real pros in there front office to cook the books, they will be having a fire sale on overpriced cast-offs by Feb 2009. I mean - I know how good Dan Snyder has been using this method to build his team, so why not mimic him.
12 - Buffalo: Jim Kelly. Then in Round 2 they can draft Thurman Thomas, and in Round 3 Andre Reed, and in Round 4 Bruce Smith. They better also look at dusting off Marv Levy, assuming he has not started decomposing already.
13 - St. Louis: Zach (Dane Cook's character in the movie Employee of the Month). Hey - the grocery store stock boy thing worked once for this team, maybe they can catch lightning in a bottle twice.
14 - Carolina: Dr. House. This is the best medical mind ever. And the way this team loses players to injuries (Kris Jenkins, DeAngelo Williams, DeShaun Foster, etc) they need all the medical help that they can get.
15 - Green Bay: Bill Wilson (founder of Alcoholics Anonymous). Once Favre hangs 'em up for good, I bet liquor store sales start to skyrocket
32 - Indy: William Shatner Priceline Negotiator. As the only thing this team seems to be focused on is trying to relocate to LA (the Los Angeles Vikings? Can that sound any more gay?), they should bring in the guy who can keep their relocation costs to a minimum, that way they can afford to bring back all the star players they let go of the last 5 years. Oops - it may be too late by then.
His handle over there is xskumbagx
1 - Raiders: Greg Anderson. He is Barry Bonds personal trainer, and he is a home-town kid. He can supply that team with what they need most, the Lyle Alzado steriods that the Raiders were using back 20 years ago when they were a team that mattered. Give Robert Gallery a shot of Alzado-juice and see if he stops playing like a 98-lb weakling.
2 - Lions: Ron Wolf. this is the GM that helped build the Packers in the Mid 90's. he is a guy that knows how to draft, how to trade, and how to build a winner, even in the salary cap era. The Millen fiasco has to end sometime.
3 - Cleveland: Jim Brown's sperm. Back before the Browns were a punchline, they had the most dominating RB in NFL history. He led them to prominance. they need to start cultivating Brown's DNA and stop wasting picks on guys like William Green and Gerrald Warren.
4 - Tampa Bay: The Aflac Duck. I have never seen a team that needed QB insurance like this one. They kept Chris Simms, sans spleen. Traded for Plummer. Signed 36 yr old Jeff Garcia. I would not be surprised to see them bring back Testeverde or Shaun King. Again, how does Gruden have a job.
5 - Arizona: For the love of Christ, would someone on this team draft an O-Lineman!!! You have Edge, Leinhart, Fitzgerald, Boldin . . . You have weapons on offense. Work on the one area you have ignored for the last 14 or so drafts.
6 - Washington: Joe Gibbs - circa 1992. Ahh, reemember how good of a coach he was when he did not have that pesky little salary cap to work with in? He proved that he is only as good as his open check-book. Gibbs, like Jimmy Johnson in Dallas, could not be successful, or even have a winning record, with out an unlimited salary cap and the highest paid team in the NFL. Time to retire Joe, this time for good.
7: Minnesota: Mayor Rudy Giuliani, NYC. As this teams spends all their resources trying to broker land deals and stick it to the taxpayers of that state, they better bring in someone with experience doing just that. Rudy helped rebuild NYC and Times Square by brokering deals to all of his special interest's buddies, letting the tax-payer finance the burden. I am sure he can do the same for the Twin Cities.
8 - Atlanta: Sigmund Freud. With uber-talented players like Vick and D'Angelo Hall being such total f---ing head cases, they better get someone on that team to help them deal with two of the biggest excuse making whiners in the league.
9 - Miami: Ponce de Leon. This team trades away first-day draft picks for guys like AJ Feeley and Ricky "Sticky-icky" Williams. Eventually, if you do not draft youth, you better have a back-up plan. Ponce said the fountain of youth was somewhere down in southern Florida, and Cam Cameron better hope he is right. Average age of a Dolphin defensive starter: 48 years old. That's a fact - look it up.
10 - Houston: Re-read what I wrote about the Cardinals. This is the only team whose O-line has allowed sacks during extra points.
11 - San Francisco: Arthur Anderson. LLP (former Enron Accountant). After shelling record breaking deals this offseason, including a $340 million, 26-year deal to CB Nate Clements, unless they get some real pros in there front office to cook the books, they will be having a fire sale on overpriced cast-offs by Feb 2009. I mean - I know how good Dan Snyder has been using this method to build his team, so why not mimic him.
12 - Buffalo: Jim Kelly. Then in Round 2 they can draft Thurman Thomas, and in Round 3 Andre Reed, and in Round 4 Bruce Smith. They better also look at dusting off Marv Levy, assuming he has not started decomposing already.
13 - St. Louis: Zach (Dane Cook's character in the movie Employee of the Month). Hey - the grocery store stock boy thing worked once for this team, maybe they can catch lightning in a bottle twice.
14 - Carolina: Dr. House. This is the best medical mind ever. And the way this team loses players to injuries (Kris Jenkins, DeAngelo Williams, DeShaun Foster, etc) they need all the medical help that they can get.
15 - Green Bay: Bill Wilson (founder of Alcoholics Anonymous). Once Favre hangs 'em up for good, I bet liquor store sales start to skyrocket
32 - Indy: William Shatner Priceline Negotiator. As the only thing this team seems to be focused on is trying to relocate to LA (the Los Angeles Vikings? Can that sound any more gay?), they should bring in the guy who can keep their relocation costs to a minimum, that way they can afford to bring back all the star players they let go of the last 5 years. Oops - it may be too late by then.