PDA

View Full Version : Seething Midwest Explodes Over Lombardi Cartoons



Badgepack
05-08-2006, 04:51 PM
This is kinda old, It's really long, and I hope it works,

Seething Midwest Explodes Over Lombardi Cartoons
Green Bay, WI - Like a pot of bratwurst left unattended at a Lambeau Field pregame party, simmering tensions in the strife-torn Midwest boiled over once again today as rioting mobs of green-and-gold clad youth and plump farm wives rampaged through Wisconsin Denny’s and IHOPs, burning Texas toast and demanding apologies and extra half-and-half.


Cartoon that shocked Midwest The spark igniting the latest tailgate hibachi of unrest: a Texas newsletter's publication of caricatures of legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi.

Protestors demonstrated against the images throughout the Badger State yesterday, with violent egging and cow-tipping incidents reported in Oconomowac, Pewaukee, Sheboygan, Ozaukee, Antigo, Oshkosh, Waubeno, Wauwautosa, Waunewoc, Wyocena, Waubeka, and Washawonamowackapeepee.

Some of the most dramatic skirmishes were centered around Kenosha, where a mob of masked snowmobilers invaded the Texas Roadhouse on I-94, briefly holding the margarita machine hostage. They were later seen storming the beverage department at Woodman's, where they purchased several cases of Point and a pack of Merit menthols, and later at the Brat Stop classic rock/sausage outlet, where they were reported angrily "boogie-ing out" on air guitar to featured entertainment Molly Hatchett.

But by far the fiercest demonstration took place in Green Bay's Lambeau Shrine parking lot where throngs of Packer faithful burned Texas flags and effigies of Roger Staubach as Lutheran pastors led them in chants of "Those who defame the Vince suck" and "Favre is Great." Many of the frenzied demonstrators were seen ritualistically beating themselves with mozzarella sticks.

The crowd eventually dispersed, lured away by local supper clubs and the nickel slots of nearby Oneida Bingo Casino, but Pastor Doug Schmidtke of Fond Du Lac's Grand Lutheran Temple threatened continued community unrest "until the infidels of Texas deliver an apology. And the head of Tom Landry in a paper bag."

While the curd-strewn streets of Green Bay remain calm for the moment, a startled Texas government official -- speaking on terms of anonymity -- said that they would work with other developed states to find a solution to tensions "before the situation erupts into a full-fledged clash of civilizations."

Eye of a Storm

Over the past five years, the volatile Midwest has produced violent rage like the knockwurst output at Milwaukee's venerable Usinger's -- sudden, repeated, and in long unbroken strings. One of the principle catalysts was the rise the Uff Da insurgency, led by the enigmatic Pastor Duane Gunderson, who seek a unified Lutheran caliphate stretching from the Great Plains to Lake Huron, and the banning of non-Big 10/Pac 10 apostates from the Rose Bowl. Gunderson remains in hiding, but his influence was seen last year in the widely publicized Lutefisk desecration riots that rocked the Heartland amid the pancake breakfast holidays.

Still, outside of the Dells and a handful of violent outposts near its western Mississippi River border, Wisconsin remained a relatively calm exception to the Midwestern maelstrom surrounding it -- a fact that experts attribute to subtle differences in culture and religion.

"Unlike the ultra-extreme, radical Lutheran sectarians of Iowa and Minnesota, most ethnic Wisconsinites belong to the Wisconsin Lutheran Synod," said Joseph Killian, a Midwestern Studies professor at Emory University in Atlanta. "And if you add in three Super Bowl titles, easier access to beer, and walleye fishing, and you're going to have a much calmer and more stable culture."

All that would change in November with the publication of four cartoons in a Texas office newsletter -- cartoons that today have brought this once happily beer-goggled society to the precipice of all-out culture war.

Casus Belli

A thousand miles south of Wisconsin's sprawling Holstein pastures, Josh Davidson peers between the drawn drapes of his Plano, Texas apartment, looking for signs of suspicious green-clad strangers. It is his third day at the address, but he is already scanning the classified ads for his next residence. For this 37-year old, staying ahead of Packer radicals has become a full time job.

In November, Davidson -- a self-described diehard Dallas Cowboys fan -- made a fateful decision that would alter his life and whose reverberations are currently shaking the foundations of two societies.
"The Appleby's in Frisco has two big screens, and I liked going there Sunday for the Cowboy games," Davidson explained. "But one weekend there was this annoying bunch of Wisconsin immigrant idiots with foam rubber cheese wedge hats, screaming for the Packers on the other screen."

In response, Davidson drew four provocative cartoons of revered Packer coach Vince Lombardi, and distributed Xeroxed copies to his co-workers at VHT Technologies in Plano. What he didn't know is that one of co-workers was an alumnus of Marquette, and the cartoons would soon be circulated throughout the Packer world.

The response would be immediate and visceral.

"While Wisconsin culture is tolerant compared to, say, Iowa, what many outsiders don't understand is that its ultimate taboo is graven images of Lombardi," said Nigel Rhys-Jones of Harvard's Institute of Primitive Anthropology. "The only Lombardi iconography allowed is allegorical, in throw blankets or needlepoint appliques, and must be purchase at craft fairs from chubby Lutheran women in windbreakers. For a Cowboy fan to make cartoons of the Vince is... let's just say the ultimate sacrilege."

Aftermath

The appearance of the cartoons in Wisconsin media sparked a angry reaction in the Packer street, a reaction that some say radical Lutheran clerics were more than happy to foment and nurture with every Packerless playoff game.

After the NFC Championship game in January, WTMJ radio in Milwaukee broadcast a newly surfaced audiotape of Duane Gunderson on the Wayne Larrivee Packer Report, in which he urged Packer faithful to "rise up against the mockers of the one and true coach."

"Those who sow the curds of blasphemy will reap the cheddar wheel of destruction,” he added cryptically.

In response to growing pressure and threats of Wisconsin boycotts, VHT Technologies dismissed Davidson on January 21, issuing a fulsome personal apology from CEO George Uhl asking Wisconsinites "to consider VHT the next time you are choosing a supplier of multiphase diodes," and "please don't kill me."

Despite the olive branch, the Packer community finally exploded into the streets Sunday, as already frayed emotions were further enflamed by the awarding of the Vince Lombardi trophy to the Super Bowl's victorious Pittsburgh Steelers.

Numerous request to Texas Governor Rick Perry to execute or extradite Davidson to Wisconsin have thusfar gone unheeded, but it is unclear whether the Governor can withstand the growing political pressure for a cathartic public beheading. With nearly one million ethnic immigrant Midwesterners now living in Texas, experts say Perry risks alienating an important voter bloc. More troubling, some analyst believe that south Texas is currently infiltrated by a sleeper cell of tens of thousands of elderly Midwestern snowbirds, each of whom is armed with a Winnebago capable of smashing into a fast food restaurant.

Picking up the Pieces


Fudgienuckles Summit:
new hope for peace,
laser guns, buffalo burgersAs the world awaits the next move in this complicated polka of realpolitik, tensions throught the Midwest remain as high as the cholesterol. However, yesterday saw one hopeful sign of a thaw: a consortium of civic, religious and Packer club leaders announced an emergency summit at the Fudgienuckles bar in Glenbuelah next week to start a dialogue with their non-Midwestern counterparts. At the top of the agenda: working with non-Midwestern leaders to create regional peace and security by passing international anti-Packer blasphemy laws.

Small steps to be sure, but observers say these safety measures will help quell the roiling unrest before it spreads to the dimwitted ultra-militant Yoopers of Michigan's notorious Ishpeming Triangle.

While politicians and community leaders from Austin to Rhinelander work to sort out the issues, Josh Davidson says he will try to get on with his life, "maybe in Brazil or Nepal." Still, he says, he can't help puzzling over how he came to his current circumstances.

"Yeah, I guess maybe I was trying to push a couple of Packer hot buttons," he now admits. "I never though it would mean taping a mirror to a pole to check under my car for bombs every morning."

Does he have any regrets? Davis ponders a moment.

"No, not really," he says. "I'm just glad I didn't hand out those cartoons of Mike Ditka."




[/img]

K-town
05-08-2006, 05:10 PM
Badgepack: Freakin' hilarious

For further edification/enlightenment on Midwestern issues, I offer the following:

Grease Fire Rages Through Midwest
April 25, 2006 | Issue 42•17

MILWAUKEE—A raging grease fire has spread across the southern half of Wisconsin and into the neighboring states of Illinois, Iowa, and Minnesota, killing at least eight and leaving hundreds injured or missing after the intense heat and acrid odor of charred pork and cheese-filled breading overwhelmed the region.

Six of the dead reportedly tried to put out the grease flames with water, causing the fire to spread; two others perished after running back into their burning homes to save bacon still cooking on their stoves.

By Tuesday evening, more than 700,000 acres of Midwestern greaseland—in cluding tens of thousands of patio grills, outdoor beer gardens, supper-club kitchens, and barbecue pits—had been destroyed in the blaze.

Beloit, WI Fire Chief Paul Tolley said the fire was spreading faster than crews could react.

"The main problem is it's being fed at every turn. The homes and businesses here are oversaturated with corn dogs, melted cheese, and any number of deep-fried items," Tolley said. "Every time we think we have it under control, it hits a Hardee's and everything turns to chaos."

Officials said the grease blaze began after a Dodgeville, WI resident attempted to submerge an entire 21-pound turkey in a makeshift deep fryer Sunday. The fire then leapt rapidly from pancake house to pancake house, intensifying when flames reached a dense patch of diners at the peak of the brunch rush, which Dodgeville Fire Chief Ed Bouchard called "the worst possible timing."

"With the fact that the nearby park was still greasy from Saturday's brat fest, the situation quickly turned ugly," Bouchard said. "My crews simply did not have the baking-soda reserves to contain it."

The fire fanned out in all directions from the area, cutting a swath through truck stops, doughnut shops, and even mini-golf concession stands.

While most residents have fled to leaner ground, some have stayed behind to coat their homes in a flour, egg, and milk mixture in the hopes that it will protect the interior from the flames.

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who recommended that citizens only deep-fry when absolutely necessary, said Tuesday that the fire could "cripple the economic and meal-time power of Illinois and the rest of America's Grease Belt for a generation."

Experts have warned for years that the region was overdue for a disaster of this kind, saying that decades of poor grease management and a culture of fried and heavily buttered food created a highly incendiary "grease core" spread across thousands of homes, restaurants, and offices. Landfills overflowing with greasy waxed paper and cardboard only added to the danger.

"It would have taken enormous discipline and fortitude on the part of Midwesterners to change their combustible eating habits," said Iowa State University Professor of animal-rendering sciences Anita Close. "Unfortunately, these are unrealistic expectations."

Officials say the lack of rain has helped contain the blaze, but are worried that even light showers passing over the area could be disastrous.

"This fire could very well spatter south into the heart of fried-chicken and waffle country, or up to the cheesesteak districts of the Northeast," Tolley said. "If that happens, God help us all."

Jimx29
05-09-2006, 05:52 PM
Oh, the humanity......... :cry:

Jimx29
05-09-2006, 06:06 PM
Somebody also posted this at the packers.com forum back in January:



Packer fans burn Da Bears embassy in Green Bay over a cartoon featuring Favre throwing passes to Bears cornerbacks



Swear to gawd that's what I just heard on the TV http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v24/numbnutz/smilies/smilie_shifty2.gif



Pic from downtown Green Bay at the Bears embassy:

http://img342.imageshack.us/img342/3571/bearhouse3cm4se.jpg (http://imageshack.us)



I'll do my best to help out w.the grease fire:

http://img301.imageshack.us/img301/7256/greasefirec5mn.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Badgepack
05-10-2006, 12:25 PM
Here is another one; not entirely acurate, but close;

Cheesehead Dictionary

If you tink you can deck yourself out in green and gold and walk around occasionally bellowing "Go-Pack-Go!" and qualify as a Wisconsin native...you're dead wrong. Youse gotta know the lingo too, ya-know, hey.

Fer dos of youse jus plannin a trip nort to Wisconsin der, yur gonna wanna no da followin words.

Ain-a OR Ain-a-hey: placed at the end of a profound statement; as in "isn't It?"

Bart: a Green Bay institution who doesn't need a last name; (see "Vince").

Believe-you-me: attached to the beginning or end a statement makes it more credible; as in, "really!"

Big fatties: nightcrawlers for fishin'.

Blaze orange: what deer hunters and cold-weather Packers fans wear at Lambeau.

Born in a barn?: a sarcastic question which usually means you left the door open.

Borrow: used in place of "lend," as in, "could youse borrow me a couple two-tree bucks?"

Brat: a sausage; a Wisconsin tailgate favorite;doesn't have anything to do with a spoiled kid.

Bubbler: to the rest of the world outside Wisconsin's borders, it is known as a drinking fountain.

Budge: to merge without permission; cut in; as in "Don't you budge in line for a brat, I was here first!"

By: to; near; as in "Let's go by One Eyed Jack's,"or "She'll come by Froggers tonight." It has nothing to do with a purchase.

Cheddarhead: someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheesehead."

Cheesehead: someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheddarhead."

Cheese curd: small pieces of fresh cheese that squeak when you bite into them; a parish picnic favorite when deep fried.

Come-here-once: a beckoning call to another Cheddarhead.

Couple-two-tree: more than one; as in "Delmer and I drank a couple-two-tree beers."

Cripes: a Wisconsin expletive.

Cripes-sake: a mild Wisconsin expletive.

Cry-yiy!: a bit stronger expletive.

Cry-yiy-yiy!: a much stronger expletive.

Crymany-cripes-sake: a wild Wisconsin expletive.

D: a substitute for words beginning with "TH;" as in"Dat guy over dere in dah Bears shirt is a FIB."

Da OR Dah: used in place of "the", almost the same rules as D.

Davenport: what your mom called the sofa; a couch.

Dere: used in place of "there". Same rule applies to all "th" words - see D

Fair-to-midlin: not bad or great, just "O.K."

FIB: acronym (three words) for our neighbors sout of the state line - middle word is "Illinois".

Fish fry: a Friday night dining ritual in Wisconsin.

Farm & Fleet: a Cheddarhead's answer to Bloomingdales.

Frozen tundra: Lambeau Field.

Geeez!: Another Wisconsin expletive.
Gohead: proceed; as in, "gohead and back up your car."

Gots: used in place of "have;" as in, "I gots my tickets to watch da Packers play on da Frozen Tundra."

Guldarn: another Wisconsin expletive.

Hey: placed at the beginning or end of phrases for emphasis, as in "Hey, how 'bout them Packers?" or "How 'bout them Packers, hey?"

Holy-cry-yiy!: as in, "wow!"

How's-by-you?: a greeting; the same as, "How's everything?"

Humdinger: a beauty; as in "dat crappy youse caught upnort is a real humdinger."

John Deere: a Cheddarhead's other vehicle.

M'walkey: Wisconsin's largest city; located just down the lake from Trivers and Mantwoc.

N'so?: a word inserted at the end of a statement; used as a substitute for "right?" or "correct?"

Oh, yah: depending on emphasis, it's either used as acknowledgment (as "That's correct") or skepticism (That's bull!).

Parish picnics: social events of the summer upnort.

Pert-neer: near; in close proximity; just about.

Polka: what you do at parish picnics.

Rubbers: protection for your shoes; also known as "galoshes."

Sconsin: the state where Cheeseheads are from.

Schmear: when someone piles on points when playing Sheepshead.

Sheepshead: a card game.

Side-by-each: used instead of, "next to each other."
Skeeter: Wisconsin state bird.

Smelt: used in place of "smelled", also a fish that you catch in nets.

Soda: a non-alcoholic drink such as coke, pepsi, etc. Everywhere else it means club soda.

Sout: the direction you travel from Wisconsin to find lots of FIBs.

Start wit me last: to forfeit your turn, "go ahead of me", or "you go first".

Stop-and-go lights: what everyone else refers to as traffic signals.

Tirdy: same as "thirty", and used on all numbers from 30 thru 39. Exception to the "D"rule, similar to "tink" and "tousand"..

Uff-dah: affirmative; as in "that's right!"

Un-thaw: to defrost.

Where-bouts: locality; proximity; as in, "where-bouts are youse guys from?"

Upnort: where Wisconsinites go on vacation.

Up-side right: right side up.

Vince: the other Green Bay icon who doesn't need a last name for recognition; (see "Bart").

Whozitz: a thing.

Yah-hey: affirmative; as in "uff-dah."

You-betcha: affirmative; as in "Yah-hey."

Youse: pronounced "YOOS;" it means "you" as in "are youse guys goin' up nort?"

Youper: someone from ever further upnort than you.