jack's smirking revenge
05-17-2006, 11:08 AM
DENVER (PR) -- New Denver Broncos millionaire wide receiver Javon Walker isn't one to be shy. He blasts future Hall of Fame quarterbacks, berates small-town football cities, drives a Hummer that you could fit a Boeing 747 into, and sports adequate bling at all times. After one Pro Bowl season and a devastating injury, you'd think the football player would walk the walk of humility. On the contrary, Walker apparently walks nowhere.
Yesterday, Javon was sighted at Denver's Cherry Creek mall in a most unusual way: hoisted aloft in a golden throne fit for a king carried by four massive, suit-styled bodyguards and surrounded by his loyal Walker posse. Trailed by a throng of autograph-seeking fans, he visited Saks Fifth Avenue, Burberry, Tommy Bahamas and Urban Outfitters, never laying a foot on the tile or carpet. Mall security attempted to persuade Mr. Walker and his train to vacate the premises, but were rebuffed by his "I'm Javon" attitude and by a thick wad of Benjamins.
"You don't understand. This is part of my rehab," he told gun-wielding Mall Security Officer Brent Potant. "My Achilles tendon is very tender." When asked how rehab was progressing on his injured ACL, he looked confused and stated, "My head's fine. Doctors have cleared me for action. I'm ready to show the state of Arizona that I'm the best receiver in the league."
When corrected by mall walker Jane Schultz-Beethoven that the Broncos are actually in Colorado, Javon looked confused and replied, "It don't matter what state I'm in. What matters is I'm the best receiver in the league and I've got family to feed. The forty million contract will do, but I'm looking into other avenues, other possibilities. I'm looking into opening up a Steakhouse here in Phoenix. I'm also looking into opening up a club downtown called "Skywalker". It's gonna have a Star Wars theme with pictures of me all over. I got this huge, neon picture of me fighting Darth Vader. It's gonna be off da hook."
After signing a few autographs, Javon was then carried down an escalator to his stretch Hummer. His throne and posse were loaded into another Hummer that followed behind.
"I foresee him catching 30 touchdowns this year," said Broncos enthusiast Jim Collette as Javon's police and helicopter-escorted caravan drove away. "He's going to be a star. He's just saving his best stuff for the field. I'm glad that he doesn't walk anywhere. I wouldn't want him aggravating his turf toe."
Copyright 2006, Packer Rats - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.
Yesterday, Javon was sighted at Denver's Cherry Creek mall in a most unusual way: hoisted aloft in a golden throne fit for a king carried by four massive, suit-styled bodyguards and surrounded by his loyal Walker posse. Trailed by a throng of autograph-seeking fans, he visited Saks Fifth Avenue, Burberry, Tommy Bahamas and Urban Outfitters, never laying a foot on the tile or carpet. Mall security attempted to persuade Mr. Walker and his train to vacate the premises, but were rebuffed by his "I'm Javon" attitude and by a thick wad of Benjamins.
"You don't understand. This is part of my rehab," he told gun-wielding Mall Security Officer Brent Potant. "My Achilles tendon is very tender." When asked how rehab was progressing on his injured ACL, he looked confused and stated, "My head's fine. Doctors have cleared me for action. I'm ready to show the state of Arizona that I'm the best receiver in the league."
When corrected by mall walker Jane Schultz-Beethoven that the Broncos are actually in Colorado, Javon looked confused and replied, "It don't matter what state I'm in. What matters is I'm the best receiver in the league and I've got family to feed. The forty million contract will do, but I'm looking into other avenues, other possibilities. I'm looking into opening up a Steakhouse here in Phoenix. I'm also looking into opening up a club downtown called "Skywalker". It's gonna have a Star Wars theme with pictures of me all over. I got this huge, neon picture of me fighting Darth Vader. It's gonna be off da hook."
After signing a few autographs, Javon was then carried down an escalator to his stretch Hummer. His throne and posse were loaded into another Hummer that followed behind.
"I foresee him catching 30 touchdowns this year," said Broncos enthusiast Jim Collette as Javon's police and helicopter-escorted caravan drove away. "He's going to be a star. He's just saving his best stuff for the field. I'm glad that he doesn't walk anywhere. I wouldn't want him aggravating his turf toe."
Copyright 2006, Packer Rats - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.