Jokes

[Tarlam!]

Thought we should have a joke thread....

[Tarlam!]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

[Iron Mike]

The man that invented the "Hokey Pokey" dance died last week.

Funeral Directors had to re-schedule his showing several times, as there

was a problem after he was embalmed. While moving the corpse from the

embalming table to the casket, they'd put his right foot in.........he'd take

his right foot out, etc.....

[Tarlam!]

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Look, Bartender, I aint got no money, but I wanna drink. I aint got no money, but, I have a mouse that can play the piano. Will that do for payment?"

The Bartender looks pretty amazed, but says "Sure, Mate, if the mouse is any good, you can have a few on the house"

So, the drunk walks over to the piano over in the corner, pulls a cute little white mouse outta his pocket and places it on the piano keys. He leans down and whispers "Beethoven's 5th if you don't mind"

With that, the mouse launches into a beautiful rendition of Beethoven's 5th Symphony! He's perfect and all the guests and the Bartender are absolutely amazed. The drunk gets paid in liquids all night and the mouse plays anything anybody requests.

Everybody's Happy!

Next night, the drunk walks into the same bar. Says, "Look, Bartender, I aint got no money, but I wanna drink. I aint got no money, but, I have a mouse that can play the piano. Will that do for payment?"

The Bartender says, "Sorry Mate, but we've seen that mouse. We think he's a great talent, but, well, come back next month"

But the drunk wants to drink tonight, so he says, "Well, what about if I let my frog sing for ya?"

The Bartender says "You have a singing frog?" The drunk nods. The Bartender says "O.K. well, if the frog's as good as the mouse, let's give it a go".

With that the drunk walks over to the piano over in the corner, pulls his cute little white mouse outta his pocket and places it on the piano keys. He then pulls outta his other pocket this big green tree frog and sits it on top of the piano. He leans down and whispers "Boys, how about a bit of 'old Blue Eyes?"

The mouse jumps into action on the piano and the frog croons out his version of "I Did It My Way" far better then even Frank Sinatra!

The mouse and the frog are perfect and all the guests and the Bartender are absolutely amazed. The drunk gets paid in liquids all night and the mouse plays anything and the frog sings anything anybody requests.

Everybody's Happy!

Anyways, there's this bloke leaning on the bar next to the drunk and he says to the drunk "How much do ya want for the frog". The drunk says, "Awe, it's a pretty special frog, I couldn't sell him for less than 20 bucks."

The bloke can't believe his luck and says "Done!" He pays him the 20 bucks, stuffs the frog in his pocket and scurries on out.

The Bartender walks over to the drunk and says "Mate, are you stupid? That frog was worth maybe millions, and you just sold it for a measly 20 bucks?"

The drunk says, " Nah, the frog wasn't worth much. Y'see, the mouse is a ventriloquist!"

[Badgepack]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna
start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was
gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your
fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around
like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started

[Deputy Nutz]

Where do you find a dog with no legs


Right where you left it.

[Mazzin]

May be old.....

A drunk man staggers into a Church and sits down in a confessional box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs a few times to attract his attention, but the man still says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking man, there's no paper on this side either."

[Mazzin]

May not be PG...but Damned funny





A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

[Mazzin]

Bit longer






One day Pete was complaining to his friend 'my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor'. His friend said 'Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.' Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks. Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!

[Mazzin]

Last one than I'm gone till later tonight.




The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[jack's smirking revenge]

Funny stuff all. Keep up the chuckles!

tyler

[hurleyfan]

A Little "immigration" humor

A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the
exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must
have it.

He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back,"
said the owner.

The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I
won't be bringing it back."

As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a
few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following
him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a
little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind
him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.

He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and
saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and
they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as
far out into the Harbor as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and
were drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the
owner,
"You're bringing it back !"
"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for
that little bronze Mexican over there."

[hurleyfan]

Where do you find a dog with no legs


Right where you left it.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?



Matt

[Joemailman]

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day. Clinton goes to heaven and the Pope goes to hell. The Pope can't believe it. After a while, he sees Satan come walking by. He asks Satan, "What's going on here? Clinton goes to heaven and I go to hell?" "Hmmm... that does seem strange. Let me look into into it, and I'll get back to you", says Satan. After a while, Satan returns. "Yeah, you were right", he says. "We got the paperwork screwed up. You're supposed to go to heaven and Clinton's supposed to go to hell. We'll have you switch places this afternoon." Later, as they are about to switch places, the Pope says to Clinton, "I'm sorry about your ultimate demise. But, I mean, I'm the Pope! I've waited all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." Clinton says, "Well, you're about 15 minuted too late!"

[Iron Mike]

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

--Right where you left it.

Oldie but goodie--What do you do with a dog with no legs?

--Take it for a drag.

What do you call a dog with only two legs?

--Tippy.

[Joemailman]

What do you call a guy with no legs or arms floating in a swimming pool? Bob

What do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen

What's an Irishman's version of foreplay? "Brace yourself Bridget!"

A woman runs into a police station and yells "Help me, I've been raped by an Irishman!" "How do you know it was an Irishman?", asks the officer. "Because I had to help him", she exclaims.

What do Jews do during the St. Patrick's Day Parade? Walk over to the window and watch their employees march.

What do an elephant and a plum have in common? They're both purple except for the elephant.

[pacfan]

Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean.

So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[pacfan]

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused! and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute

[Homer Jay]

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he aint coming anyway.

What do you call a dog with no rear legs and brass balls? Sparky.

What do you call a dog with no rear legs, brass balls and a urinary problem? Rusty.

[Tarlam!]

Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies...

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.