MST Reports: Favre to stay retired

[ThunderDan]

Brett Favre will be returning to the NFL this week with the Minnesota Vikings, according to my sources. There is also a chance Favre will not be returning to the NFL this week with the Vikings, according to my sources. In either case, here is an up-to-the-minute timeline of Favre's twist-and-turn life since his original retirement announcement on March 6, 2008:

• Favre tearfully announces his retirement at Green Bay press conference.

• Favre says a possible comeback is all “rumor.”

• Favre calls Packers coach Mike McCarthy and tells him he will stay retired.

• Favre sees NBC's Peter King at Starbucks, buys him a grande caffe mocha and tells him he definitely is retiring.

• Favre wants to come to Packers training camp.

• Favre is traded to the New York Jets.

• Favre calls King during halftime of the Jets-Bills game and tells him he will retire at the end of the third quarter.

• Favre completes season with the Jets, then announces retirement again.

• Favre asks Jets to release him just in case he wants to sign with another team.

• Favre calls King and tells him he's retiring for at least five days, maybe longer.

• Favre gets arthroscopic surgery on his right shoulder while looking at carpet swatches for his pool room.

• Favre walks into CVS and buys Ben Gay.

• Scrambling for a parking spot at Home Depot, Favre throws his car up for grabs.

• ESPN's Ed Werder reports Favre was rubbing his right arm while dining at Applebee's in Clinton, Miss.

• Favre walks onto the set of SportsCenter and tells Neil Everett he can retire again that evening if they are having a slow news day.

• ESPN's John Clayton reports Favre has six fingers on his right (throwing) hand and five fingers on his left (non-throwing) hand.

• Werder reports Favre has five fingers on his right (throwing) hand and six fingers on his left (non-throwing) hand.

• Favre goes on HBO's Joe Buck Live and shows he has five fingers on each hand but says he hasn't thrown a football in four months.

• ESPN's John Clayton reports that Werder was on the phone with Sal Paolantonio while he was leaving a voicemail for Favre.

• ESPN's Chris Mortensen confirms Charles Lindbergh's baby has been kidnapped.

• Favre, house-hunting in Eden Prairie, runs into one of his errant passes from a December '03 Packers-at-Vikings game.

• Brett Favre's Steakhouse in Green Bay changes its menu for the third time in 16 months.

• Favre switches from DirecTV to Dish Network.

• Favre, casting out for walleye in Little Sioux, Iowa, overthrows lake.

• Favre calls John Madden and tries to talk him out of retirement.

• Fox's Jay Glazer reports Favre is lifting weights that Glazer gave him.

• NBC's King spills coffee on his notes from his most recent phone conversation with Favre.

• Favre tells a close friend he doesn't think he wants to wear pants any more.

• Favre walks away from Wrangler, begins discreet talks with Dockers.

• At their monthly Retirees Anonymous meeting, Favre aggravates arm injury exchanging playful punches with Sugar Ray Leonard.

• ESPN reports Favre is talking to the Dalai Lama about a consulting position.

• Favre practices Hamlet's Act Three, Scene 1 soliloquy.

• Favre calls Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, asks operator if players can be inducted while still active.

• Favre fills out an application for Greenpeace.

• Favre cancels life insurance, gambling he might live forever.

• Favre and wife, Deanna, discuss renewing vows, but he puts its off until shoulder is fully healed.

• Vikings officials watch Favre throw for 15 minutes at local high school.

• Vikings officials watch Favre parallel-park for five minutes at a local barbershop.

• Vikings officials watch Favre throw off the media for 45 minutes.

• Favre spurns Vikings, signs deal to split time between L.A. Galaxy and AC Milan.

That KY is truly funny and awesome...This seems like a Fritz type of post, but sobeit, that cut and paste just went out to numerous peeps on email.

Great stuff! LMFAO!

That's Norman Chad's work. One of the two "voices" for the WSOP on ESPN.

[MadScientist]

That KY is truly funny and awesome...This seems like a Fritz type of post, but sobeit, that cut and paste just went out to numerous peeps on email.

Great stuff! LMFAO!

That's Norman Chad's work. One of the two "voices" for the WSOP on ESPN.

There simply aren't enough column inches to cover all of Favre's chages of heart.

[MOBB DEEP]

I don't know, babe, I've never once retired and then asked for my job back.

You haven't worked long enough

And I'm guessing none of us has been in position to retire from our livlihood while in their 30's and have to wonder what the hell I'm going to do with the next 60 years!

spot on.....

[KYPack]

Snake, Pug, and TD, as noted, I copped that timeline from Norman Chad. Gave 'im credit in my original post.

Fritz, me, and others on here are about half funny, but Norman Chad can be a flat-out scream.

[Fritz]

Snake, Pug, and TD, as noted, I copped that timeline from Norman Chad. Gave 'im credit in my original post.

Fritz, me, and others on here are about half funny, but Norman Chad can be a flat-out scream.

Speak for yourself, old man. I am often five-eighths funny.

[Scott Campbell]

Snake, Pug, and TD, as noted, I copped that timeline from Norman Chad. Gave 'im credit in my original post.

Fritz, me, and others on here are about half funny, but Norman Chad can be a flat-out scream.

Speak for yourself, old man. I am often five-eighths funny.

Yeah, but he's that way intentionally.

[KYPack]

Snake, Pug, and TD, as noted, I copped that timeline from Norman Chad. Gave 'im credit in my original post.

Fritz, me, and others on here are about half funny, but Norman Chad can be a flat-out scream.

Speak for yourself, old man. I am often five-eighths funny.

When wazzat?

SC, you are very often 30% funny.

[Scott Campbell]

Snake, Pug, and TD, as noted, I copped that timeline from Norman Chad. Gave 'im credit in my original post.

Fritz, me, and others on here are about half funny, but Norman Chad can be a flat-out scream.

Speak for yourself, old man. I am often five-eighths funny.

When wazzat?

SC, you are very often 30% funny.

My average must be coming up.

[Pugger]

Snake, Pug, and TD, as noted, I copped that timeline from Norman Chad. Gave 'im credit in my original post.

Fritz, me, and others on here are about half funny, but Norman Chad can be a flat-out scream.

I got a kick out of it tho!

[Fritz]

Two points from me:

1. The point kept coming up that Favre felt he couldn't hold up for a full season. Does this suggest he might be able to hold up for, say, ten or twelve games?

2. Will the Favre clan call 1265 Lombardi and strongly, strongly suggest that the Packers immediately set up the retirement-of-the-jersey game for the Minny home game, so the family already has rooms booked for that one?

[woodbuck27]

not even Patler predicted this one

B. His decision didn't surprize nor shock me.

[Scott Campbell]

not even Patler predicted this one

B. His decision didn't surprize nor shock me.

Gotta give Woody his props on this. He did state that he thought Favre might take a pass on the putrid purple.

[MJZiggy]

*AHEM* He wasn't the only one!!!

[Bretsky]

not even Patler predicted this one

B. His decision didn't surprize nor shock me.

Gotta give Woody his props on this. He did state that he thought Favre might take a pass on the putrid purple.

Yes, he did

KUDOS TO WOODY

Perhaps he can join my Kiper Like Draft Prediction Service Next

[SnakeLH2006]

Perhaps he can join my Kiper Like Draft Prediction Service Next

Umm....maybe I'm lost, but Bret, err...you aren't Mel Kiper?? I always assumed as much.. What?