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"There's a lot of interest in the draft. It's great. But quite frankly, most of the people that are commenting on it don't know anything about what they are talking about."--Ted Thompson
Ole Ted obviously was alluding to the likes of Nutz and Wallbanger. Those two jackals, all they do is sit at their cozy cubicle, a-stealing time and researching prospects by watching Youtube clips. With all due respect, Nutz and Wallbanger's draft dopes stink worse than, and I'm paraphrasing Johnny Depp here, a rotting rose decomposing in the trunk of a Honda Civic.
I, on the other hand, lack a cubicle. Pigs and pig bootlickers (managers like Bobble) refuse to hire me for any white collar gig. However, the thing that makes my draft analyses far more superior than anything Nutz and Wallbanger excrete is, I humbly hold a Master's in Mock Draft from the Mel Kiper Jr. School of College Football Scouting and Hair Design, at the prestigious ESPNU. This summer, I will be defending my doctoral dissertation, "An Argument Against the Drafting of Yokozunas."
Without further ado, these are the players the German Shepherd should draft should they fall to him like the Great Arm of Butte once fell to the Polar Bear.
Rd/Player/Position/Mental Institution/Comment
1a. Chris Olave, WR, Ohio State: 6-0 190, 4.39 40, 27 Wonderlic. Scraggy Cali boi who forced Jameson Williams to enter the transfer portal. Smooth route runner. Sophisticated off the field. Likes to glide in the wind. Erotic footwork has Rex Ryan all pumped up. Poor man's Greg Jennings.
1b. Treylon Burks, WR, Arkansas: 6-3 230, 4.55 40, 25 Wonderlic. Hails from the hills of Arkansas. Hunts wild boars with knife. Redneck. Fond of southern cuisine. Could eat himself out of the NFL; gotta hit the gym more often. Run after catch kung fu ain't bad. Poor man's Terrell Owens.
2a. Chad Muma, ILB, Wyoming: 6-3 230, 4.63 40, 30 Wonderlic. Hails from the hills of Colorado. Has a penchant for stalking QBs. Sleeps with runningbacks. Covers like a safety. White. Poor man's Brian Urlacher.
2b. Tyquan Thorton, WR, Baylor: 6-2 181, 4.28 40, 28 Wonderlic. Tall, slim and shady. Cheetah speed. Route running kung fu ain't too bad. Catches bullets with one hand. #1 on the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives' most wanted list - dude's a legitimate bomb threat. Poor man's MVS.
3. Jalyn Armour-Davis, CB, Alabama: 6-1 197, 4.38 40, 31 Wonderlic. Bump and run specialist. Master of the pistol force. Poor man's Al Harris.
4. Grant Calcaterra, TE, Southern Methodist University: 6-4 241, 4.62 40, 30 Wonderlic. Journey began at Oklahoma. Caught rocks from Mayfield and Murray. Retired from futbol prematurely due to concussion concerns. Subsequently hired as an Emergency Medical Technician @ $20/hr. Resigned subsequently and enrolled SMU. Athletic. RAC kung fu ain't bad. White man's J-Mike.
5. Myjai Sanders, Edge, Cincinnati: 6-5 228, 4.67 40, 21 Wonderlic. 228 lbs of muscle. Needs to consume lots and lots of ice cream. Or switch position to, say, TE. Poor man's Erasmus James.
7a. Smoke Monday, S, Auburn: 6-2, 207, 4.52 40, 2 Wonderlic. Loves futbol as much as Mary Jane. Alpha male mentality. Timid due to stiffness and frequent brain farts. Poor man's Ha Ha Clinton-Dix.
7b. D'Vonte Price, RB, Florida International: 6-1 210, 4.38 40, 20 Wonderlic. Uptight, upright indecisive runner. Could morph into a graceful stallion if ever masters the arts of the tailback position. Has home-run speed. Poor man's Ryan Grant.
7c. Levi Lewis, QB, Louisiana: 5-9 188, 4.62 40, 32 Wonderlic. Little lefty. Agile as a slot WR. Poor man's Kyler Murray.
Ole Ted obviously was alluding to the likes of Nutz and Wallbanger. Those two jackals, all they do is sit at their cozy cubicle, a-stealing time and researching prospects by watching Youtube clips. With all due respect, Nutz and Wallbanger's draft dopes stink worse than, and I'm paraphrasing Johnny Depp here, a rotting rose decomposing in the trunk of a Honda Civic.
I, on the other hand, lack a cubicle. Pigs and pig bootlickers (managers like Bobble) refuse to hire me for any white collar gig. However, the thing that makes my draft analyses far more superior than anything Nutz and Wallbanger excrete is, I humbly hold a Master's in Mock Draft from the Mel Kiper Jr. School of College Football Scouting and Hair Design, at the prestigious ESPNU. This summer, I will be defending my doctoral dissertation, "An Argument Against the Drafting of Yokozunas."
Without further ado, these are the players the German Shepherd should draft should they fall to him like the Great Arm of Butte once fell to the Polar Bear.
Rd/Player/Position/Mental Institution/Comment
1a. Chris Olave, WR, Ohio State: 6-0 190, 4.39 40, 27 Wonderlic. Scraggy Cali boi who forced Jameson Williams to enter the transfer portal. Smooth route runner. Sophisticated off the field. Likes to glide in the wind. Erotic footwork has Rex Ryan all pumped up. Poor man's Greg Jennings.
1b. Treylon Burks, WR, Arkansas: 6-3 230, 4.55 40, 25 Wonderlic. Hails from the hills of Arkansas. Hunts wild boars with knife. Redneck. Fond of southern cuisine. Could eat himself out of the NFL; gotta hit the gym more often. Run after catch kung fu ain't bad. Poor man's Terrell Owens.
2a. Chad Muma, ILB, Wyoming: 6-3 230, 4.63 40, 30 Wonderlic. Hails from the hills of Colorado. Has a penchant for stalking QBs. Sleeps with runningbacks. Covers like a safety. White. Poor man's Brian Urlacher.
2b. Tyquan Thorton, WR, Baylor: 6-2 181, 4.28 40, 28 Wonderlic. Tall, slim and shady. Cheetah speed. Route running kung fu ain't too bad. Catches bullets with one hand. #1 on the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives' most wanted list - dude's a legitimate bomb threat. Poor man's MVS.
3. Jalyn Armour-Davis, CB, Alabama: 6-1 197, 4.38 40, 31 Wonderlic. Bump and run specialist. Master of the pistol force. Poor man's Al Harris.
4. Grant Calcaterra, TE, Southern Methodist University: 6-4 241, 4.62 40, 30 Wonderlic. Journey began at Oklahoma. Caught rocks from Mayfield and Murray. Retired from futbol prematurely due to concussion concerns. Subsequently hired as an Emergency Medical Technician @ $20/hr. Resigned subsequently and enrolled SMU. Athletic. RAC kung fu ain't bad. White man's J-Mike.
5. Myjai Sanders, Edge, Cincinnati: 6-5 228, 4.67 40, 21 Wonderlic. 228 lbs of muscle. Needs to consume lots and lots of ice cream. Or switch position to, say, TE. Poor man's Erasmus James.
7a. Smoke Monday, S, Auburn: 6-2, 207, 4.52 40, 2 Wonderlic. Loves futbol as much as Mary Jane. Alpha male mentality. Timid due to stiffness and frequent brain farts. Poor man's Ha Ha Clinton-Dix.
7b. D'Vonte Price, RB, Florida International: 6-1 210, 4.38 40, 20 Wonderlic. Uptight, upright indecisive runner. Could morph into a graceful stallion if ever masters the arts of the tailback position. Has home-run speed. Poor man's Ryan Grant.
7c. Levi Lewis, QB, Louisiana: 5-9 188, 4.62 40, 32 Wonderlic. Little lefty. Agile as a slot WR. Poor man's Kyler Murray.
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