We need a bit of levity........joke time

[packinpatland]

Someone just sent this to me.......it's probably been posted before, but still....it's funny.

Grandmas Don't Know Everything:

Tony had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he
came into the house and asked, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when
two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the
truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the
other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunkbeds, and Jimmy's mom
wants to talk to you.'

[Freak Out]

Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees'!

'What powerful rivers'!

'What beautiful animals'!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent .

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don'texist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

[Freak Out]

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

[Freak Out]

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

[Freak Out]

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

[Freak Out]

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

[Freak Out]

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgot his watch. He searches for someone who could give him the time.

He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. "Excuse me, sir," says the young man "Do you know what time it is?"

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.

"Mmmmm, it is about 3:00," the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, "How did you know that?" The zoo keeper looks back at the man, "I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you."

[MadtownPacker]

[3irty1]

A vampire walks into a bar and asks for a cup of hot water.

The bartender says "No problem, but don't you guys usually drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."

[gex]

Freak Out Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject:

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Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's "G-spot"?


.......................Men will actually search for a golf ball!

[Tyrone Bigguns]

Freak Out Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's "G-spot"?


.......................Men will actually search for a golf ball!

Question: How do you know when a woman has had an orgasm?

Answer: Who cares!

[MJZiggy]

And men wonder why they don't get laid more...

[Tyrone Bigguns]

And men wonder why they don't get laid more...

Let them wonder.

Ty profits from their stupidity.

[Tarlam!]

A homeless man enters a bar. He is dressed in shoddy clothes and has clearly not seen a shelter in days. Ambling up to the bar, he demands to see the manager.

"See here, my good Sir, I have a business proposition for you." The manager is a kind soul and asks what's on the drunk's mind.

"I have a white mouse in my pocket. My mouse can play the piano. If my mouse plays for the house, I would want to drink myself stupid as compensation".

"A piano playing mouse? You're on!" said the manager

The drunk hobbles over to the piano, dives into his pocket with his hand and produces a white mouse. He carefully places the mouse on the keys and whispers "Beethoven's 5th".

Immediately thereupon, the mouse starts running up and down the keys and pounded out the 5th Symphony. Then, the mouse played blues, jazz, rock and requests from the swelling audience. All the while the mouse's owner sat at the bar and indulged himself gleefully.

The next day, the patron with the mouse entered the establishment anew and demanded to speak to the manager.

"We've seen the mouse and, well, the show is old, no deal".

The patron said "Ah, but I have a frog. My frog can sing like Frank Sinatra".

Hobbling over to the grand piano, he pull the mouse from his pocket and placed it on the keys. He then pulled a green frog from his other pocket and propt it up on the piano.

He spoke softly "Boys, I did it my way". The mouse thumped out the melody and the frog belted out the tune in a way that brought tears to the eyes of every witness. It was a gala performance, as if "Ol' Blue Eyes" himself were present. Any description would lack authenticity.

All the while the mouse's and Frog's owner sat at the bar and indulged himself gleefully

Seeing a business opportunity, a man in the audience approached the patron "I'll give you $100 dollars for that frog".

The drunk eyed the man from top to bottom. Finally, he said "Done" and the frog was sold.

The bar manager witnessed this. He had said nothing, but, his conscience finally forced him to react. "How could you sell that frog for a lousy hundred bucks? That frog sings like Frank Sinatra. That frog is worth millions!"

To which the patron replied "The frog?. The frog is worthless. The mouse is a ventriloquist"

[GBRulz]

And men wonder why they don't get laid more...

Let them wonder.

Ty profits from their stupidity.

So you ARE Dimitri the Lover!!!