Tasteless Joke #1

[Deputy Nutz]

A trucker comes home from a long haul and when he gets to the kitchen his wife does not have dinner on the table. He asks her why she has not fixed him dinner and she replied that she didn't feel like it and she shouldn't be forced to do that...He then asked her "how would you like to not see me for three days?" She replied, "That would be wonderful"

The first day goes by and she doesn't see him, the second day she still does not see him...finally on the third day she can just barely see him out of her left eye

[Partial]

[Freak Out]

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

[packinpatland]

Not so tasteless.........

The young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth ov er $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

[sheepshead]

> I was a very happy man.
>
> My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we
> decided to get married. There was only one
> little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
> younger sister.
>
> My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
> tight
> miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.She would regularly
> bend down when she was near me and of course...
>
> I always got more than a nice view. It had to
> be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
> near anyone else.
>
> One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
> come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
> alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
> had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
> overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
> before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
>
> Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
> She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and
> if
> you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
> me.'
>
> I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
> up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
> and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
> opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
> Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
> outside, all=2 0clapping!
>
> With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
> said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
> man for our daughter test . Welcome to the family.'
>
> And the moral of this story is:
> Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Charles Woodson]

any of you check out Fmylife.com?
they have got some pretty funny shit

Today, at the dinner table my parents were talking to my younger sister about her new boyfriend and how they should be taking it slow. My sister then pointed out that that's not what I do. My dad said, "Believe me I know- your sister's easier to get into than community college." FML


Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

[Jimx29]

Questionable taste at best:

My Mother has severe Alzheimers. Not such a bad deal though since she can hide her own Easter eggs

[GrnBay007]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,


'Damn,


'Damn !'


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.


'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.



The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'



Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'



'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.

[sheepshead]

Woman's in a coma.
They are giving her sponge baths in the hospital, when they see she is responding to touches in her "private" area. They do this a few times with the same result.
The doctor calls in her husband and explains the news. They determine that the husband should have oral sex with his wife. The medical team will monitor her vital signs from another room and give them privacy.

The husband and wife are alone. The medical team is monitoring the wife's signs when suddenly she flat lines!!

They rush in. "what happened, what happened, she was doing so well??"





husband: She choked.

[SnakeLH2006]

Great Thread....Snake loves random tasteless jokes at no one's expense:

At a comedy club a female heckler started mouthing off at the
comedians until one of them responded, "Why do you come here
and interfere with me while I'm doing my job. I don't come to your
workplace and kick cocks out of your mouth, do I?"

[Deputy Nutz]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?











Because,

It was fucking dead!

[woodbuck27]

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

WOW ! .....Give me a break and the picture of that going into my sweet brain.

I'd be hard tested to top that really bad tasteless joke.

What a challenge. mmmmmm



Let me work on it

[woodbuck27]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, .... cont'd Post #8.

Where is she?

I loved GrnBay007's Irish joke.


That joke made me a tad homesick for 'the Maritimes':

So ......your planning a trip to the Maritimes....( NB, PEI or NS on the East Coast of Canada). You'll need a tip on how to communicate with some you'll meet down there then.

Maritimers speak at a speed that can only be compared to an episode of Gilmore Girls cast with leprechauns on crank.

When in doubt, the rule of thumb is: Fake it till you make it. No fisherman is going to dissect the minutiae of what you’re trying to say, so if you’re stuck casually throw in a few nonsensical nautical-sounding phrases like “flipper dipper” or “thar she blows!” Keep up with the pace and no one will second-guess you.

If you find yourself utterly speechless, stuff your face full of dulse and you'll come off sounding so sweet ....they’ll think your dad was the mayor of Mary's Cove.

[/COLOR][/SIZE]The morning after:

Maritime hunter out last night for 'the Early Spring Bear Hunt':

“Holee Jaysus Murphy me gud frisnd....... she was some frickin’ cold and a pocketful of shittin' NO luck yester’ night, I’ll tell ya right now Bye.”

[woodbuck27]

OK here goes:

Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mother arrive at the Pearly gates.

St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a happier place to be."

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know, Pete, if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a happier place."

"Not bad," says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"

The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, shoots a full bottle of water into her vagina and lets it gush all over the floor.

"Excellent! You're in!" says St Peter.

"Hold on a minute!" says Freddie. "She didn't even say anything!"

"Fred, you know the rules," says St Peter..... "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens."

[mraynrand]

I don't like jokes about works righteousness.