2019 My Mastery Mockery of a Draft

[Guest]

At the abyss of oblivion
I found solace in solitude
From the wreckage of a tyrant
I launched a revolution for you

Each and every fucking game
You nuked 'em all just the fucking same
Fucking nuke here, fucking nuke there
A nuke for the majestic Polar Bear

Chorus:
Man, what's with Negroids doing country
What's with Caucasoids doing hip-hop
What's with Mongoloids doing metal
Man, this world's gotten so interfucked

It is time to arm the Great Arm of Butte with many a-WMDs. These are the players the German Shepherd should draft should they fall to him like the GAB did to Todd in 2005.

Rd/Pos/Player/Mental Institution/Comment:

1. WR DK Metcalf, Ole Miss - 6'4", 230 lbs, 4.3 40, 35 Wonderlic. Metcalf is a fucking hulk with speed, and he's smart as fuck. The math likes Metcalf being the next great NFL diva wideout. Imagine the greying GAB throwing to a in-his-prime Megatron.

1. RB Josh Jacobs, Alabama - 5'10", not quite as fat as former 'Tide great Eddie "The Hog" Lacy. 40 is pathetic. One-cut runner, which the Frog, the new Packer coach, desires. Can catch. Poor man's Terrell Davis.

2. WR Riley Ridley, Georgia - 6'1", 200 lbs. 40 is pathetic. Excellent route runner. If Greg Jennings and James Jones had an offspring together, Ridley would be the byproduct. Could find a malleable niche in the slot.

3. WR Andy Isabella, UMass - 5'9", 188 lbs. 40 is even better than Metcalf's. Quick as a cat. The stereotypical white slot man, although checking out pics of Isabelle, the dude sure fucking looks like he's 1/10th black.

4. OLB Porter Gustin, USC - 6'4" 255 lbs. 4.69 40. Has the motor, the blond hair, the pale skin and even the milksopiness of, you guessed it, the Claymaker. Like the Claymaker, when self-motivated, Gustin is a wrecking ball. Like the Claymaker, when his hair ain't pretty, he would rather sleep in than show up for the game. Poor man's Claymaker.

4. TE Moreau Foster, LSU - 6'4" 253 lbs, 4.66 40. The Frogs likes blocking TEs. Not a J-Mike route runner. Should sell jerseys since Packer fans have a nostalgic, northern comfort for white players, a la Falcon fans having nostalgic, southern comforts for black players. Poor man's Owen Daniels.

5. S Zedrick Woods, Ole Miss - 5'11, 205 lbs. 4.29 40. Faster than the speed of fuck. A 'free.' Poor man's Nick Collins.

6. Sione Takitaki, ILB, Brigham Young - 6'1, 238 lbs. 4.63 40. Initially, a thug. Samurai attitude got him kicked off the team briefly. Suspended temporarily for violating team rules after getting reinstated. Then Takitaki found love and God.

6. K Matt Gay, Utah - A Mormon with an extremely strong leg. Has 5 wives.

7. QB Ty Gangi, Nevada - 6'2", 217 lbs. The Luis Pertz of this year's draft.

[jklowan]

dumbest post ever, even by your standards

[Anti-Polar Bear]

dumbest post ever, even by your standards

The Falcons have the "Rise Up" rallying cry. The Panthers, "Keep Pounding."

If German Shepherd pulls off this draft, the Packers should go with, "Nuke 'Em All." Packers would be so nuclear with so many WMDs (Rodgers, Adams, Metcalf, Isabella, oh my!)

[run pMc]

So draft a Poor Man's Terrell Davis, Claymaker, Owen Daniels, and Nick Collins? The Combine Bros say NOICE.

[Anti-Polar Bear]

So draft a Poor Man's Terrell Davis, Claymaker, Owen Daniels, and Nick Collins? The Combine Bros say NOICE.

At least they ain’t fat.

Some of you clueless draftnutz want to draft Yokozuna Left Tackle, Yokozuna Nose Tackle, especially in the 1st round. Fuck that shit, yo!

I subscribe to the Mike Sherman School of Hard Abs. As Sherman did when he was GM, you absolutely do NOT draft fat guys in the 1st. In my case, I’d not draft one at all in an entire draft.

Playing the O-Line is all about techniques. Peter Griffin could be signed off the streets of Baltimore, and he would make a solid LT with proper technique. Fat defensive linemen who can consistently penetrate the A, B, C, D gaps in 3 seconds or less are rarer than an impotent peacock in Antarctica.

In a passing league, hotshot QBs not named Aaron Rodgers get rid of the rock in 3 seconds or less. Any fat guy with proper technique should be capable of blocking for 3 seconds. Likewise, you’ll find an impotent peacock in Antarctica before you find a fat guy who can penetrate gaps in 3 seconds.

In the 1st, give me an exotic WR, a hotshot QB, a shutdown corner, a mofo safety, a poet OLB, an Urlacher. Don’t give me a fat guy.

[Anti-Polar Bear]

Check out these 2 clips. Remind ya of a couple of former Pack greats, don't they?

[Anti-Polar Bear]

Fuck Bush and Oba, err, White. The Samurai should be there in the 6th. Dude is a wrecking ball. Ole Bretsky is still feeling the hits from the BYU-Wisc game (1:38 mark).

[mraynrand]

Gustin

Gustin doesn't look as quick and roided up as Clay. But he does seem to be able to sack the QB without picking up a personal foul. Love the clips of him sacking Keyser Söze. Keyser: once indecisive always indecisive I guess.

[run pMc]

Gustin doesn't look as quick and roided up as Clay. But he does seem to be able to sack the QB without picking up a personal foul. Love the clips of him sacking Keyser Söze. Keyser: once indecisive always indecisive I guess.

Gustin also can't stay healthy, so he should at least be an honorary pick.

[Anti-Polar Bear]

Gustin doesn't look as quick and roided up as Clay. But he does seem to be able to sack the QB without picking up a personal foul. Love the clips of him sacking Keyser Söze. Keyser: once indecisive always indecisive I guess.

Hence, poor man’s Claymaker. Gustin doesn’t quite have Claymakers blood in the water chase. But a poor man’s Claymaker is probably an upgrade over Gilbert.

Btw, I ain’t seen Usual Suspects yet.

[Anti-Polar Bear]

Rd/Pos/Player/Mental Institution/Comment:

1. WR DK Metcalf, Ole Miss - 6'4", 230 lbs, 4.3 40, 35 Wonderlic. Metcalf is a fucking hulk with speed, and he's smart as fuck. The math likes Metcalf being the next great NFL diva wideout. Imagine the greying GAB throwing to a in-his-prime Megatron.

1. RB Josh Jacobs, Alabama - 5'10", not quite as fat as former 'Tide great Eddie "The Hog" Lacy. 40 is pathetic. One-cut runner, which the Frog, the new Packer coach, desires. Can catch. Poor man's Terrell Davis.

2. WR Riley Ridley, Georgia - 6'1", 200 lbs. 40 is pathetic. Excellent route runner. If Greg Jennings and James Jones had an offspring together, Ridley would be the byproduct. Could find a malleable niche in the slot.

3. WR Andy Isabella, UMass - 5'9", 188 lbs. 40 is even better than Metcalf's. Quick as a cat. The stereotypical white slot man, although checking out pics of Isabelle, the dude sure fucking looks like he's 1/10th black.

4. OLB Porter Gustin, USC - 6'4" 255 lbs. 4.69 40. Has the motor, the blond hair, the pale skin and even the milksopiness of, you guessed it, the Claymaker. Like the Claymaker, when self-motivated, Gustin is a wrecking ball. Like the Claymaker, when his hair ain't pretty, he would rather sleep in than show up for the game. Poor man's Claymaker.

4. TE Moreau Foster, LSU - 6'4" 253 lbs, 4.66 40. The Frogs likes blocking TEs. Not a J-Mike route runner. Should sell jerseys since Packer fans have a nostalgic, northern comfort for white players, a la Falcon fans having nostalgic, southern comforts for black players. Poor man's Owen Daniels.

5. S Zedrick Woods, Ole Miss - 5'11, 205 lbs. 4.29 40. Faster than the speed of fuck. A 'free.' Poor man's Nick Collins.

6. Sione Takitaki, ILB, Brigham Young - 6'1, 238 lbs. 4.63 40. Initially, a thug. Samurai attitude got him kicked off the team briefly. Suspended temporarily for violating team rules after getting reinstated. Then Takitaki found love and God.

6. K Matt Gay, Utah - A Mormon with an extremely strong leg. Has 5 wives.

7. QB Ty Gangi, Nevada - 6'2", 217 lbs. The Luis Pertz of this year's draft.

What a draft. Proof of my ingenuity.

Stay tuned for my ingenious 2021 My Mastery Mockery of a Draft.

[texaspackerbacker]

You did get it right with Metcalf and Jacobs, even though the Packers are arguably as well or better off with what they have than those two. Beyond that, it went down hill in a hurry - a combined 68 receptions in two years for Ridley, Isabella, and Moreau, for example. Takitaki was fairly decent his second season. Other than that, there wasn't much.

[Upnorth]

Swapping savage for Jacobs is a downgrade imo. Gary is trending up and maybe a probowler. At this point i do prefer Metcalf but if gary grows in 2021 like he. Did in 2020 then due to position value Gary is the better pick. Big if though. Also depends if you think Adams was more important to wins than z. Same sort of comparison.
Jenkins vrs Ridley... Jenkins will be all pro soon.
As to the rest it feels like meh vrs meh.
Yours is good but I bet the actual 2019 draft will be better

[Anti-Polar Bear]

Swapping savage for Jacobs is a downgrade imo. Gary is trending up and maybe a probowler. At this point i do prefer Metcalf but if gary grows in 2021 like he. Did in 2020 then due to position value Gary is the better pick. Big if though. Also depends if you think Adams was more important to wins than z. Same sort of comparison.
Jenkins vrs Ridley... Jenkins will be all pro soon.
As to the rest it feels like meh vrs meh.
Yours is good but I bet the actual 2019 draft will be better

My memory of the game is a bit fuzzy, but I don’t think 21 Savage did shit in the NFC Title game. Tex’s dawg, 33, choked big time in that game.

With Metcalf, Jacobs, Isabella, Moreau, along with Adams, Tonyan and MVS, Packers coulda out-nuked the GOAT. I seem to recall the Packer D creating a bunch of turnovers in the clutch only to see the Packer O punted/kicked away the opportunities.

[Upnorth]

No Jenkins and we dont make nfccg with bakh down.