Jokes

[Tarlam!]

Thought we should have a joke thread....

[Tarlam!]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

[Iron Mike]

The man that invented the "Hokey Pokey" dance died last week.

Funeral Directors had to re-schedule his showing several times, as there

was a problem after he was embalmed. While moving the corpse from the

embalming table to the casket, they'd put his right foot in.........he'd take

his right foot out, etc.....

[Tarlam!]

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Look, Bartender, I aint got no money, but I wanna drink. I aint got no money, but, I have a mouse that can play the piano. Will that do for payment?"

The Bartender looks pretty amazed, but says "Sure, Mate, if the mouse is any good, you can have a few on the house"

So, the drunk walks over to the piano over in the corner, pulls a cute little white mouse outta his pocket and places it on the piano keys. He leans down and whispers "Beethoven's 5th if you don't mind"

With that, the mouse launches into a beautiful rendition of Beethoven's 5th Symphony! He's perfect and all the guests and the Bartender are absolutely amazed. The drunk gets paid in liquids all night and the mouse plays anything anybody requests.

Everybody's Happy!

Next night, the drunk walks into the same bar. Says, "Look, Bartender, I aint got no money, but I wanna drink. I aint got no money, but, I have a mouse that can play the piano. Will that do for payment?"

The Bartender says, "Sorry Mate, but we've seen that mouse. We think he's a great talent, but, well, come back next month"

But the drunk wants to drink tonight, so he says, "Well, what about if I let my frog sing for ya?"

The Bartender says "You have a singing frog?" The drunk nods. The Bartender says "O.K. well, if the frog's as good as the mouse, let's give it a go".

With that the drunk walks over to the piano over in the corner, pulls his cute little white mouse outta his pocket and places it on the piano keys. He then pulls outta his other pocket this big green tree frog and sits it on top of the piano. He leans down and whispers "Boys, how about a bit of 'old Blue Eyes?"

The mouse jumps into action on the piano and the frog croons out his version of "I Did It My Way" far better then even Frank Sinatra!

The mouse and the frog are perfect and all the guests and the Bartender are absolutely amazed. The drunk gets paid in liquids all night and the mouse plays anything and the frog sings anything anybody requests.

Everybody's Happy!

Anyways, there's this bloke leaning on the bar next to the drunk and he says to the drunk "How much do ya want for the frog". The drunk says, "Awe, it's a pretty special frog, I couldn't sell him for less than 20 bucks."

The bloke can't believe his luck and says "Done!" He pays him the 20 bucks, stuffs the frog in his pocket and scurries on out.

The Bartender walks over to the drunk and says "Mate, are you stupid? That frog was worth maybe millions, and you just sold it for a measly 20 bucks?"

The drunk says, " Nah, the frog wasn't worth much. Y'see, the mouse is a ventriloquist!"

[Badgepack]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna
start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was
gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your
fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around
like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started

[Deputy Nutz]

Where do you find a dog with no legs


Right where you left it.

[Mazzin]

May be old.....

A drunk man staggers into a Church and sits down in a confessional box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs a few times to attract his attention, but the man still says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking man, there's no paper on this side either."

[Mazzin]

May not be PG...but Damned funny





A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

[Mazzin]

Bit longer






One day Pete was complaining to his friend 'my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor'. His friend said 'Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.' Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks. Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!

[Mazzin]

Last one than I'm gone till later tonight.




The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[jack's smirking revenge]

Funny stuff all. Keep up the chuckles!

tyler

[hurleyfan]

A Little "immigration" humor

A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the
exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must
have it.

He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back,"
said the owner.

The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I
won't be bringing it back."

As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a
few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following
him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a
little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind
him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.

He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and
saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and
they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as
far out into the Harbor as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and
were drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the
owner,
"You're bringing it back !"
"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for
that little bronze Mexican over there."

[hurleyfan]

Where do you find a dog with no legs


Right where you left it.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?



Matt

[Joemailman]

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day. Clinton goes to heaven and the Pope goes to hell. The Pope can't believe it. After a while, he sees Satan come walking by. He asks Satan, "What's going on here? Clinton goes to heaven and I go to hell?" "Hmmm... that does seem strange. Let me look into into it, and I'll get back to you", says Satan. After a while, Satan returns. "Yeah, you were right", he says. "We got the paperwork screwed up. You're supposed to go to heaven and Clinton's supposed to go to hell. We'll have you switch places this afternoon." Later, as they are about to switch places, the Pope says to Clinton, "I'm sorry about your ultimate demise. But, I mean, I'm the Pope! I've waited all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." Clinton says, "Well, you're about 15 minuted too late!"

[Iron Mike]

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

--Right where you left it.

Oldie but goodie--What do you do with a dog with no legs?

--Take it for a drag.

What do you call a dog with only two legs?

--Tippy.