Jokes

[Joemailman]

What do you call a guy with no legs or arms floating in a swimming pool? Bob

What do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen

What's an Irishman's version of foreplay? "Brace yourself Bridget!"

A woman runs into a police station and yells "Help me, I've been raped by an Irishman!" "How do you know it was an Irishman?", asks the officer. "Because I had to help him", she exclaims.

What do Jews do during the St. Patrick's Day Parade? Walk over to the window and watch their employees march.

What do an elephant and a plum have in common? They're both purple except for the elephant.

[pacfan]

Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean.

So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[pacfan]

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused! and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute

[Homer Jay]

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he aint coming anyway.

What do you call a dog with no rear legs and brass balls? Sparky.

What do you call a dog with no rear legs, brass balls and a urinary problem? Rusty.

[Tarlam!]

Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies...

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

[GBRulz]

That was good, tarlem!! They could also have one that says "In the Friday the 13th movies, no matter how fast a person runs, Jason is walking calmly behind them, yet seems to only remain just 4-5 steps away"

I almost think this thread could have a sticky or whatever. I started a joke thread and it's all the way back like on page 3. So, I'm just going to copy and paste a couple things that I've shared before.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

[hurleyfan]

After numerous rounds of "we don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama
himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to
let him know he
was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of a
coded message:

37OHSSV-0773H

Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one there could
solve the code so on it went to the CIA, and then to NSA. With no clue
to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within 1 minute MI-6 cabled back with this reply. "Tell the FBI that
Kennedy's holding the message upside down!"

[Tarlam!]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.


These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and
have been given only the following facts about terrorists:


1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

6. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."


We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

[pacfan]

After numerous rounds of "we don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama
himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to
let him know he
was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of a
coded message:

37OHSSV-0773H

Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one there could
solve the code so on it went to the CIA, and then to NSA. With no clue
to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within 1 minute MI-6 cabled back with this reply. "Tell the FBI that
Kennedy's holding the message upside down!"

Thank god Cheney leaked it to the press or we wouldn't have heard about it......

[hurleyfan]

Man I wish Tex was here!

[AtlPackFan]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.


These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and
have been given only the following facts about terrorists:


1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

6. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."


We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

I believe this could actually work. Especially if you tell them the "Brokeback Mountain" part...sure have been a lot less cowboy hats around here since that movie came out.

[Tarlam!]

An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to
draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Irishman . "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when do I start?"

[Tarlam!]

Probably should be a woman's pages thread somewhere. This would normally go on there....


TWO YEAR DEGREE COURSE
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in:
Becoming a Real Man. That’s right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree. (Male Arts)

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What’s Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120: How NOT to Act like an arse when you’re Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How To Put the Toilet Seat Down


(Elective)
(See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say “Yes, Dear”
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there.
MENtal Illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)
Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with men?

Send this to all women you know (and men with a sense of humour) and brighten up their day!!…. and when we have real trouble, it’s a HISterectomy!!!

[GBRulz]

Yes Tarlam...another fine example of why you are one of my favorite posters!!!

Here's another one...need sound...

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

[GBRulz]

I admit, I am a dog lover, but don't care too much for cats, so of course I love this video!

http://media.putfile.com/Pepsi-Cola