Jokes

[hurleyfan]

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.

[GBRulz]

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself:

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they open!"

[K-town]

Retirement

Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make
our days
interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went to a
small shop
down on High Street.

I was only in there for about 10 minutes.

When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said,

"Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He looked up, then ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a heartless Nazi bastard.

He glared at me an d then started writing another ticket for worn
tires.

So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first.

I called him an asshole and a pig.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

I called his mother a slut and a whore.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I verbally abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a shit.

I came downtown by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important at my age.

[Tarlam!]

One for my good friend, Harvey:

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you Get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on your privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital.

[the_idle_threat]

K-town: That was my car you bastard!

[Bretsky]

AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING
HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE
ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE
YEARS
OLD,UNMARRIED,AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL
EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME
ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ
COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY
AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A
SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN
COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM,
OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA
AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE
VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE
CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED:
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

THE
HUSBAND REPLIED:
"I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.

[Bretsky]

Apartment Rental


A married businessman meets a
beautiful girl and

agrees to spend the night with her for $500.



He spends the night with her but before he leaves,
he tells her that he does not have any cash with him,

but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to
her,

calling the payment....

"RENT FOR APARTMENT."



On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,

realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.

So he has his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclosed the following typed note:



Dear Madam:



Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;



1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at
home.



However, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

**

Upon receipt of the note,

the girl immediately returned the check for $250

with the following note:



Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you
expect a

beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it,
if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,

but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,

please don't blame the landlady.



Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady

[Bretsky]

NBA OR NFL?






36
have been accused of spousal abuse






7
have been arrested for fraud







19
have been accused of writing bad checks








117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses








3
have done time for assault




71,
repeat
71 cannot
get a credit card due to bad credit




14
have been arrested on drug-related charges












8
have been arrested for shoplifting







21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and







84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year

















Can
you guess which organization this is?

























Give
up yet? . . . Scroll down,




























Neither,
it's the 535 members of the United
States Congress.







The
same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.

[Bretsky]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
> Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
> " Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
> intelligence come from?"
> The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause
> I still have mine"
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court
> Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
> "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then
> I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like
> the looks of your wife at all."
> "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good
> with the kids.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
> been living with for the last 40 years.
> The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
> were used to put the curse on you."
> The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
> 1.. All the DNA is the same.
> 2. There are no dental records.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take
> to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
> The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
> "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How
> was he killed?" asked one detective.
> "With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
> "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
> "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
> Joe: "Really?"
> Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
> "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
> surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse.
> "OOPS!"
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
> bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
> even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
> "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
> "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one
>

[Harlan Huckleby]

Lena was feeling poorly, so her husband Ollie took her to the doctor.
When the doctor came out, he said, "Lena's got an acute angina".
Ollie says, "I know that doc, what the heck's wrong with her?"


(This joke is terribly unfunny written down. You have to say it in a Swedish accent, then big belly laughs.)

[CaptainKickass]

These are terrible jokes.....


Here's another one:

Q - Why is there always a southerly wind blowing out of Milwaukee?
A - Because Chicago sucks!

[Scott Campbell]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled ook by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[woodbuck27]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.


These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and
have been given only the following facts about terrorists:


1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

6. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."


We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

All the jokes are good but I loved that one Tarlam.

The one on things we should know fr. the movies, was also special and so Dam true.

[woodbuck27]

"THE
HUSBAND REPLIED:
"I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW." Bretsky

I really laughed at that one. X 100 !

[woodbuck27]

George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.