Jokes

[Tarlam!]

great stuff! Personally, I love to play ball with cats:

[GBRulz]

LOL - ok, I don't dislike them that much!

[hurleyfan]

Wal Mart Greeter:

A very unattractive, nasty, mean actin' woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.!

The Wal-Mart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?

The ugly woman says "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's7.Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"Hell no", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.

[hurleyfan]

Broke Back Spider:

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"
the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and
innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them
are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment ......... then took her foot and stomped them flat and said,

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

[Joemailman]

Top Ten Signs Your Mailman Has Been Working Much Too Hard


10. Announces that he just married a sheet of Marliyn Monroe stamps

9. It's been over three weeks since he cleaned his gun

8. Delivers the mail wearing nothing but bubble wrap

7. Announces his new system: reach into his bag, and whatever you can grab is yours

6. He's stopped having sex with half the housewives in the neighborhood

5. Just sits on the curb, tearing pages out of a "Victoria's Secret" catalog and eating them

4. He's been leaving most of the driving to his pet monkey, Earl

3. His wife complains that in the bedroom, he's not exactly "Mr. Zip"

2. Claims he's Elmo; demands that you tickle him

1. Walks down the street shouting, "Lick this!"

Back

[GBRulz]

Hey Joe, I'd love to see the bubble wrap outfit...are you willing to model it for us?

[Joemailman]

No way. You'll take a picture and I'll end up being Nutz' new avatar.

[Harlan Huckleby]

No way. You'll take a picture and I'll end up being Nutz' new avatar.

hey, happened to GBM, can happen to you to!

[Joemailman]

No way. You'll take a picture and I'll end up being Nutz' new avatar.

hey, happened to GBM, can happen to you to!

This could get really ugly.

[Joemailman]

Durst Quotes

Bush is like if Reagan and Quayle had a kid. He's Quagan.


John Kerry. Worst campaign ever. And that includes France in 39. Who ever thought we'd fondly reminisce about the charismatic Gore Lieberman campaign. Stiffer than Rick Santorum on a Gay Pride Parade Float.


I'd accuse the Democrats of being afraid of their own shadow, but I have yet to be convinced they actually cast one.


Pope Benedict XVI admits he used to be a member of the Nazi Party, but he didn't want to be. He was forced to join as a youth and got out as soon as he could. And I can relate, because that pretty much mirrors my experience with the Catholic Church.


Bush claims he wants to work with the Democrats. Yeah, right. The same way a 5 year old with a magnifying glass wants to work with ants.


Q. Why are there no Democrats on Star Trek? A. Because it's set in the future.


Bush says he looked into Putin's eyes and saw his soul. Fortunately, Putin was gracious enough not to mention he looked into Bush's ear and saw daylight on the other side.


Dubyah's Healthy Forests Initiative encourages logging, his Clear Skies Bill allows for more pollution. You can understand why seniors are afraid his Social Security Reform might legislate a quota of old people.


The President says he doesn't read, and the problem is, I believe him.


Bush's nickname is Dubya. Clinton was Bubba. Bubba and Dubyah. The hell is wrong with us? Why can't we elect some guy known as "The Little Professor?" Where's President "Brainiac" or "Einstein?"


Cheney has a pacemaker the size of a garage door opener. The first Vice President susceptible to assassination by microwave.


The NRA continues to argue assault weapons can be used as legitimate hunting rifles. OK. I can buy that. I mean, you can also use a chain saw to cut butter. Just going to get a little messy around muffin time.


PETA says we shouldn't eat fish because they have feelings too. The hell are we supposed to eat? Fruit? Vegetables? What's next? "Please don't agitate the Brussel Sprouts' self-esteem?"

If Hillary becomes President, that makes Bill the First Lady. And knowing his sexual proclivities, that means he's the first First Lady to be a lesbian. Okay. Maybe not.


Newt Gingrich has not ruled out a run for the Oval Office in 08. President Newt. That's scarier than the Dennis Hastert Swimsuit Calendar.


Clinton got 12 million dollars for his memoirs. Hillary got 8. That's 20 million dollars for the memories of two people who for 8 years continually testified under oath they couldn't remember a single thing. Is this a great country or what? I want that book deal. Chapter One: "I Can't Recall." Chapter Two: "It's All a Blur." Chapter Three: "I Hear Humming."


Still can't find Osama. The six foot nine inch Arabian guy traipsing around the Khyber Pass dragging behind him a solar-powered Kidney Dialysis Machine from Sharper Image.


I'm glad Schwarzenegger is Governor of California. We have once again wrestled the mantle of madcap away from Florida. We are Colliephonia: The state that put the "mock" in Democracy.


What's the deal with his marriage to Maria Shriver? What is that: phase one in a genetic experiment to breed a bullet-proof Kennedy? Have you seen her lately? She looks like Skeletor's great aunt. Those cheekbones, you could slice open envelopes with those puppies.


Can someone tell me what this gay marriage is all about? How does 2 people's happiness make me miserable? "Well, I don't think people should marry a person of the same sex." Well then, don't. You really want to piss them off? RSVP for the reception, then don't show.


Besides, I thought the whole idea was to keep gays from having sex. What better way than marriage do you know...?


I think what Gavin Newsom, mayor of San Francisco, is trying to do is piss Bush off so much that the President calls in an air strike on the 415 area code...then we're eligible for new schools and roads and universal health care.

Condi Rice said we have no plans to invade Iran. So if I were Iran, I'd be digging a bunker near hell, because the last time we had no plans to invade somebody, we invaded the crap out of them. Besides. What BS. Of course we have plans to invade Iran. We're America. That's what we do. We make plans. I bet we have multiple plans to invade Martha's Vineyard..



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will Durst is our greatest political comic.

[GBRulz]

damnit Blue... I was going to keep your photo a secret, but you pissed me off....



Harlan dancing at the annual Festival of Dolls convention in downtown Pulaski

[Deputy Nutz]

How did that African get circumsized?

[Harlan Huckleby]

funny thing is, i just offered idea for tank that he start infomercial for penis reduction. This guy might be a customer. Well, if he watches late night TV.

[ranks66]

Re: Jokes

Thought we should have a joke thread....

Did you hear the Pope has the bird flu ?

He got it from on of his Cardinals...........

[BigDmoney]

what's helen keller's dog's name?............................................





uuugghghuuuuuggggghhhugghhhhaaahhhhhhhuuugghheee!