Jokes

[woodbuck27]

GUTS or BALLS ?

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ..

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[woodbuck27]

Questions of the day

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

10. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

11. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

12. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

13. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

14. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

15. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

16. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[woodbuck27]

(For those Americans reading this, a "newfie" is what we call our far Eastern Province Newfoundland brethren. here in Canada)

Two Newfies, Ned 'n Jarge, decided they aren't going anywhere in life and think they should go to college to get ahead.

Ned goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Ned.

The professor answers, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a sno-blower?

"I sure do," responded Ned.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a driveway," replies the professor.

"That's real good." The Newf responded in awe.

The professor continues: "Logic will also tell me, that since you have a driveway you also have a house."

Impressed, the Newf shouts, "Darned tootin!!"

"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"HOLY SMOKIES!! This is incredible!" Ned exclaims. "You's so smart."

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual," says the professor.

"Lord thunderin Jesus. You're right on bye! Why dat's the most fascinatin' ting I ever heard of. I caint wait to take dis 'ere logic class."

Ned, right proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where Jarge is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin?" asks Jarge.

"Math, history, and the logic." replies Ned.

"What da 'ell is the logic, Ned?" asks Jarge?

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a sno-blower?"

"No." answers Jarge.

" Then you're a queer Jarge, h'ain't ya?"

Now . . . not everyone in Newfoundland is so stupid.

It's been reported that this is an actual transcript of a radio conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

U.S. Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Canadian reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

U.S. ship: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadian reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

U.S. ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE U.S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

Canadian reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[woodbuck27]

It was the end of the Gulf War. The Arabs stared over at the oil fields and watched them burning. Day and night the flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they call 'Red O'Dare'. Red O Dare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red O'Dare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O'Dare from Co. Mayo in Ireland.

The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the oil fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied, "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost? Paddy replied, "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000". "Great", said the Arab and hung up the phone.

The Arabs waited in the Desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four red-haired Paddy's comes roaring over the sand dunes and heads straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their denim jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the oil rig fire was out. The four Paddy's walked over to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus, that was rough!"

The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy,

"And what are you going to buy with all this money"?

"Paddy Replied,

"Well, the first thing I'm going to buy is a set of brakes for that truck!!"

[woodbuck27]

O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?"

O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said. . .

"After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said. . .

"No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."

another Irish one:

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to Dublin, I came upon a gang of ruffians who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. I approached the largest of them, smacked him on the head, and told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. " When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

[woodbuck27]

Ahhhh bejaysus, what the heck but one more:

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.

Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.

As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up your drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye!"

Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?"

To that the Missus replied, "I'm the devill ya' damned old fool".

To which Flaherty remarked,

"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

and for all you who might tip too many pints the odd time:

A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and talking with the barkeep. Another young man walks in and sits besides him. He says, "How you do?", hears the lilt in his reply and says, "You be Irish"? "Yes I am", the second man replies.

The first man yells, "Barkeep, give us another round and one for my friend here, he’s from the mother country as well". The second man asks, "So where in the old country ye from?" "Dublin", responds the first. "Dublin you say - so am I". The second man hollers, "Barkeep, bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here".

Afterwards the first man asks, "From where in Dublin do you come from?", the second man responds with the name of the street that he lived on. The first man says, "Well I’ll be - so am I" and yells barkeep, "Another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the two of us".

The phone behind the bar rings, the barkeep answers it – it’s the Owner of the Pub on the phone.

The Owner asks, "How is business?" The barkeep responds,

"Not bad, the O’Malley twins are here getting drunk again".

[woodbuck27]

This one is for Guiness:

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands. At the end of the day, all of the presidents, of all beer companies, decide to have a drink in a bar together.

The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

[woodbuck27]

SUBJ: College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version

Time Limit: 3 WKS

Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

[woodbuck27]

One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed.

"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"

"Did I say I was 64?"

"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"

"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"

"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"You mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"

"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"No! You can't mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"

"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!"

"Did I say he wanted to get married?..."

[Harlan Huckleby]

I am heading up to Canada with a giant net!!!

[ranks66]

I am heading up to Canada with a giant net!!!

Did you hear about the blond inspector that was fired from he M&M factory for throwing out all of the W's?

[Harlan Huckleby]

I don't know, Ranks, makes sense to me. If they print it upside down, it's defective. Then again I have blonde hair, or traces thereof.


I like the joke about the husband with balls.

[Iron Mike]

The Wal Mart-Greeter

An extremely mean acting and unattractive woman walks into Walmart with her two children.

The Walmart Greeter does his thing and then asks, "Are they twins?"

The woman, now making a face that makes her look even uglier, says "No
Jackass, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. "Why?........ Do you really think they look alike, you idiot?"

"No, replies the greeter, I just can't believe you got laid twice."

[K-town]

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his
tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything
looks great. How are you doing mentally and
emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have
poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in
the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!
the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine!

But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with
God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and
poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's
done, poof! the light goes off?"


>"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[woodbuck27]

Guilty from Over Thinking

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WHO WAVES AT HIM AND SAYS HELLO.

HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER.

SO HE SAYS. . . " DO YOU KNOW ME ? "

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES, "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY
CHILDREN.

NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL AND SAYS...

" ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I HAD ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY BUTT WITH WET CELERY ? "

SUDDENLY LOOKING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE, SHE SAID. . .

" NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER. "